An Entry In Sepp Blatter's Diary In Late May, 2015
Dear Diary,
Wilkomme,
Those fucking American yanky doodle twats.
They have been all up in my business for a while now and they have the audacity to arrest all my friends just as I was about to be re-elected as Fifa boss dog?
The joke's on them though as I'm still free, I'm still a cowboy and I still run the wild west. The sheriff can't catch me!
But what's if they do? Shit.
Nah, I haven't done anything wrong. And anyway, we've each got a couple million in Swiss bank accounts saved up for a rainy day so what's the worst that could happen?
Shout out to bribes man, my retirement is going to be sweet.
But what about my boat in Miami? Or my condo in South Carolina where I pretend to be this Swiss redneck guy?
REMINDER - tell the assistant to tell my son, to tell his cousin to pack everything up in Miami and to sell the condo. I still want the house in Miami though, they won't keep me out of America forever!
I bet those Americans are going to try get some information from the plebs they arrested, they're pretty good at torture you know. Hmm, that's an issue but these guys aren't terrorists so I doubt they'll get tortured ... even though half the 'terrorists' they torture aren't terrorists. Fucking Americans.
I'm pretty sure I could pay them to keep their mouths shut, it's worked before and it's the only real tactic I've got. So okay, yeah we'll go with that.
REMINDER - tell the assistant to the the brown envelopes ready.
"This really is the World Cup of fraud and today we're issuing Fifa a red card"
At least they've got a few puns up their sleeves, Uncle Sepp can play that game as well.
Studs up ... foul throw in ... bent it like Beckham ... sorry but you're offside ... I'll get back to this.
So I'll pay these guys some more money, stay away from America and oh balls, what about Russia and Qatar? Screw the Americans, Putin is the biggest danger.
I've got to tell them that everything is going to be sweet or else I might as well just give myself up and exist peacefully in a nice flush prison, they surely can't send me to prison.
REMINDER - tell the assistant to set up a meeting with Russia, fuck Qatar they were doomed from the start. One of those plebs decided it would be a good idea to play a World Cup in a desert during summer, idiots.
Hold on, don't Russia and America not really like each other? Boom, if I could somehow start a war and then just go hide somewhere? Yes Sepp, good one!
Alright so pay those plebs some money to shut up, stay away from America, tell Putin that it's all going to be fine AND tell Putin that America said that he's a dick and that Bear Grylls is so much more macho than him. That'll get them fired up.
We've got this, I haven't bribed, lied and tied all those loose ends up to let it all crumble infront of me. Especially not a the hands of those Americans, fuck soccer.
Guet Nacht