The word on the street is that Kevin Barry and DUCO are ready to push their prize fighting potential superstar into the big time next year. That’s the claim, fights against top ten ranked brawlers, putting Joseph Parker onto the world’s stage.

"I expect in the next eight, maybe nine months, we could get as high as the No 1 mandatory in one of three organisations that we are very active in.” – Dean Lonergan

But first he has to fight American Jason Bergman in Samoa in January. A 31 year old southpaw with a career record of 25 wins, 2 draws and 11 losses. Here he is back in 2007 getting his nose busted in by Bowie Tupou, remember him? He was Parker’s fifteenth victim – a first round knockout in Invercargill in August.

We here at The Niche Cache are all big fans of Joseph Parker and have some lofty expectations as to where his career may end up. No pressure, Joe. So it’s been an impatient run of things so far as his promoters have simultaneously tried to build his profile in New Zealand to that of an elite sportsman while putting him out there to almost murder these obviously overreaching battlers in the ring. There’s a process of getting to where he needs to be and if these fights look like glorified sparring sessions then that’s because they pretty much are. Parker’s refining and perfecting his technique to complement one of the hardest jabs in heavyweight boxing. Cool.

It’s just that all the progress that he’s made has been outside of the ring and inside of it things have only looked stagnant. Parker steps into the ring against some lippy old pro talking and then knocks the bugger out in humiliating time. Where do they find these guys? In the last nine months Parker has fought five different dudes for a total of ten rounds of boxing. And each one of those fights cost $39.95 to view in NZ. Meanwhile the Fury-Klitschko title fight was free for SKY Sports subscribers (huh?).

(Wildcard’s Theory: Maybe they’re taking longer than they need to with Parker in order to wait out Wladimir Klitschko’s stranglehold on the heavyweight division? Like, maybe Parker could have done what Fury just did but it’s unlikely against a legendary fighter with five inches on him in reach and a couple in height. But as when any great dynasty falls, there’s soon gonna be a mad scramble for the throne and nobody really thinks that Tyson Fury’s gonna reign supreme for the next decade. May as well wait it out, no hurry. Fury could well lose to Klitschko in the rematch but Wlad isn’t hanging around much longer and the mad scramble is when you wanna time the run for. Just a theory.)

We love Joseph Parker. We believe in the slow burn approach to his career. We have faith that he’ll soon start fighting guys that really matter, guys that knocking out will advance his career (he’s allowed to take a competitive loss too, that wouldn’t be the end of the world). However that slow burn is really starting to flicker out. It could really be that his handlers let Parker loose early next year, but just in case they’re still not ready and just in case DUCO and co. need a little help in organising Parker’s next fight after he return from beautiful Apia – and they surely must be busy what with all the work it takes in convincing old sportsmen and C-List celebrities to put their money-makers in the way of the slowly driven and heavily padded fists of their peers for the slight benefit of charity and the great entertainment of the corporate monkeys that were given free tickets because of their incredibly important jobs where they effectively redistribute money to the top of the wealth pyramid – here are a list of possible contenders to step into the ring against The Next Big Thing, Smokin’ Joe Parker in the name of sport and human sacrifice:

Homer Simpson

The perfect opponent, based on the last few fights. Simpson had a brief spell as a heavyweight boxer back in 1996 when he realised he had a superhuman ability to take a beating. So he worked his way up the hobo leagues with his own extreme version of the Rope-A-Dope to the point where he earned himself a bout against heavyweight champion Drederick Tatum. Homer was literally there only to give the crowd three good rounds, though his trainer, the not-so-legendary Moe Szyslak, threw in the towel within one. Sounds incredibly similar to what Parker’s had to deal with in 2015.

Mickey Rourke

Once thought to be Hollywood’s next Marlon Brando, Rourke did the Ultimate Brando by walking away from it all to pursue a career as a boxer in the early 90s. He’s since back into acting – The Wrestler was good, man! – but the reconstructive surgery he needed after the pugilism has pretty much curtailed his stardom. Hard to get roles when you look like you just overdosed on Snickers bars despite that crippling nut allergy. Anyway, Rourke returned to the ring in 2014 after 20 years and subsequently decked an opponent 33 years younger than him with the softest knockout blow seen since the mafia stopped caring about the sport. Turns out the dude was homeless and Rourke’s people had fixed the fight for cash. If anything, he might be overqualified for a DUCO/Fight For Life bout.

A Boxing Kangaroo

Not conventional, perhaps not even legal. But it’d definitely get the Trans-Tasman rivalry juices flowing. The Red Kangaroo is the world’s largest surviving marsupial at an average height of around 6 ft 7 in and weighing in at 90 kgs. Parker would still have a significant weight advantage even if we found a particularly heavy one, although he’d be craning his neck at a three inch disadvantage. To be fair, though, that’d all be cancelled out by those pathetically short arms that kangaroos have. Parker’s go the reach no doubt. Which is cool, because with the cricket and netball this year, we’re still in debt even after the rugby.

Rocky Balboa

Yeah, like, why not? Parker vs Balboa, it’d be one for the ages. Might be a tricky one to organise since Sylvester Stallone is now almost 70 years old and, according to the latest Rocky film, no longer fighting. But maybe they can recast him? The kid from Creed would’ve been a good one but he looks a couple weight classes to small. Rocky may be able to take a hit but people often forget that he lost in the first film, so he’s definitely beatable.

David Gallop

For little other reason than that he needs a bit of a belting for the way he’s handling the FFA. Where’s the Wellington Phoenix’s ten year extension, aye Davie!? How about this, we take a year off the licence for every round you survive? It’d be a farcical fight but no less farcical than Zac Guildford vs Art The Bachelor (does he have a last name?). Whoever taught Zac to fight with his hands down by his waist was a fraudster. Whack, right in the kisser. Get ya money back on that one, son.

Muhammad Ali

Not 1970s Ali, jeezus, that’d be a tough ask. But current day Ali. Just think of the marketing potential! The Greatest vs The Next Big Thing/Local Hero. It’s everything that DUCO look for in a fight: He’s old, he’s physically incapacitated and he talks a good game (or at least he always did in the past), plus there’d be the ‘coming out of literal retirement’ factor to work with – might be able to charge three figures for this one. Also, a win over a former champion will look fantastic on Parker’s record. Ali may be in his 70s now but that’s still younger than Kali Meehan, who honest-to-God had his own son on his undercard when he fought Parker.

Anthony Joshua, Deontay Wilder, Alexander Povetkin, Ruslan Chagaev, Bermane Sitvern, David Haye, Bryant Jennings, Dereck Chisora, Tyson Fury or Wladimir Klitschko

Nah, not yet. He’s not ready.