Do you know who the next Wellington Phoenix manager is going to be? Can you drop a mate a line if you do, maybe get TNC that big scoop? Help some independent kiwi media battlers catch a break? (On that note: chuck us a few bucks on Patreon if you’re a day one, pledge enough and we’ll give ya a free hat or something).

Because the Welly Nix are at a massive crossroads in the history/future of this club. If they bugger up the next managerial appointment like they buggered up the last one then that could mean doom-skees for the only fully professional team in Aotearoa.

And yet all we bloody hear these days - other than some politicised drama about licence sales and then a few player movements (laters bro, Mike McGlinchey) - is who isn’t going to be the next gaffer. Like, start with a list including every football manager on the planet and we’ll slowly eliminate candidates until we’ve got one completely inoffensive yet qualified winner left standing. Make a reality telly show out of it, surely gotta be better than watching politicians trying to dance. Shout out to Suzy Cato though.

There are a few names who are still in the running. Right now the focus is turning inwards towards New Zealand Football, which seems a little incestuous but also comes with certain advantages. It’d reinforce the connection between the Phoenix and the governing body which has gotten in the way of the flamethrowers emanating from Nix HQ lately (no wonder Dome & Morrison don’t usually chat much) and the Phoenix need all the allies they can get at the moment. Plus the national team system is hogging a couple UEFA A-Licences. Seems those are rather hard to come by.

And also, you know, they don’t really have much of a choice, because there’s already a long list of people who won’t be the next Wellington Phoenix manager…

Jean-Paul De Marigny

In terms of his resume, JPDM is about the ideal candidate for what the Nix are looking for. He knows the A-League, having served his apprenticeship as an assistant, but is also hungry enough to establish himself as a head coach that he was keen on the Nix gig. He’s worked with the Australian under-17’s and was a Soccerroo international back in the day. But the reports now are that he’s walked away from negotiations because the terms on offer weren’t completely to his liking.

Normally that means that money was the problem. In this case, with the job in a different country, there could easily have been others things he didn’t rate about the contract he never got but it probably wasn’t that at all. More like getting a four match ban for storming the pitch and slapping an opposition player, David Carney, after Terry Antonis scored the winner for Melbourne Victory in extra time in the semi last weekend was the problem.

That raw emotion can be damn near inspirational within a team context but the Nix don’t have the luxury of picking only from a team context. They’ve got #metrics to hit. Hiring a dude with a history of yapping off would be reckless. Here’s the rap sheet based on a five-minute google…

December 2016: One match ban for verbally abusing an official
January 2017: Three match ban for verbally abusing an opposition coach
April 2018: Four match ban for invading the pitch and assaulting a player

You blew it, JP. You really blew it.

Hayden Foxe

40 year old Aussie who played 21 times in the Premier League and was undefeated as caretaker boss of Western Sydney Wanderers at the start of the season (before Josep Gombau came in and ruined it all). He’d replaced his mate Tony Popovic who resigned a week out from the start of the season to go manage Karabükspor in Turkey but TP got sacked in December and Foxe quit as WSW assistant like a week later. Foxe is another who supposedly didn’t rate the terms offered by the Nix and chances are he’s back in the game as Popovic’s assistant as soon as Popa gets another A-League job… Perth, maybe? Sydney FC? Tell you one thing: the Nix can’t afford him, so don’t even ask.

Chris Greenacre

For the third time, Chris Greenacre took on the role of caretaker manager for the Nix this past season. There should be a rule that three caretaker gigs and the job is yours. Greenie definitely lifted the spirits in the dressing room and coaxed some decent performances from the lads despite the grind of a shocking campaign. But he didn’t actually get a win until the final game and, anyway, he doesn’t have the proper qualifications. Which is a shame because a well-liked manager who doesn’t overcomplicate things and has a connection not only with the history of the club but also the academy system sounds like a good bet right now.

Aurelio Vidmar

The first man linked with the Phoenix, even before Kalezic was confirmed to be outta there. He did good stuff with Adelaide, winning coach of the year in 2008-09, although that success went south by the end of his time there and he’s a wild personality who’d be tough to wrangle. Refer to JPDM and remember that added controversy is the last thing that the Nix need from their manager. Not that it matters because he never came close to agreeing to things. Apparently wanted more control over the direction of the franchise and all that, typical big boy negotiating. Moving on now.

Tony Vidmar

Namesake of the previous bloke and current assistant to Warren Joyce at Melbourne City but Tony V decided he didn’t want it because there wasn’t going to be enough money available for marquee signings, what with the franchise in danger of getting kicked out of the league and all that. Kinda gets in the way of making excessive investments. Seems like only Aussie outlets were linking him anyway so that might just be a busy agent trying to get a fella’s name out there.

Scott Miller

Former boss of the Newcastle Jets who worked for several years at Fulham over in England before trying to fix the Jets, the youngest head coach in A-League history at 33 years old when he took over there. Then he went to Denmark for a bit now he’s looking to get back into the Aussie stuff. However it looks like he’s much keener on the Central Coast job than he is the Phoenix one. Like, he’s actually come out and said he wants it, which is more than pretty much anyone has done with the Nix job.

Ramon Tribulietx

Not only does Ramon not have the badges that the A-League declares one must have in order to be able to manage a footy team but he isn’t even close to getting them because the highest ranked badge that he does have comes from some independent Spanish group and thus it ain’t UEFA approved. Do whistles come with licences too? What about sprigs on boots, do you need to sit a test before you can wear them? Strange world that we live in where you can be President of the United States with zero qualifications at all but telling football players how to play football requires multiple certificates. Would’ve been a good time for Ramon to make a step up, missing the Club World Cup and all, but oh well whatever never mind.

Paul Ifill

Club legend and always good for a positive soundbite amidst the many, many negative ones that swirl around the Phoenix beat. Too early for him as a manager though.

Jason Pine

He’s the only person who can get Domey and Morrison to answer their phones so that’s got to count for something but telly ratings are part of the metrics as well so probably best not to take away the Nix’s best commentator.