Power Ranking the Blackcaps Telly Commentators
Richie Benaud used to have a small list of rules for cricket commentary. One of the all time great voices, mimicked and parodied almost as much as he was beloved, when Richie The Great Man spoke, people listened. His rules were as follows:
- Never ask for a statement.
- Remember the value of a pause.
- There are no teams in the world called 'we' or 'they'.
- Avoid cliches and banalities, such as 'he's hit that to the boundary', 'he won't want to get out now', 'of course', 'as you can see on the screen'.
- The Titanic was a tragedy, the Ethiopian drought a disaster, and neither bears any relation to a dropped catch.
- Put your brain into gear before opening your mouth.
- Concentrate fiercely at all times.
- Above all, don't take yourself too seriously, and have fun.
The top commentators realise that the show isn’t about them, their job is to accentuate what the viewer is seeing on the screen, rather than explain it. At its very best, live sports commentary is inseparable from the legendary moments they accompanied. “Down goes Frazier!” “Aguerooooo!” “Elliott hits it into the grandstand and New Zealand are in the World Cup final!”
Think about that for a second and then think about what Richie Benaud and his old mates brought to the party. Now think about the inanity that’s replaced them, the boy’s club of ex-players all jabbing at each other about golf swings, last night’s dinner and their many Test centuries of the past. Always with a pre-programmed highlights package ready to go. Thing is, folks like Shane Warne and Michael Clarke are actually pretty brilliant cricketing minds and when they stick to that they’re always insightful. But the rest of it makes them completely insufferable. Richie’s Rule #3 gets shattered every couple minutes when the Channel Nine team’s on the mic.
That’s Australia but it’d be silly to say Aotearoa doesn’t have its own problems with sports commentary. The main one being the thing that’s to blame for most things that Sky Sports does wrong: they have no competition and can basically do whatever they want. The consequences of that are pretty frustrating, especially if you’re hoping to watch anything other than rugby or cricket (Fox Sports NRL > Anything Sky Sports NZ has to offer), perhaps with the exception of Andrew Mulligan and Casey Frank’s dynamic duo on the Breakers coverage (but when was the last time you watched a Breakers home broadcast which didn’t involve a scoreboard mishap?). Sky Sports’ stranglehold on kiwi football in particular has been a recurring annoyance on these pages.
Their Blackcaps coverage is top notch though, gotta be honest. That WASP bollocks can bugger off but for the most part we’re talking a sharp, enjoyable broadcast. A decent amount of pregame coverage, apart from the TAB love-in (you wouldn’t give sex, drugs or rock and roll a feature in the preview so how come gambling gets away with it?), with great access to players and fans both, thanks to the underappreciated talents of Laura McGoldrick doing NZ’s version of the American sideline reporter duties. If you think those live crosses are easy, try directing the school play at your local primary and see how good kids are sticking to scripts and time limits.
Then there’s the commentary team linking it all together. Not always particularly well, this lot have their ups and downs and affinities for golf and dinner as well (not as many Test centuries, granted), but they do bring an amiable atmosphere to the game which reflects the kiwi summer sport in the way that we want it to be perceived. It’s all about presentation, ya know? Sell the people what you want them to buy.
Anyway, before we get into the rankings – which are completely subjective and yours will be different to mine based on what you want in a commentator and all that – let it be known that the two finest cricket commentators in the country are both working in radio: Sir Jeremy Coney and Lord Bryan Waddle. Just as the BBC’s Test Match Special get dibs on the most delightful of English cricketing speakers (Johnathan Agnew and the recently-retired Henry Blofeld most of all), Radio Sport’s hogging the two best in Aotearoa. Their level of wit and wisdom is untouchable on television, cricket on the radio has always had that advantage.
Then we have the Alternative Commentary Collective doing their thing in NZ. Not so much alternative as heavily backed by NZME and its iHeartRadio endeavours, they’ve somehow wrangled an alt audio option on Sky’s coverage of the first Test against England next week. Good for them, if testicle jokes are your gig then you’re in for a treat of barely disguised innuendo. Their player nicknames suck though. Also not sure why TNC hasn’t been invited into the caravan yet, by the way. On the same topic, Guerrilla Cricket from the UK is a lovely way to listen to a game of cricket. Check them out when you get a second. Hey and even a few of your mates at The Niche Cache have dabbled in cricket commentary thanks to our buddies at Spalk.
All that goes to show that the traditional thing about just hiring the most recently retired players is pretty short-sighted. You need a bit of that to get the deepest insight into the sport but you also need to be able to broadcast live and that’s a bloody tough thing to get the hang of whilst still being entertaining. Broadcast training goes a long way and there’s a reason those ACC dudes (they’re all dudes) do what they do as well as they do – they’re all radio/tv guys.
Similarly if you don’t have to have played at the highest level to be able to offer something to the coverage of it then you especially don’t need a Y chromosome. Get the chicks involved. Makes no sense to exclude half the population when women watch cricket too (haven’t you heard?). TMS and Guerrilla Cricket are ahead of the curve on that matter, though Sky have dabbled in inclusive commentary selection recently, as we’ll soon get to.
Okay, honorary mentions go to Grant Nisbett who brought an air of Classic Broadcaster to the role but seems to have gone back to rugby full time now (it’s not like they keep stats on this, but I can’t remember hearing him lately). Same goes with Sky giving their time to the Super Duper Fast Food Sponsor Smash, they ran out of ex-cricketers to call upon and we got cameos from the likes of Ricki Swannell and Tim Roxborogh, neither of them were entirely comfortable in the booth but neither were terrible either. Swanell’s gonna get to call a Super Rugby game soon, the first female commentator to do so in NZ which makes you wonder how in the hell Justin Marshall can be so ever-present when Melodie Robinson has apparently never called a game. Further honoraries to Nathan McCullum, Andre Adams and Mark Greatbatch, who have been known to don the headphones and grab a microphone now and then. Righto, here we go.
NR. Danny Morrison
I mean, we can’t talk about kiwi cricket commentators without mentioning the most famous one of all. Wacky Danny was always too crazy for our tiny televisions, just as Elvis Presley was too good to be singing in garage bands. Nah, he was destined for the big time from the day he first realised that he could describe cricketing acts in an accent usually reserved for drunk uncles on Christmas Day. So shout out to Danny Morrison for finding his audience… the IPL. The perfect combination of utter hype for the sake of hype. Like a (very loud) fish to water. Wowee!
10. Kyle Mills
Doesn’t Kyle just seem like a nice chap? When he first started calling games the worry was that he was too nice to get a point across but that proved unfounded. Millsy has actually turned out to be a pretty sharp fella in the commentary box, capable of offering a measured response to what he sees without feeling like he needs to hog the attention. Exactly what you need. He’ll probably rise up the ranks later on if/when he puts more focus into his playcalling – right now he’s got way too much coaching and ambassadorial stuff to distract himself with. Keep getting them cheques, though.
9. Ken Rutherford
One of your dad’s favourite players from back in the day, Kenny’s also briefly had to deal with what’s known in the business as ‘Fred de Jong Syndrome’ where he found himself commentating on games featuring his own son and having to awkwardly refer to him by his last name… a last name which he gave to him. Rutherford has one of those voices which makes him sound like a listed National Party MP – “Noo Zillund” – which can make it tough to bother with what he has to say. Not the most exciting but he does have a certain subtle humour and, as you’d expect, his patter with Ian Smith brings out the best in him. As a bonus he kinda looks like Danny DeVito’s Penguin from Batman Returns and that’s a hilarious coincidence because I’ve always though Danny DeVito needs to play Lord Bryan Waddle in the biopic of his remarkable life.
8. Maia Lewis
It was a pleasant surprise to hear Lewis and her fellow woman Debbie Hockley chatting over the series against the West Indies at the start of the summer with the rest of the Sky Sports crew (Lesley Murdoch also got a go when Pakistan were in town). We’re not really used to hearing women being allowed to talk about sports on the telly without having to play the belittled host to a couple dumbass men (also known as ‘the morning radio formula’). More on-air representation is obviously part a wider manifesto for Sky, which has its share of PR problems and could use the goodwill, but Maia Lewis knows her stuff. Plus she’s not only a female voice in the box but also a Maori voice too. It’ll be interesting to hear if she sticks around long term in the broadcaster’s plans because it takes a while, often a couple years, to really get the hang of the commentary game and it’s too early to really judge Lewis on her efforts. Number eight seems fair.
7. Chris Harris
Hey shout out to Harry who is wasting his inimitable talents in silly ads on the telly when he could be spinning yarns with the best of them if only the coach would give him a run. His commentary career’s been a little like his Test career in that way. He was always such a fun dude to watch as a player, one of those whose personality always shone through, and he’d have been high on the list of predicted future commentators back then. Perhaps, like a few others, he’s just got other things to do rather than follow the team around for three months trying to explain what Colin Munro’s front foot is doing or why Tim Southee doesn’t bowl yorkers at the death anymore. Also on the list of ex-players who would make amazing full-time commentators: Stephen Fleming, Brendon McCullum, Shane Bond, Grant Elliott and Jacob Oram. All with bigger fish to fry, apparently.
6. Debbie Hockley
The other lady with a voice on the list and, funnily enough, the current President of NZ Cricket, not to mention a legend of a player. Fairly decent resume, there. Her commentary career began with a rather embarrassing gaffe involving a person who wasn’t Serena Williams but she’s otherwise been an inoffensive addition to the squad, holding onto the gig even after a couple Englishmen came into the rotation for the current series – hence sixth on the power ranks. Probably a bit bland right now and has a tendency to say silly/inane things that lead to an awkward pause as the other caller tries to figure out how to respond without being a dick. New commentators can be like that (although it could equally be a Cantabrian thing) and there’s an argument that Hockley’s been promoted too quickly to combat Sky Sports’ image problem. It’s also gotta be weird for her tackling that boy’s club attitude which is often people’s idea of what sports commentary is (unfortunately) and you wonder if her NZC position is a bit of a conflict. Eh, it takes time to find one’s voice, particularly next to Mark Richardson. Gotta stay patient here.
5. Mark Richardson
Speaking of Marky Mark, there are those that would rate him much higher and a few who’d rather not have to rate him at all, thank you very much. His partnership with Andrew Mulligan on Crowd Goes Wild was always quality, they just had this thing that worked and that launched him into mainstream telly on a couple other shows. Safe to say he’s now been elevated beyond his best interests with his morning show gig.
All the while he’s been a commentator on Blackcaps games. Thing is, his TV persona has been a little muppetty from the start and as good as that was on CGW, it hasn’t always worked in the commentary box. These days he seems to be having trouble separating the two. He likes a joke and a moan and has the tendency to get caught up in what’s often called: banter. Ugh, yuck, sorry to have to use language like that. Also one to raise his voice beyond what’s necessary. I dunno, he’s better than Craig McMillan used to be but I just don’t think commentary reflects his best attributes. And neither, while we’re at it, does being the conservative flapper on breakfast television. God but those early CGW days were fantastic.
4. Craig Cumming
Craig Cumming did his time in Otago sports radio before joining the Sky team, learning how to broadcast, and you get that here in the shape of a solid, dependable professional. Those who value entertainment above analysis would probably drop him down a couple rungs, he’s not the most dramatic commentator out there. Downright boring at times, even. But don’t mistake his dependable nature, just like his batting, for inability or cluelessness. Cumming’s gotten steadily better at this gig and offers a dry sidekick’s wit that fits well next to Ian Smith and Simon Doull, plus he’s almost evolved into the best of the post-match interviewers, leading to his former prominence in the legendary Dilmah Tea Party (Laura McGoldrick’s better, though). Minus points for giving him a segment a couple years ago called ‘Cumming Your Way’ (the biggest of several major blunders there was the graphic using a white ball despite an image of Craig batting in whites).
But then who could forget his classic gag with the phone calculator/light meter last season!
3. Scott Styris
Old mate Scotty. He’s got a telly presenter for a wife and a good sense of humour so the resources were all there. Styris was a batsman who punched above his weight and those types tend to make great analysts because they’re more aware of technique and approach, rather than the natural talents who did it all by instinct and can’t explain how (look at all sports and see how many great coaches and managers were battlers as players). But even still Styris’ commentary has been a lovely revelation. The dude is comfortable with the mic and knows how to express his ideas in the live format, which is easier said than done (no pun). Plus he’s got a gentle camaraderie with the likes of Richardson and Smith while still being a recent enough player to have a similar line on many of the players (especially those Northern Districts buggers who make up half the Blackcaps these days). Not a lot of specific examples here because he’s just a good, reliable, informative commentator. Only real criticism is that he’s another one who’s been suckered in by the demon of Golf, but oh well.
2. Ian Smith
Yes, old Stockley. Coming in second. The senior man in the commentary box and the voice behind so many memorable moments in NZ cricket history – most recently the six that Grant Elliott hit to propel the Blackcaps into the World Cup final. Smithy’s been a beloved character for ages now but stick with me now because the bloke went through a dip there for a while. Favourite memories of Smithy trend towards when he was the sole kiwi rep on tours of Aussie, calling out the Channel Nine plonkers on their bias and generally being a feisty bugger. He’s a bit like the reverse Ravi Ashwin in that way (or, you know, Tom Latham) because he’s at his best when he’s toiling away outside his home country, back against the wall and all that.
I’m gonna suggest that this was a generational thing and that it took Smithy a few years to get the hang of calling games next to Mark Richardson and Simon Doull, who are definitely aware of the ‘entertainment’ side of telly broadcasting and not just the informational angle (although Martin Crowe always pumped up the volume, RIP). A few too many sideline gigs at rugby games never helped anyone either. But Smithy’s got no dramas these days. He’s ceded the number one duties and is back where he belongs as the fun uncle of the group, plus they always give him the late-game duties when things are close, where he remains the best in the local business. His on-air interactions with David ‘Bumble’ Lloyd this tour have been delightful.
1. Simon Doull
Bloody Doully, coming out on top. Preface this by saying he’s not necessarily the bloke who you’d most wanna share a beer with from the team but he’s the most accomplished commentator. Credit where it’s due. Doull is the most knowledgeable of the lot of them. He’s an incisive analyst who isn’t afraid to get critical about the home side or keep things real when he needs to and he’s capable of offering far more than just a passing knowledge of visiting teams and their situations as well. Often a tad belligerent when he gets ranting about something – too much morning radio experience can ruin a person – and there’s always something to rant about (no-balls, selections, T20s, fielding, etc.)… but somebody’s got to be the hardarse of the group. With his vast experience commentating beyond the Sky Sports team he’s able to offer a broader perspective to things, understanding the modern landscape of cricket better than anyone else, plus he’s simply good at getting a point across when he needs to.
Definitely not without his vocal tics, of course. One that you’ll often notice is how he repeats himself for effect: “That’s a great shot, it really is a great shot”. Like a lot of opinionated people he’s not immune to exaggeration either when it comes to hammering home an idea. And, let’s be honest, his extra-curricular commentary gigs have given Senor Doull more than a little of that corporate IPL stench… and seriously what is the absolute obsession with retired cricketers and golf?
But yeah, get him on the microphone and he’s top notch. Simon Doull speaks well and he reads the game even better, combining both to grasp first place on the Blackcaps Telly Commentator Power Rankings. Fair play. Congrats. Good on ya.
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