Last Week: 3/10

Overall: 26/60

Tottenham Hotspur vs Manchester City

What’s worse than getting knocked out of the League Cup at home to you closest and fiercest rivals? When the goals are both scored by Matty Flamini.

Meanwhile Man City looked like they were gonna put up a cricket score against Sunderland, picking a more-or-less full strength team, winning the toss and electing to bat first. They declared at 4-1 and ran a few kiddies, one of whom being George Evans, a local lad who’s been in the system since the under 8s. See, who says City don’t care about their academy?

This one’s more about new signings though. There’s not too much about Federico Fazio that says he can be a leading Premier League defender, or else why would Swansea loan him out anyway? A little too prone to mistakes, he is. Toby Alderweireld is quality but the fullback spots are slightly dodgy (or at least they will be against Sterling and De Bruyne/Navas) and that midfield is still a big work in progress. Like, it’s hard to see Eric Dier as much more than a stopgap, even if he’s doing okay. I do like me some Dele Alli and Son Heung-min though. Especially with Christian Eriksen back in action.

The thing is, even while City may have lost a couple recently, they’ve actually played quite well all the way through. Bad results happen, but they tend not to last while things are ticking.

Wildcard’s Pick: Citeh, what and right, lad.

Leicester City vs Arsenal

Two weeks in a row I’ve prematurely forecast the Leicester City demise. Two weeks in a row they’ve salvaged results from 2-0 deficits. I actually kinda hate them now.

Anyway, third time’s the charm. Arsenal ought to have trouble with the speed of Leicester. Mahrez can give Monreal kittens and Vardy may be getting a little overrated for a one-trick-pony (albeit in a Phar Lap kinda way – the dude’s like lightning across the pitch) but he’s gonna be a task for Kosc and Per. Expect the Foxes to launch a few long balls in behind and try take advantage of that. However they’re also gonna give Arsenal an open game and that’s what the Gunners want. Freedom to pass and roam. Alexis Sanchez in space and running at defenders. Plus Arsenal had their monthly deflating loss last week so they should be in the clear.

There will be no pizza on this day.

Wildcard’s Pick: Gunners by a couple of goals and this time Leicester won’t make the comeback.

Liverpool vs Aston Villa

Can you hear that noise? That rumbling, rhythmic menace in the distance? That’s the sound of thousands of footsteps marching towards Anfield with torches and pitchforks, calling for the head of Brendan Rodgers.

Sure, they squeezed into the next round of the League Cup, but it’s pretty much a net loss when you need penalties against League Two Carlisle. And you miss two of those penalties (Lallana & Coutinho). Plus before that they drew 1-1 with their traditional whipping boys Norwich and got pasted 3-1 by bitter rivals Man Utd. If it weren’t for a Coutinho beauty and an offside goal then they’d be below Chelsea on the table, winless. These are not the results that Rodgers needed to assuage the critics. The choruses are getting louder. The choir’s getting larger.

It now feels quite inevitable that he’s either gotta pick up the tempo or pick up the want-ads. But it wouldn’t be right if the saga didn’t drag out a bit longer. Benteke’s doubtful against his old side, Milner will suit up against the Villans though. Going back to the old stomping ground is always an interesting dynamic. Frankly, Villa seem a little shambolic what with all the new fellas and all. Especially at the back. Liverpool might just get this one, albeit unconvincingly. Hold the firing squad for another week.

Wildcard’s Pick: Liverpool 1-0

Southampton vs Swansea City

Probably the second teams for 90% of Premier League fans. Surely there’s a way in which both teams can win? No? Alright then, Saints it is. Looks like they’re finding a bit of form now anyway. Both team can hit you hard from the wings and both have a powerful striker leading the lines. Only Southampton have that little bit more punch in the midfield. James Ward-Prowse, he’s one to keep a hold of. They’ve fiddled over a few different options but Fonte/Van Dyk has the makings of a superb centre back partnership. Won’t be shocked if it’s a draw, though I doubt Swansea can win.

Wildcard’s Pick: Southampton 2-1

Stoke City vs Bournemouth

Wildcard’s Pick: That’s Stoke breaking the duck with their first win.

Manchester United vs Sunderland

A Dictionary of Anthony Martial Puns for Use by Hack Journalists:

• Martial Law
• Martial Arts
• Court Martial
• Field Martial
• Mixed Martial Arts

Ah, that’s all I’ve got. But he’s quite a player isn’t he? I certainly didn’t expect such a quick impact, though I’ll say I was never worried about his goal scoring record. Strikers can be dependent on service and on top of that he played a bit of winger anyway. You can tell a good finisher by how ruthless they are in front of goal. Martial’s like an executioner when he gets himself one-on-one... which gives the Court Martial headline a little more weight.

You’re welcome.          

Wildcard’s Pick: Sunderland are awful, United should coast.

West Ham United vs Norwich City

And now for a sentence that I never in my life thought I’d ever write:

Norwich could be a tough ask for the Hammers despite beating City at the Etihad last week, especially since they have to play at home.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1

Newcastle United vs Chelsea

A Day in the Life of Diego Costa:

When Diego wakes up, he doesn’t wake up like normal people. He purposefully gets up on the wrong side of the bed. In fact, he had his bed specifically made so that it only has two wrong sides. From there he makes his way to the breakfast table, taking no effort to make his bed or put his dirty laundry away, and he sits down to eat his cereal. Not once does he consider using a coaster for his chocolate milk – in fact he swigs it straight from the bottle – nor does he even imagine the mere concept of a placemat beneath his bowl. Instead he leaves crushed Weet-Bix fragments and milk and sugar residue all over the dining room table.

Then it’s time for a shower. Diego Costa may act like he was raised in the sewers beneath a city but he still values his hygiene. However he doesn’t value other people’s hygiene quite so much, so the stray pubic hairs on the soap and the unrinsed sink after he shaves his stubbly face are of no thought to him. Just like how he leaves his used towel flopped in a corner of the bathroom slowly gathering mould with all the others. As it happens, he seems to have lost his toothbrush too. Kurt Zouma probably still has it after Diego made him wash his car with it. Oh well, Diego can always just borrow this one, nobody else seems to be using it.

The drive to training is always a pleasant one, though it’d be nicer if people didn’t keep honking at him every time he abruptly changed lanes. It’s as if they don’t even realise that he’s a professional footballer. Maybe they’re Arsenal fans.

El Jefe Jose calls Diego into his office as soon as he arrives. Apparently there’s a letter from ‘Those Bastards’. Must be the FA again, Jose really doesn’t like them. It turns out there’s been a complaint over Diego’s behaviour in the last game.

“WHAT!? No, not me! Surely not! I didn’t do anything wrong, I was a saint. Slapped him? Not a chance. I don’t even know who this Koscielny person is. Show me a photo. Nope, never seen him before in my life. Video evidence? Rubbish, it’s a conspiracy. They’re out to get us Jose, you know, you say it all the time. Look, I’m facing the other way, it was an accident. Referee, come on!”

Jose sympathises but he cannot change the ruling. Diego has a three match ban. He settles himself down by giving a few wedgies to some academy players and spitting in all the mugs in the cafeteria. Then he loosens all the lids to the salt jars and leaves giggling.

By then it is almost time for training and so Diego Costa sits by the side of the field sharpening his sprigs. 60 minutes, 3 card-able tackles, 2 head-butts, 15 slaps, 127 shirt tugs and 1 pulling down of Cesc Fabregas’ pants later, it is time to wash up and head home. Diego’s been guzzling mouthfuls from everyone else’s water bottles all session, so now he needs to take a piss. He does so. All over the toilet seat. Then he leaves without flushing.

For dinner he goes to a restaurant and spends more time on complaints than he does money on tips. Oscar and Willian are always apologising for him, which keeps him from getting booted out after he trips a waiter with a tray, sending soup flying all over the place. A couple of drops land on Diego’s shirt and he complains furiously to the manager. Eventually he receives a full apology and a complimentary meal. He orders the most expensive dish and moans that it’s undercooked.

Following this, Diego meets up with Pedro for a movie, though he’s quickly bored and talks all the way through it. When a patron yells at him to shut up, Diego snitches loudly to the usher and gets the man ejected.

On his way home he stops the taxi outside Gabriel’s house and hurls a few toilet rolls out over the property. Then he honks the horn three times loudly and, laughing, tells the driver to speed off. He makes sure the car parks a couple of blocks from his house, then gets out and makes a run for it without paying. It’s been a while since he ran this far but it was worth it. Maybe tomorrow he’ll take a stroll through town and see if he can’t cat-call some pretty women and make a few babies in strollers cry. Who knows? Tomorrow is a new day.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea 2-0

Watford vs Crystal Palace

You know what they say about Crystal Palace playing away from home?

Must have big shoes.

No… wait. I got that wrong.

Wildcard’s Pick: Palace for the win.

West Bromwich Albion vs Everton

Ross.

Sometimes you must feel

Like an absolute boss.

The way you leave defenders

Cowering in your wake.

The way you leave goalkeepers

Begging you to take

Mercy.

But you do no such thing.

Wildcard’s Pick: Ooh, maybe another draw. WBA are coming good.