The Wildcard’s Premier League Predictions - Week 1
That kid in the Arsenal shirt thinking: "He knows that's not Mahrez and Musa, right?"
Last Season: 164/380
Hull City vs Leicester City
Saturday 11.30pm (NZT)
Oh, hello there. Fancy running into you again, why it’s been a while. Yeah I was just taking a little nap, resting my eyes some, no it’s fine, come in, do you want something to drink? Alrighty I’ll pop the kettle on, did you catch ol’ Bond and Murray in the rowing? Mate, they were something else, those guys are unbeatable. Yup, been watching quite a bit of it, y’know. Gotta stay up to date when you’re writing about it. Probably watch a bit of the athletics tonight, maybe some handball and a bit of cycling. True, the golf’s on as well. Football? Yeah well the Brazilians finally picked it up in that last game, right? English football? Nah, they didn’t enter a team. It’s complicated. Premier League… oh crap the Premier League’s on!!! Dammit, I’ve gotta write my predictions!
Argh, bloody footy. I love the bugger but it would have been polite to wait until the Olympics were over before bombarding me with more writable content than I could swing a boot at. Just so happens to be the most fascinating start to a season in at least a decade too, my freakin’ luck right here. Oh well, the wicked never rest so I’d better not either. Know that this thang here was written under the heavy influence of Bell Tea and sleep deprivation.
Funny thing about Leicester is that they only a few months ago pulled off the greatest sustained upset in modern sports and people still don’t trust them. Mostly because by shocking the world they also woke a couple of sleeping giants from Manchester while the cities of London and Liverpool have a selection of clubs who fancy themselves for something special too. The record of stunning underdog wins in major European league then backing that up is not particularly flash but Leicester have done what they can so far. Keep a hold of all but one star, buy a few decent newbies – Ahmed Musa is gonna be amazing – and try keep things together.
As for Hull…
Their manager has walked away after the hierarchy broke one too many promises, there’s an injury crisis currently running through the club backing up the waiting room outside the physio’s table like Mino Raiola’s unread messages and they haven’t signed a soul to deal with that. Seriously, on FPL they’ve got 12 players listed for Hull that aren’t carrying knocks. It’s as disastrous a lead-in as you could imagine.
Plenty can happen between now and the end of the season and Hull could well figure something out that saves them. Right now though, they look a sure bet for dead last. The question about Leicester backing it up is irrelevant for a few weeks, only time can tell. This one should be fairly simple though. Don’t forget that Hull are stepping up from a lower division and their first task is to defend the team that nobody could figure out last season, not the Champions League teams or anyone.
Here’s some classic Ranieri from the other day. The man is a comedian, mate.
Wildcard’s Pick: 3-1 to Leicester
Crystal Palace vs West Bromwich Albion
Sunday 2.00am (NZT)
Hahaha, okay now. Palace vs West Brom, two teams who make a good case for ending the transfer window before the season starts because we’re about to kick off and neither of these two teams has signed the striker they want yet. To be fair, WBA woulda had him if Diafra Sakho had passed his medical but I dunno he’s all that better than Salomon Rondon anyway. Both will probably get their dudes but the first few weeks will be dumb as the lawyers get to work.
Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1
Burnley vs Swansea City
Sunday 2.00am (NZT)
Both of these two clubs are gonna take a few weeks to figure out. Burnley were like Bournemouth the year before Bournemouth but they weren’t as ambitious and got relegated. Then bounced straight back up, which is nice for them but they haven’t really done anything to amend the mistakes that cost them two seasons ago. Meanwhile Swansea found themselves in that tough place where a caretaker manager has done enough to be offered the full gig but you never quite wanna do that because, as Tim Sherwood proves better than anyone else, those kinds of situations don’t tend to flow into pleasant campaigns the next time. Repairing other people’s errors is easier than building a house from scratch. But Guidolin seems a nice bloke so best of luck to him,
What’s weird about Swansea is that they’ve sold their captain and given up on Bafetimbi Gomis too. Instead they’ve signed a few Spaniards, highlighted by Fernando Llorente who WON A WORLD CUP, to score their goals. Looks like they’re working to get back to the silky, passing team they were when they first came up – a tendency that’s eroded since… well, since Brendan Rodgers left, to be honest.
It’s all good in concept but it may or may not payoff. Both of these teams are in the tier where survival = #1. Swansea’s new blokes might need a few games to settle, the newbies are always pumped for the first game. Gimme a slight win to the home team.
Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 Burnley
Middlesbrough vs Stoke City
Sunday 2.00am (NZT)
Here, have a look at how last season’s predictions would look in the form of a league table. Obviously I was an arsehole in always picked Man Utd, sorry about that but one of my most important sports gambling rules is to never go against the team I support. It took me ages to get on the Leicester and West Ham bandwagons too.
Anyway, that’s a laugh. I used that in week 38 of last season but I wanted to have another geeze.
Boro were a team I’d been keeping an eye on in the Championship as one I thought could cut it in the top flight and with their additions to the squad I’ve got tingles in the belly for these buggers. Stoke not as much, like a few other teams they’re a striker away from being legit. Oh but I do dig a middy of Imbula and Allen. Yes, this Joe Allen, the chicken farmer.
Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0
Everton vs Tottenham Hotspur
Sunday 2.00am (NZT)
You know, while people are wondering whether Leicester can forge a legit title challenge again, it’s really Spurs that should be getting that focus. I say they can, but what the hell do I know? I need a drink.
Considering that Ashley Williams won’t be ready for this one… actually John Stones wasn’t even starting for them by the end of last season so no biggie. Williams is a monster defender who’s finally getting the credit he deserves but he doesn’t really add much pace to a defence that only really has Seamus Coleman in that regard. Muhamed Besic is out for ages which sucks. Everton’s team is a while away from being set and it may not even happen in the next 12 months. This is a transitional thing and those take time, with the best of Martinez merged with the best of Koeman and whatever’s left of the Moyes framework. So… frugal and solid transfer work with positive attacking footy and a trusty defence and hardworking midfield. The Premier League’s too strong right now for the steps they’re making to pay-off on the table, methinks, but they’re on the right track and that’s good to see.
Wildcard’s Pick: Spurs 2-1
Southampton vs Watford
Sunday 2.00am (NZT)
No relevance, I’ve just had that song stuck in my head for a while. Love that tune. “She came from Greece, she had a thirst for knowledge. She studied sculpture at St Martin’s College…”
I think if Troy Deeney wasn’t on this Watford team, I’d be locking them in for relegation. Dunno if that says more for Deeney or for his teammates. I’m interested in seeing these two play each other in particular coz by the looks of pre-season they’re each setting about formational changes. Watford were a typically 4-4-2 team last year, though their wingers were often just centre mids wandering around trying to hold the ball – with 99% of the goal responsibility shared between Deeney and Odion Ighalo. Now Walter Mazzarri is instituting a three-man defence, which would free up the midfielders a little more and still keep the two fellas at the top – I’d like to see Mario Gomez thrive in that system, no doubt. Southampton used to be a trendy 4-2-3-1 but now are eying up Claude Puel’s pet set-up of 4-4-2 with a diamond midfield, which will sacrifice a fair bit of width and Dusan Tadic through the middle is a risk but I adore the idea of Nathan Redmond as a striker. Get that lad involved, I say.
And you, yes you. Get involved in some Fantasy Premier League:
Wildcard’s Pick: Saints 2-0
Manchester City vs Sunderland
Sunday 4.30am (NZT)
Welcome back Moyesy. Remember how you could never beat the top four? Well, it’s a top six now and that doesn’t even count Liverpool or West Ham. Good luck son. You may need it. Although to be fair, this was a good get on Sunderland’s part – a manager with a record that’s much better than his reputation. They could have gotten this one well wrong and they’d already have a foot in the Championship so fair play there.
Seven teams have new managers entering this new season and one other team doesn’t have a manager at all. Kinda strange that, though it’s fun to see the Premier League entering the age of the Super Gaffer, where charismatic personalities in the dugout and conflicting philosophies on the park outrank the sorry soldiers that are expected to act them out by proxy.
Pep Guardiola’s first game in English football is the drawcard here. Primetime viewing. Second on the billing only to the unveiling of Paddy McNair and Donald Love. Or Adnan Januzaj, you know Moyes always go the best out of that young’un.
Pep is better because…
- Possession is 9/10 of the law
- The struggle for perfection is the noblest pursuit of all
- Technique makes a footballer
- Espanyol
- Barca and City
- We are all equals on the footy field
- The Beatles
- Lionel Messi
Jose is better because…
- It’s not how much you have but how you use it
- Wins are the only currency that matter
- A player is nothing without that competitive edge
- Portugal
- Real and United
- Football is a meritocracy
- The Rolling Stones
- Cristiano Ronaldo
Wildcard’s Pick: City 3-0
Bournemouth vs Manchester United
Monday 12.30am (NZT)
If the Community Shield showed anything it’s that Manchester United are not going to hit the ground running with a fresh, attacking mentality. The LVG hooks are in fairly deep and that’s not a terrible thing, it’s great for the defence for one. Zlatan will score goals no matter the standard or build-up so they oughta start this one off on the right foot regardless. Bournemouth beat MUFC last season, remember? It was also the return fixture that got postponed coz of that fumbled bomb test on the final day of the season. Bournemouth’s strategy of buying only players around 22 or younger and with a point to prove is fascinating. They’ve already got the experience leaders anyway. I’d imagine this game sees United dominate to little effect before scrapping a close victory that leaves both teams with plenty to work on. It’s only week one after all.
Yeah, yeah, yeah… BUT IS POGBA GONNA PLAY!? The answer is no, he’s still serving a suspension for accumulated yellow cards in the Coppa Italia from last season. Probably cost Juventus a few extra million, that lil ditty.
Wildcard’s Pick: Man Utd 1-0
Arsenal vs Liverpool
Monday 3.00am (NZT)
Tell you what, there are some quality fixtures this opening weekend and this might be #1. Given Liverpool’s trouble at the back last time and the fact that Simon Mignolet will be in goal plus that they’ve pumped up their creative midfielder count, there should be goals here. A theory that’s boosted by a proper crisis at the back for Arsenal where they’re fast running out of centre backs despite an embarrassment of riches at the other end. They drew 0-0 last season but that was the first time in 43 matches between the pair where that’d been the case. There are always goals between these two buggers and circumstances suggest that’ll be the case once more.
If el Wildcardo was in Arsene’s shoes, I’d chuck this Rob Holding lad at CB with Franny Coquelin. Should be good, aye bro? Then I’d tell Granit Xhaka that Jordan Henderson was talking trash about his mother right before kickoff and then unleash him upon the pitch. Then I’d tell Theo Walcott that house prices in Stoke are relatively affordable these days. Then I’d record myself for hours just talking in that accent. Love it.
Wildcard’s Pick: 3-2 Arsenal
Chelsea vs West Ham United
Tuesday 7.00am (NZT)
Then we close it out with a really competitive one between a couple London clubs that rate themselves to finish in Europe for next season… though only WHU have that honour this go around. A draw might suit both of them as a settler to kick things off, each has a few things to work through early on. For West Ham it’s the fact that Dimitri Payet hasn’t played more than 45 minutes or so since the Euros and for Chelsea it’s the lingering cloud of Last Time. Jose left them in a wreck, that was plain to see. But have Hiddink and Conte really plastered the cracks or, you know…?
They had an old game between these two from 2010 on the new BeIN channel the other day, with Frank Lampard gunning around the midfield and Didier Drogba being a general menace. Florent Malouda scored a beauty. West Ham, meanwhile, were relying on Carlton Cole to score. Now, Carlton has a wicked good twitter account. He just wasn’t exactly in the same class as Le Drog. These days unless Eden Hazard gets back to where he was 15 months ago then the squads are almost level.
Of course, Chelsea have this thing called depth. If they’re short on players, there are about 30 of them dispersed around Europe that they can recall from loan at a whim.
So I’m gonna lean on Chelsea since they’re at home and with that I’ve gotta get back to the Olympics now. Queen Val’s about to throw and my eyelids are heavier than Grant Holt already. On that subject:
Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea 2-1