The Mystery Doctor and the Wildcard talk to each other every once in a while...

Talofa Mr Wildcard! We do Ask The Doc in audio form (find on iTunes, and sometimes on Youtube when our computer devices are strong enough to actually upload it), but I'm going to flip the script a wee bit. It's all about me at the Niche Cache, so I thought you should get some limelight - what the fuck has happened to RG3? And I'd also like to request a bit of information on the Champions League. From a purely uneducated viewpoint, it seems a wee bit more competitive this season? Holla at ya boy

Don't get me started on computer devices, Doc. I've been having some extremely vivid daydreams in which I hurl my laptop in to the wall and proceed to take a baseball bat to it. But even if I did, it'd probably still be in a healthier state than Mr Robert Griffin III. Injuries, man, that's what's happened to him. Too many hits to those peg legs of his have meant too many games missed and now that he's back he's a shadow of himself. It's not just the physical toll, it's arguably more than anything the mental toll. He's nervous and lacking in confidence, hence the trash performances and the getting dropped. It's ok, he's still plenty good enough for a mutually beneficial trade with someone. The R**skins are cursed anyway. You know those horror films where a haunted house is built on an ancient Native American burial ground? Well, just look at what their team is called. As for the Champions League, there's plenty of parity isn't there? But at the end of the comp, I'd be shocked if Real Madrid, Barcelona, Bayern Munich and Chelsea aren't there or thereabouts. That quadrant just seems a class above all else. Having said that, we've already seen Manchester City come back from the dead though, and your Gunners seem to turn it up to 11 on European nights (ever since that 3-3 with Anderlecht anyway). Still, despite that, I'm most looking forward to Liverpool having to play in the Europa League! Nobody wants to play in the Europa League, but winning it's probably Pools best chance of getting back in the Champs League anytime soon. Raheem Sterling just rejected a new contract, things are pretty precarious in Scouseville...

So you're telling me that the team that goes by a pretty racist name has been cursed by the glorious powers of those who are scorned? I get depressed whenever I think of native American Indians, the USA would be a much different/better place if they were still thriving. And the NFL team from Washington still haven't changed their name to rid themselves of the curse huh, silly. Who would you rather have right now - RG3 or Colin Kap? I hear the Kap's going pretty average as well? The CL is only going to get better now that the mediocre teams have been weeded out. Bayern vs Barca would be fantastic, the battle of the stacked teams ... Real Madrid are stacked but don't have Suarez, Messi and Neymar - that's intense. So you're suggesting that Sterling might be keen to gap the scene???

Weeeell, it sounds like a money thing with Bubba Sterling, but that might be a smokescreen. Real Madrid have been interested in the past... also I wouldn't count those guys out at all - I think they're Champions League favourites in fact! Defending champs, with Ronaldo scoring for fun, plus Gazza Bale having a great season too. And they've won about a billion games in a row. As for the NFL thing, I'd take Colin Kaepernick without hesitation. A better passer, better stats, more past success. The San Francisco 49ers thing goes way beyond him. Sure, Kap's struggling, but their coach doesn't wanna be there, half of their defence has been suspended at some stage this season and they aren't getting enough from running back Frank Gore either. Yet they're still gonna end up with at least an even record - it's just that Arizona and Seattle are both in their division, so the margin for error is basically nil. Can I swing things down under? I have an issue that I'm confused about. Watching all the beautiful tributes to Phil Hughes this test match (Oz vs India), the 408 on the pitch, the Warner/Smith/Clarke 100s, etc., we've also had to put up with a whole lot of debate over the bouncer in cricket. Obviously it has to stay, but watching Mitchell Johnson bowling fast, short and incredibly aggressively... he's doing what he always does, sure, but is this not a little insensitive? He decked Virat Kohli with a bouncer straight to the helmet first ball the Indian captain faced. He checked on him afterwards, and Kohli was fine. In fact he went on to ton up himself. This is why I'm torn. Mitchell Johnson has to keep bowling like he's always done, but in light of other factors, I'm struggling not to unleash a few sledges of my own at him. Where should I stand on this? Like I say, I'm confused.

It would be nice to see Sterling either stick it out with Liverpool or take whatever offer is less than what Real Madrid and Barcelona will offer him. Otherwise the Gunners better make a bid! Yeah, Real Madrid are pretty much the same, bloody forget about ol' Gazza. There's a few coaches around the NFL that are having a shit time aren't there? What's former San Fran QB Alex Smith up to with Kansas? Interesting Wildcard, it was slightly creepy when Kohli got hit - the Aussies definitely haven't forgotten. I reckon Johnson's just got a bad rap? Do you dislike what he did or do you dislike him ... and then what he did?

Yeah, I dislike him and then what he did. That's me possibly being unfair to him. But while guys like Brad Haddin are free to offer a hand when a guy goes down like that because to them it was just an accident. To Johnson, he's deliberately trying to intimidate the guy by threatening his health. This ball isn't comparable to the Hughes one since that was a once in a generation tragedy. The strategy of fast, short pitched bowling is a key part of the game and should stay that way I just didn't feel comfortable seeing it used in this particular test so much especially given the talk of whether they'd bowl any bouncers at all leading in to the test (not talk coming from the team, granted). Perhaps it would have been easier to take if it wasn't accompanied by a pack of commentating cheerleaders trying to laud the bloke as a bloody national hero for what he was doing. As for Alex Smith? He's doing the same, perfectly acceptable, no risk game managing stuff he always did... And it's not gonna get the Chiefs into the playoffs. San Fran dumped him because Kaepernick was more capable of game winning plays. His ceiling was higher - it was a calculated gamble. Except that Smith hasn't thrown a TD to a wide receiver all season and Kap hasn't thrown a fourth quarter TD all season. So, me I'll still with Tony Romo, thank you very much.

Yeah fair play, I'm all in with the Aussie players here and let's be honest the Indians bowled first and bowled a fair amount of bouncers. I don't know, I think no one really knows how to deal with the situation so the easiest thing to do is go back to normal. It's not like the batsmen can't do anything though, you've got options on how to handle it so it's a complex situation. I like Mitchell Johnson though, he's the best. Look at you on your high horse, suckling the nipples of Tony Romo. Should we start to suckle the collective nipples of the Breakers?

I think Johnson's a prick but you raise a really good point: this is an unprecedented situation to deal with. It's not like there's a wrong strategy. Bowling to intimidate's always been a tactless option but that doesn't make it a wrong one. Anyway, feel free to suckle on Uncle Kenny Ibekwe's nipples but you might need a step ladder. The Breakers are poised for a title challenge, that's all there is to it. The fearsome home court advantage is back, the team has been winning in different ways and they've been winning in Aussie too. People need to get the hell on that bandwagon and pack out those games - this team deserves it. You just reminded me of something else, actually. Have you seen the video of Kobe Bryant slamming his Lakers teammates for being soft and useless at a training session?

Johnson is the only bowler who can bowl as fast as he does and do what he does with the ball, so I love him. Ah, I'll just settle with the collective Breakers nipple instead of Mr Ibekwe's nipple. Aucklanders are the worst sporting fans in existence, but they'll jump on the wagon when things start to get important. Yeah, and it's awesome! Shit, he's got to do his best to rally his troops and I'm sure that sort of stuff happens often on many practice courts. His team mates should feel honoured.

I'm not sure if being yelled at by Kobe should be a badge of honour or if it'd be like getting told off by the teacher. Probably the former, it takes more than that to wipe the smile of Swaggy P's face. And it's not like Kobe's not right about it either. He deserves better.
The worst in existence? Harsh. I think NZ fans nationwide are pretty bad unless it's rugby. Love the All Blacks, love the legacy, but they've ruined our sports fans. People don't even care until it matters and even then we complain. Lighten up New Zealand! We're in a good place!

Chief, I'd pay for Kobe to yell at me for putting up a shit jumper ... and being told off by a teacher was a badge of honour. Yeah for sure, we live in a beautiful nation but we're perhaps the most boring sports fans in the world! I'm keen to change that, but it's gonna take a fair amount of time and effort. Maybe we should all pop a few peptides, get a bit of a buzz and go nuts watching the Black Caps?

I need the peptides just to stay awake at those hours so I'd be glad to. The fan revolution has to start somewhere. Viva la revolution!

Viva la peptiddle! Kia kaha, talofa lave, namaste and aloha to you Sir Wildcard. May we meet again some time

My thoughts exactly. May the force be with you, Doc.