The Wildcard’s NFL Predictions - Week 13

Last Week: 11-5

Season: 106-69-2

Dallas Cowboys (10-1) at Minnesota Vikings (6-5)

Fresh from their Thanksgiving feasts/famines, the Cowboys and Vikes get to back back back it up for a Thursday night game a week later. Slightly different circumstances too what with the Cowboys coming off the win that gives them full control of their division and the Vikings a loss that ceded control of theirs. I’m actually finding it hard to see the Vikings, after starting 5-0, making the playoffs now. They’re a couple games behind the Giants for one wildcard spot and I don’t see them stumping the Lions from here either having dropped the tiebreaker. So can they outlast the Buccaneers or Packers who are both playing better footy now (the Packers were great the other day, best they’ve been all season – I hate how hard to judge they are)? Yeah, that’s the question.

Good thing is the Vikings get to play the Colts, Jaguars and Bears still so if they can beat the Packers or Cowboys as well, ten wins is still on the cards. Week 16 away to the Packers will be huuuuge. (Please don’t read that in a Trump voice. If you did then go back and read it again in a proper sounding accent).

Greatest (In My Mind) Rookie Quarterback/Running Back Seasons Ever As They Compare to Dallas’ Rooks:

Ben Roethlisberger (PIT 2004):

13-0 W-L / 66.4% COMP / 2621 YDS / 17 TDs / 11 INTs / 98.1 RATE / 6 GWD

Dak Prescott (DAL 2016):

10-1 W-L / 67.9% COMP / 2835 YDS / 18 TDs / 2 INTs / 108.6 RATE / 3 GWD

Eric Dickerson (LAR 1983):

390 RUSH / 1808 YDS / 4.6 YpA / 18 TDs / 13 FMB / 113 YpG / 51 REC / 404 YDS / 2 TD

Ezekiel Elliott (DAL 2016):

243 RUSH / 1199 YDS / 4.9 YpA / 11 TDs / 3 FMB / 109.9 YpG / 24 REC / 303 YDS / 1 TD

Dez Bryant really is the best. Last season Josh Norman feuded hard with Odell Beckham Jr and both came off looking like petty kids. Especially Beckham, which reminded you that he’s actually still crazy young for a guy who’s done all that he has (the dude’s 24 now with over 3500 receiving yards). On Thanksgiving, Norman found himself a rival closer to his own age and the two went all the way at it. Some of the last pictures from the broadcast were of Josh and Dez jawing away in a crowd as credits started to roll – the game was well over and here these two were going at it.

The real moment of drama was Norman grabbing Bryant’s leg and giving it a twist after he was already on the ground. Until then it’d just been two great players who are also top notch trash talkers yapping away. Apparently that post-game scrap came as Dez told JN: “where I’m from, we unload the clip”. Dez had some brilliant comments after the game to the media:

Hahaha, so good. Shame these two won’t play again ‘til next season… unless something works out in the playoffs that is.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 7

Detroit Lions (7-4) at New Orleans Saints (5-6)

I’m sorry but if you had a single problem with Aretha Franklin’s anthem performance on Thanksgiving it had better have been the Lions hat she wore and you’d better be a Bears, Vikings or Packers fan. I mean I like a witty twitter retort as much as the next fellow but if you’re talking down to the Queen of Soul then you can take a running jump, frankly. If Aretha wants to flex, then Aretha gets to flex. We’re all in the presence of greatness and after a 2016 that’s taken so many then that’s a thing to be thankful for if ever there was one.

Twenty minutes too little in my eyes, mate.

I think I’ll make this an Aretha Franklin dedicated week of picks, why not. And I’ll begin by giving a little R-E-S-P-E-C-T to the Detroit Lions who I genuinely believe are the most well-rounded team in the NFC North although they’re lacking in the big play stuff that used to get them by in the Calvin Johnson years. Also, they have the third worst average starting position for their offensive drives (Own 25.1) which doesn’t exactly help a dinky-dunky team. Just quietly…

  • PLAYER A: 66.8% COMP / 2883 YDS / 19 TDs / 5 INTs / 99.3 RATE / 7 GWD
  • PLAYER B: 64.4% COMP / 3074 YDS / 27 TDs / 7 INTs / 97.8 RATE / 0 GWD

One of those is Matt Stafford, genuine MVP candidate (which he won’t win because of Tyron Smith’s magnificent candidacy), the other is Aaron Rodgers, four-time reigning Wildcard’s Preseason QB Ranking #1. Rodgers is the guy with 7 interceptions.

Meanwhile Drew Brees is on course for 5000 yards passing for a team that probably won’t even have a winning record. Yet again.

Wildcard’s Predictions: Lions by 3

Los Angeles Rams (4-7) at New England Patriots (9-2)

I’m gonna suggest that the Rams will need more than a league-worst average of 15.5 points per game to win away to New England. Could be wrong but I doubt it. Not when Tom Brady is capable of throwing touchdown passes where he had to scoop the ball up off the floor first.

Oh, and also doing this:

Hahaha, run big fella, run.

Jared Goff looked pretty good for a half there against the Saints, though you might wanna talk to the coach when one of the top defensive units out there is giving up seven touchdowns to a team with a 4-6 record (5-6 now, baby!). By all accounts Gronk is fine to play (update: nooooope, they lied) and the Pats shouldn’t have any worries. Jeff Fischer on the other hand is surely coming towards sack eligibility. Lose this and it’s officially eight seasons without a winning record.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 12

Denver Broncos (7-4) at Jacksonville Jaguars (2-9)

It’s a little surprising to me to see the Jaguars still only have two wins. They’re better than that. Even Blake Bortles, the muppet, is better than that. But apparently not and so I don’t even know what to say about this one. Broncos need to win after slipping in OT to the Chiefs the other day. Bloody idiots. You know I was 10-1 after the early games last week and ended up 11-5 for the week. I knew I was taking a risk on the Raiders losing to the Panthers (that was a great game) but I thought the Eagles would beat the Packers, the Broncos would beat the Chiefs and the Seahawks would beat the Buccs. They didn’t and a potentially brilliant week of picks became just a solid one. Oh well, I don’t really write this thing for the predictions to be honest. I doubt many people read it for them either.

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 9

San Francisco 49ers (1-10) at Chicago Bears (2-9)

This is as bad a matchup as you could possibly hope for in a game that doesn’t involve the Cleveland Browns. And with that you can bet your ass that fans of the two teams have been waiting all season for it: Yuss! Finally a winnable game!

Which is harsh coz the Bears actually shoulda won last game but after Matt Flippin’ Barkley drove them down the field, they went and dropped two touchdowns for the win and went down by six to the Titans. Whoops. All up they dropped 10 passes in the game which Pro Football Focus say is a record since they started recording that stat back in 2006. They’re not even a team that’s had issues with their hands before this. Pretty inexplicable, just one of those days or whatever.

I thought Matt Barkley, a couple redzone picks aside, was kinda decent though. Good enough that I’ll give Da Bears the tick at home and all. The one worry is that they got zero pressure on Marcus Mariota last game, who rushed for 46 yards. Colin Kaepernick will enjoy that sorta thing.

Yooooo, watch our TNC TV show:

Wildcard’s Pick: Bears by 7

Houston Texans (6-5) at Green Bay Packers (5-6)

He’s pretty good, this Rodgers guy. Wonder if the Packers will be able to build a team around him? Nah but seriously, the Packers need to BUILD A TEAM around him. Stop blaming the QB for what he does and doesn’t do and look at the average joes around him.

The Texans were in the one game I got wrong last week among the early slate. I thought they’d keep on winning at home and they didn’t, losing 21-13 to the Chargers – who I’ll never be surprised to see win any single one-off game, just as I wouldn’t be in any way surprised to see them lose the same game. The Chargers are the height of irrational. The Texans are the opposite. Unless they’re playing the Chargers they win at home and lose away. They have a great defence that is still very good despite missing its best player and they have a coach who is not-so secretly out of his depth (for now at least, coaches grow like players do over seasons) and a quarterback who they’d better hope they kept the receipt for.

Brock Osweiler is last among qualified starters in yards per passing attempt (5.8 y/a).

The Packers? They’re like the Chargers. Fully irrational. They’ve beaten the Giants and lost to the Colts – a worse version of the same offence. They lost to the Titans. They got smoked by the R**skins and then beat the Eagles a week later. I dunno, but I can say their only two home losses have come against the Cowboys and Colts and so playing at home against a team that is useless on the road seems to bode well for them.

What’s Aaron Rodgers doing in the tent?

A)     Getting some privacy so he could get his hammies strapped without the cameras seeing his ass.

B)      When he gets that feeling he needs sexual healing.

C)      Skyping with his brother where the rest of his family and his girlfriend can’t find out.

D)     Having a power nap so that he doesn’t have to see how his defence ruins his good work.

The correct answer is A, congratulations if you guessed right.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 7

Kansas City Chiefs (8-3) at Atlanta Falcons (7-4)

I’m still not exactly sure how the Chiefs won last week but I doubt they can do it again against a team that knows a thing or two about scoring points. The top scoring team in the NFL even. I mean I rate the Chiefs but not that much, I don’t see them as a top tier team. More like a solid one that’ll make the playoffs and then lose in the first round. Nothing wrong with that, somebody’s gotta lose.

Julio Jones as 1140 receiving yards through 11 games. He’s on pace for around 1700 for the season and if he stays fit then he’s surely gonna top 1500 for the third season running. Here’s the list of WRs who’ve done that before:

…

…

…

Yup, nobody has ever done it. There are only a handful of dudes who have three 1500+ seasons at all over their careers. Andre Johnson, Jerry Rice and Marvin Harrison. Harrison had a 1499 rec yds season in between his three 1500+ years so he was literally one yard off and Calvin Johnson would’ve done it too but for a 1492 yard year. And you know how these things go, you wait a hundred years for one and the second comes around straight away – Antonio Brown is gunning for the same milestone.

Wildcard’s Pick: Falcons by 3

Miami Dolphins (7-4) at Baltimore Ravens (6-5)

Look everybody, we found a kicker that can kick!

Justin Tucker. 34 consecutive field goals made including 4/4 last week in a 19-14 win over the Bengals. Three of them were from at least 52 yards out as well. The lad has quite the boot on him. And not only that but he’s out there doing God’s work and correcting the grammar of the official NFL twitter account:

Terrell Suggs: “We got the best kicker in the league. There’s no doubt about it. But we’ve got to keep the young kid humble. Like I said, I told him when I got back, I’ve never seen a kicker make some contract demands, but I guess when you’re the best kicker in the league you can do that. It’s great to have, like I said before, a kicker with ice in his veins.”

The Dolphins were pretty messy against the Niners but they got the win comfortably enough – that’s now six in a row for the Fins. Talking about the Rams a bit earlier, the Dolphins haven’t had a winning season since 2008 and haven’t won a playoff game since 2000. In fact their only two playoff games of the last 16 years were defeats to the Baltimore Ravens. Beat them here, that’d be a nice sprinkle on the cupcake of a new era. Adam Gase is a proper NFL coach, man. Jason Garrett and Jack Del Rio have the Coach of the Year race down two just them by this stage but a few more wins and Gase will have a case that in another year you never know…

Speaking of winning games, John Harbaugh has a few secrets up his sleeve:

Every player commits a holding penalty as the punter winds down the clock and steps back through the endzone as time expires. You find a hole in the rule books, and you loop that sucker all around. Offensive penalties don’t extend the clock and you don’t have to punt the ball back after a safety with no time remaining unless said safety was the result of a penalty and in this case it wasn’t. Not directly, anyway. So despite all the trickery, the game was over. Slimy buggers, aye?

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 4

Philadelphia Eagles (5-6) at Cincinnati Bengals (3-7-1)

This Week in Vontaze Burfict:

Yeah, Vonny somehow got the refs to call Steve Smith for the personal foul there. It’s a work of dark art, really. You can say how much you hate the guy but you’ve gotta give credit where devious credit is due.

I think it might be safe to write these two teams off for 2016.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bengals by 6

Buffalo Bills (6-5) at Oakland Raiders (9-2)

To quote a cartoon man in a bumblebee costume here…: “OUCHEEWAWAAA!”

You know it’s gotta be painful when a quarterback doesn’t even try to recover the ball he just fumbled, instead waving his hand around as he runs off to the sideline. And here’s the crazy thing… DEREK CARR RETURNED AND LED THE RAIDERS TO VICTORY! Two separate dislocations in the pinky finger of his throwing hand. He misses one series and returns with a gloved hand to add another ten points to their total and bank a win. Unbelievable stuff, man.

Derek Carr in the Fourth Quarter:

67% COMP / 946 YDS / 9 TDs / 1 INT / 121.3 RATE

The black glove made him look like Luke Skywalker in Return of the Jedi. I kinda like the style.

And another thing. You know that 2016 Khalil Mack Breakout Game we’ve all been waiting for? Well it happened.

Things get harder for the Raiders from here. Home to the Bills, away to Kansas City and San Diego, home to Indianapolis and away to Denver. None of those are games that they can afford to be off in, not even a little. Still, nine wins already guarantees a winning season, which they haven’t done since 2002 which was also when they last made the playoffs. You might even say that their remaining schedule is tough, sure, but it might be tougher for the five teams they play.

The Bills haven’t made the playoffs since 1999. Shady McCoy has been immense but looking at things I’ve got a funny feeling they’ll end up at 8-8 this season.

Wildcard’s Pick: Raiders by 6

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (6-5) at San Diego Chargers (5-6)

What even is a Charger? Nah I mean it, what is it? What does the name mean and what does the team do? Why the irrationality? Why the future Hall of Fame quarterback and still the completely ridiculous defeats? Why the three great quarters and one horrible one? Why San Diego? Why not San Diego? What does San Diego even mean, Ron Burgundy? Is that defence really good or really bad? Why does nobody notice how good Marvin Gordon is? Is it the early season fumbles? It’s gotta be the fumbles right? Why the hell didn’t they at least try throw to Antonio Gates last week? Just for the hell of it even? Oh and how goddamn talented is Joey Bosa?

2011 was the last time that the Buccs had a four game win streak but take a W in San Diego and they’ll have done it again. There are some monster wins in that too, beating Kansas City and Seattle. The Chargers therefore won’t come as frightening a defensive prospect but they can open things up with the ball in hand and in the air much better than those two. Loving what Dirk Koetter is doing there, though this game is a toss-up.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chargers for the sake of it, by 1

New York Giants (8-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers (6-5)

Another game that could go either way between two very strong teams. Traditionally two superb offences too, although this season you cannot say that the Giants haven’t relied on their defensive unit. Well they’ll have to again when they come up against Ben, Antonio and Le’Veon. Will need Odell to come up big as well to stay in touch on the scoreboard. Hey, that can all happen. Not impossible by any means.

Never fear though, because Peyton Manning is on hand to give out tips on beating Pittsburgh. The reigning champ and Bud drinker hung out at G-Men training the other day and offered some advice:

Eli: “Yeah, he gave some insight. Just some stuff that was successful. He’s played Pittsburgh a lot over the years, played them last year in the playoffs. So just had a few tips or ideas that may fit into our system.”

You know how in podcasts (but not ours) they try and integrate their ads so people won’t skip them? I’d bet when Peyton tours a team facility he does so fully sponsored up, dropping dumb chicken parm references and all that when nobody’s ready for it. Full credit to him for getting paid, but he’s retired now and still dominates the ad breaks more than any current player. I guess he’s got the time.

Big Ben and Eli went in the same 2004 NFL draft, Roethlisberger at 11 and Manning at 1, with Philip Rivers at 4 and of course the legends of Matt Schaub and Luke McCown in later rounds. Not a bad haul that year, was it?

ESPN: “Roethlisberger and Manning will face off as one of three quarterback pairs from the same draft class that won at least one Super Bowl each. The others are Joe Montana and Phil Simms from 1979 and Jim Plunkett and Joe Theismann in 1971.”

Eli Manning: 47089 PASS YDS | 314 TDs | 105 WINS

Ben Roethlisberger: 45740 PASS YDS | 295 TDs | 119 WINS

Philip Rivers: 44575 PASS YDS | 304 TDs | 97 WINS

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 3

Washington R**skins (6-4-1) at Arizona Cardinals (4-6-1)

Coming in as the new leader in things I didn’t expect to ever have to type: Would the Cardinals be better if they swapped quarterbacks with the R**skins?

Seriously though. Cousins may have gotten beaten on Thanksgiving against Dallas but he was really good, following on from a couple really impressive outings. 41 of 52 for 449 yards with 3 TDs against the Cowboys, since coming out of the bye his numbers read:

72.4% COMP / 1086 YDS / 8 TDs / 0 INTs / 124.4 RATE

That stuff is magic and it’s cool to see after he had the self-belief to gamble on a one year deal for 2016. This man’s getting paid soon enough. As will Carson Palmer continue to be but in the same period of time Palmer’s numbers are way less flattering:

56.8% COMP / 863 YDS / 5 TDs / 5 INTs / 73.5 RATE

Half their bloody team is coming off contract for 2017, including key fellas like Calais Campbell, Evan Mathis, D.J. Swearinger and Tony Jefferson. They can’t afford to re-sign some if not most of them and so there’s gonna have to be some rebuilding going on from this point. Pick who you wanna stay and start preparing to replace who you don’t. They knew this would be the case too that’s why they were so all in on this season and this is not how it was supposed to go. Way up near the top of the list why is the play of their quarterback, who is still coming up with some top plays but he’s nowhere near at the level of the last few years – and at nearly 37 years old you wonder if he can get that back. Doubtful, to be honest. But with the turnover they’re likely to have they can’t really afford to get rid of him either, not in the least coz of the dead money he’d leave behind.

Woah Larry! Fifth all-time and counting…

He’s up to 1096 since I snapped that screenie too. A list like that really makes you remember how ahead of his time Jerry Rice was too. He shattered almost every record. Helps that he was still catching 1200+ yards as a 40 year old. 

Wildcard’s Pick: R**skins by 4

Carolina Panthers (4-7) at Seattle Seahawks (7-3-1)

Less than 12 months ago this was an entertaining NFC Divisional clash, which the Panthers prevailed in 31-24. It feels like so long ago. Back when Cam Newton was the best player in the NFL, back before Trump was president, back when Prince and Leonard Cohen and Phife Dawg and Merle Haggard and Alan Vega and Sharon Jones were all alive still. Back when Peyton Manning was an NFL player still and before he won that last Super Bowl. Back when Kobe Bryant and Kevin Garnett and Tim Duncan were all still in the NBA. I guess a lot really can change in that time.

This is still a legit rivalry though and those two quarterbacks are still masters at what they do. Despite the record, nobody is looking forward to playing the Panthers – who might find a silver lining in being able to draft a decent offensive tackle now. Here’s a thing I stumbled on, not sure who to credit so guts to them:

Also, both defences are gonna love playing against the opposite offensive lines. Both of these dudes spend way too much time with their face in the dirt because of others’ mistakes. Don’t fall for the lack of hype though, this is the next best thing to Brady-Manning that the NFL has now.

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 5

Indianapolis Colts (5-6) at New York Jets (3-8)

Could go either way, could be a draw. Won’t be much worth watching in all likelihood so how’s about we just end this thing with one more twist of Aretha. Sing one for us all, Queen.

I’ve got goosebumps.

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 6

BYE: Cleveland Browns (0-12), Tennessee Titans (6-6)

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. There’s absolutely no way he could ever rock a mink coat like that.

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