You can use this list for two main purposes. One is to peruse the 30 to see where your favourite team ends up, or your least favourite, or just the Yankees. It’s always good banter to assess the state of things at the beginning of the new season, getting the ball rolling either rolling sharply down the bleachers after a crushing homer or softly towards third for a simple put out. The other purpose is, should you happen to be a rookie fan, to assist you in picking a team to follow from scratch. The best ways to get into a sport are to make a fantasy team (but make sure you retire that life-crippling habit after a few years – don’t get sucked too deep into the wormhole) and also to up the stakes of watching it by supporting a group of the poor suckers. But that’s a big commitment, man. You don’t wanna accidentally pick the Phillies and find yourself wishing you supported them ten years ago when they were good and actually had a reason for playing baseball.

There’s no math involved here. Death to advanced metrics! Nah, jokes, but popularity, fashion, coolness… these aren’t quantifiable things. They’re based on feel and instinct. So there’s no formula for working these out other than my own Wildcard inklings. Which is bad news for Red Sox fans, you slimy buggers. But there are some guidelines. Things like how awesome their best players are, the prestige they carry, what their prospects are for this season and into the future, what their team and fan culture is like. Things like that. All the stuff that makes you care. Let’s do this thing.

30. New York Yankees

Main Man: Masahiro Tanaka, what a bloke.

2016 Expectations: Playoffs & restore NYC dominance.

Don’t support the Yankees. Come on, mate. The most famous, most prestigious organisation in baseball, okay there’s a certain kind of appeal to picking a team with great history and when you have a brand as powerful as this one there is only ever so many years between World Series appearances. But just trust me that everyone who doesn’t love the Yankees hates them. They should be roughly as good as last time out, don’t forget they still have C.C. Sabathia and Alex Rodriguez on this team (not a good thing).

29. Philadelphia Phillies

Main Man: Ryan Howard is a former MVP and franchise legend. He’s pretty useless now, but still.

2016 Expectations: None, just blood the kids.

You’ve already missed the boat on the Phillies. By about a decade. They were absolute quality with dudes like Roy Halladay, Cole Hamels and Cliff Lee pitching for them. A World Series title in 2008, five straight division titles from 2007-2011… last season they won just 63 games and are now in full rebuild mode. It’ll be a few years.

28. Atlanta Braves

Main Man: Freddie Freeman is a boss.

2016 Expectations: Don’t worry about 2016.

The Braves have been busy trading away anyone with value (except for Freeman) and as a result they have a nothing rotation, a bunch of veteran bats on the slide and the best farm system in baseball. In a tough division, they’re going nowhere in 2016. But they might be something in a few more calendars’ time.

27. Milwaukee Brewers

Main Man: Ryan Braun.

2016 Expectations: Meh.

Another team heavy on the rebuild. Braun is easily their best hitter but he lost most of his goodwill with a PED suspension a few years back. Lots of talent below the Major level, though you aren’t gonna see it for a while. Milwaukee’s famous for its beer, so there’s that. Also that explain the team name.

26. San Diego Padres

Main Man: James Shields is still a genuine ace.

2016 Expectations: Try get to a 50% record.

Went all in on a bunch of expensive trades last season and it did not work at all. Luckily they’ve been able to ride a bit of that damage through free agency and trades but it’s been ages since they were good and that won’t change in 2016.

25. Boston Red Sox

Main Man: David Price, the price is right.

2016 Expectations: Beat the Yankees and get on a roll in the playoffs.

Yuck, don’t go for the Red Sox. It’s just Bill Simmons and all his mates being loud and obnoxious about their team. They were the plucky underdogs when the World Series curse was alive but since then they’ve won the thing three times since then and that’s enough. Having said that, the BoSox are stacked with up and comers like Mookie Betts and Xander Bogaerts (some names can only ever be baseballers) and they gave David Price way too much money to pitch for them. In the short term that ought to work nicely.

24. Cincinnati Reds

Main Man: Joey Votto holding it all together.

2016 Expectations: No thanks.

A disastrous 2015 saw them lose 98 games and on their way they traded away most of their productive fellas. Like Johnny Cueto, flipped for three young’uns he went to the Royals and won a World Series (and is now a Giant). The young rotation is cause for hope.

23. Minnesota Twins

Main Man: Miguel Sano will hit home runs, no worries there.

2016 Expectations: Keep… getting… better…

The kind of team that habitually slips under the radar. The Twins were unexpectedly good last season though not good enough for the postseason. Having said that, with hot shot Byron Buxton on the way to the majors, they should have a shot at another jump. Or maybe not, I won’t be watching.

22. Oakland Athletics

Main Man: Sonny Gray. This lad’s arm is a thing of dreams.

2016 Expectations: Get this ship steadied.

Billy Beane and Moneyball. They made a movie about them and Brad Pitt was in it! Except that in recent years the Moneyball scheme is pretty well known and there have been a few more misses than hits. Like trading away Josh Donaldson after the 2014 season only for JD to win the MVP award in 2015. They look quite rubbish on the surface but you never know with the A’s.

21. Colorado Rockies

Main Man: Carlos Gonzalez. CarGo is back and good to go… until he’s injured again.

2016 Expectations: Find some decent pitching.

Even without franchise icon Troy Tulowitzki, traded to the Blue Jays last season, the Rockies still have a batting lineup worth fearing. But they’re buggered for arms. That’s what happens when you play in a hitter’s ballpark, it’s a hard sell for free agents. Hey but at least they’re usually fun to watch.

20. St Louis Cardinals

Main Man: Yadier Molina is the best catcher in baseball, no arguments.

2016 Expectations: Being the Cards, they’ll probably win it all.

Always a contender every season. They’re the most consistent franchise out there and they have that intangible knack for rising to the playoff occasion. Which is exactly why they’re ranked so low. Everybody is sick of the Cardinals always hovering around, especially with one of the more self-righteous fan-bases in MLB. A perennially elite pitching staff.

19. Seattle Mariners

Main Man: Felix Hernandez, aka King Felix.

2016 Expectations: Improvements. Somehow someway.

With massive aspirations after luring Robinson Cano over from the Yankees, the Mariners instead whiffed badly. However credit for being honest about it, they did their best to move on the deadwood in the offseason and have a sexy looking starting five to work with. Haven’t made the postseason for 15 years which is the longest active drought in the MLB and most of their best players are in their 30s, so yeah.

18. Miami Marlins

Main Man: Giancarlo Stanton hits a baseball harder than anyone in the game.

2016 Expectations: Fill out the roster and see about a cheeky 80+ wins.

Stanton is the man with the bat, Jose Fernandez is the man on the mound. It’d be nice if they had more to work with around them, still that’s a better start than most teams have. We’re entering the fifth year of the Miami rebrand and they just played in front of President Obama in Cuba. There are worse teams to hang a hat on.

17. Baltimore Orioles

Main Man: Manny Machado. Gotta love a guy who hits as well as he fields and he sure fields well.

2016 Expectations: Get back into the playoffs.

Despite being named after a small bird, the Orioles are stacked with power. Chris Davis, Mark Trumbo, Machado… so many homers. And they play defence great. And they have a top bullpen. A very fun team. Just a shame their rotation is so trash. Over to you, Yovani Gallardo.

16. Cleveland Indians

Main Man: Corey Kluber’s right arm.

2016 Expectations: Decency.

A boring city, a traditionally boring team and a possibly offensive name. But the Indians won 92 games a couple years back. Things have somewhat slumped since then, with some proper offensive worries (aside from 2015 RoY runner-up Francisco Lindor), but when you have a rotation including Corey Kluber and Carlos Carrasco then they should be decent once more.

15. San Francisco Giants

Main Man: Madison Bumgarner, remember him?

2016 Expectations: Hard to say, the best possible upside is quite high though.

Eh, dumb. Three World Series in the last six seasons is enough. As much fun as it would be to support the preferred team of both the Beach Boys and Grateful Dead, we’ve seen enough of the Giants for a while. Having said that, MadBum and Buster Posey are two of the most genuine dudes in baseball. Also two of the best. You can always trust the Giants to pitch as well as possible.

14. Chicago White Sox

Main Man: Chris Sale. Top five starter in all baseball.

2016 Expectations: Probably middling.

Traditionally a fairly boring looking team but getting in Todd Frazier alongside the Cuban powerhouse of Jose Abreu who keeps on getting better (after winning Rookie of the Year in 2014 with 36 homers) should make them pretty interesting. It could all click, that could happen. The White Sox are mostly average in most ways yet there are some exciting names to watch for. The White Sox are also Barack Obama’s team.

13. Detroit Tigers

Main Man: If you can throw it, Miguel Cabrera can hit it.

2016 Expectations: A playoff run might be a stretch.

Between Miggy and Victor Martinez, they’ve had a brilliant middle order for a while now… except that those two are a combined 69 years old. Justin Verlander teased a return to his former self late last season and Jordan Zimmerman really bolsters that lot too. The Tigers should have won a World Series in the last five years with the players they’ve had but somehow missed out. The window could still be open, though probably not.

12. Tampa Bay Rays

Main Man: Evan Longoria for the win.

2016 Expectations: Competitiveness.

There’s something cool about the Rays. Being the Rays and not the Devil Rays helps, and so does the impression that they always have some superstar kid on the breakthrough and they’re usually willing to throw them in. Largely because this team isn’t a financial titan to rival their divisional foes, which is in itself kinda endearing. Great starters led by Chris Archer, great defence led by Longoria and friends. Always a decent team to watch.

11. Arizona Diamondbacks

Main Man: Paul Goldschmidt is legit.

2016 Expectations: Optimistically… 90 wins.

Eventually the D-Backs are gonna be really good. They look good, their logo is a snake camouflaged as an ‘A’. This could be a perfect chance to pre-empt the bandwagon because with Zack Greinke anchoring a rotation that also includes Shelby Miller and hey they already had a decent lot of gloves and bats. Watch out for A.J. Pollock this campaign. Could be an outside MVP candidate.

10. Los Angeles Dodgers

Main Man: Ever heard of Clayton Kershaw? You should have.

2016 Expectations: Same as every year, everything.

Kershaw’s got the pitching championship belt which is why the Dodgers have been able to absorb losing Zack Greinke and still be a contender. Magic Johnson is part of the ownership group, as well as being a prominent team spokesperson. They have all the money in the world which is a turnoff but it does make them quite good. Also, they’ve moved on from taking on all the biggest most expensive contracts now that prodigies like Joc Pederson and Corey Seager have emerged. A big plus in their likeability: Yasiel Puig. The untameable slayer that he is.

9. Texas Rangers

Main Man: Yu Darvish if that elbow’s back in business.

2016 Expectations: Make the playoffs, beat the Astros.

From a team that had never won a playoff series before 2010 to a team that made (and lost) back to back World Series, the Rangers seemed to have missed their chance when record injuries had them last in the majors for 2014. But suddenly they bounced back last year, pipping the Astros for the division on the final day of the regular season. Cole Hamels and Yu Darvish offer a superb top end to their rotation, while Adrian Beltre and Prince Fielder are proven pros with the bat. George W. Bush used to own the team and is a regular at games, which may be a turnoff.

8. Pittsburgh Pirates

Main Man: Andrew McCutchen does it all.

2016 Expectations: Title challenge.

The Pirates went from a comically average team to a proper playoff threat all of a sudden roughly three years ago. Not coincidentally that’s echoed McCutchen’s emergence but they haven’t gotten the postseason success yet to show for it. Cutch centres an outfield that also includes Starling Marte and Gregory Polanco, all top players and all have come up through the Pirates system. This is a clever franchise that has been getting things done, although they might need another starter before October if that’s gonna happen. Gerrit Cole and Francisco Liriano need some help. Also, they’re called the Pirates. That’s badass.

7. Los Angeles Angels

Main Man: Mike Trout, baby.

2016 Expectations: Hoping for some postseason stuff.

On account of being an LA team, they’ve a bigger cinematic profile than most (Angels in the Outfield), so it helps that now they’ve got the star power to back some of that up. Mike Trout is the perfect baseballer. The best position player in the sport and reason enough to follow a team right there alone. Plus Albert Pujols is still reliable. Their problem is that they don’t have much for pitching. Minus points for being called ‘The Angels Angels’.

6. Kansas City Royals

Main Man: Alex Gordon is re-signed, that’s a very good thing.

2016 Expectations: Back to back championships.

Two years ago the Royals would have been the hipster’s choice. An unlikely run to the big show in 2014 put them on the map with their lights out bullpen and timely hitting taking them to the brink before the Giants cleaned them out. But 2015 came around and while some called for regression, KC went and did it all again, this time winning it all. Taking on the defending champs is never a respectable decision as a fan - it’s hard to repeat and it looks very bandwagonish. They might be short an ace but all things considered, the Royals haven’t lost a step. When your defence and bullpen is as good as this, you don’t blow many leads.

5. New York Mets

Main Man: Matt Harvey, the Dark Knight. Dumb nickname/great pitcher.

2016 Expectations: Try go one better than last time.

For so long the sad brothers in New York, the Mets went and won their first National League pennant for the first time since 2000 and only the fifth time in over 50 years as a franchise. They’re still a New York team so there are all sorts of dumb hanger-ons but try ignore that. Matt Harvey, Noah Syndergaard and Jacob DeGrom make up the top end of what could be said is the best rotation out there. All three are pretty young as well. The worry here is that they can’t hit and are again relying on Yoenis Cespedes and maybe veteran David Wright. In the very least, Mets fans aren’t having to deal with Yankee fans and their barbs so much anymore.

4. Washington Nationals

Main Man: Bryce Harper knows no limitations.

2016 Expectations: A playoff run or else.

Last season saw the Nats collapse horribly from pre-season favourites to missing the playoffs altogether. They lost a few too many players in free agency, yet Max Scherzer, Stephen Strasburg and Gio Gonzalez will win far more games than they lose. They score a lot of runs so if new manager Dusty Baker (great name) can tie things together then the Nationals might be back where they wanna be. Things are always entertaining with them, at least.

3. Toronto Blue Jays

Main Man: Josh Donaldson, reigning American League MVP.

2016 Expectations: As many as possible.

The best offensive team in the league and they live in Canada. That’s pretty cool. A team that includes Josh Donaldson, Jose Bautista and Troy Tulowitzki is one to fear and love in equal measures. There are issues with how many runs they’ll need each game to cover a David Price-less pitching staff but they’re hot with playoff experience after 2015 and ready for more of the same.

2. Houston Astros

Main Man: Dallas Keuchel seems a fair bet.

2016 Expectations: Beat the Royals, win the American League.

For a long time the Astros were awful, just awful. And now all that incessant accumulation of prospects is paying off as they’ve gone from laughing stocks to borderline World Series favourites. So much young talent here, the Astros are gonna be good for a long time and now is a perfect time to get with that. Dallas Keuchel pitches the lights out while tiny Jose Altuve does nothing but get hits and Carlos Correa… well, Carlos Correa is the future. Plain and simple. Within months he’ll be one of the sport’s finest.

1. Chicago Cubs

Main Man: Jake Arrieta just won the Cy Young award, so there’s that.

2016 Expectations: The world, chico, and everything in it.

Ooh the Cubbies. Would you even believe it? The last time they won the World Series was in 1908. Yeah, right, so you get how the ever-loving Cubbies have cultivated this identity of the loveable loser over the last… century. Except that now, finally, it might all change. The pre-season favourites have a young team full of carefully acquired players all ready to show what they can do. Kris Bryant is the reigning NL Rookie of the Year, Anthony Rizzo was in the MVP convo in 2015, Jake Arrieta we’ve already covered. They are so stacked with fine players. Oh and Joe Maddon was NL Manager of the Year. This is the team that gave us Harry Carey. It’s Bill Murray and Eddie Vedder’s favourite. They play at the gorgeous Wrigley Field. GO THE CUBBIES!