LeSean McCoy *(Rich Schultz/Getty Images)*

Last Week: 7-9

Carolina Panthers (11-4) at Atlanta Falcons (4-11)

And so we arrive at week 17. The final week of the regular season and the final game of the year for most of these 32 teams. I don’t know what I’ll do without the NFL all Monday each Monday. Sure, there have been hard times, particularly every second or third week when the Cowboys put up a stinker, but y’know there’s something that keeps drawing me back each time. Maybe it’s the love of the sport, maybe just blind faith, or perhaps it’s some sick sadomasochistic fantasy. Most likely a combination of the lot. Obviously we’ll be covering the NFL playoffs at TNC, but it’s the regular season that the stats all count for, where everyone starts on equal pegging. This is the last week before the stakes are irrevocably raised. Before things get real. We’ve long since left Hobbiton, met up with many a friend and foe, we’ve dodged Dark Riders, spun some yarns with Tom Bombadil and safely transported the ring to Rivendell. Now for the hard part.

Forget about the Falcons, they suck. This game is Cam Newton’s final bow before his first trip to the playoffs. His best season in the NFL has reaped some pretty rewards. Not quite a vest of mithril but, hey, there is a ring on offer. This win will give them a first round bye. They’ve beaten most of the top teams they’ve matched up with so far, but this is a young roster and a franchise without a playoff win since shutting out the Giants in the first round in 2005. Hmm.

Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 9

Baltimore Ravens (8-7) at Cincinnati Bengals (10-5)

Sorry Ravens fans. You had your glory last year, it’s someone else’s turn now. Cincinnati are in it for the long haul. Andy Dalton trails only Peyton & Brees in TD passes this year. Not sure why people think a guy putting up these stats can’t make a playoff run:

	Tm	Age	G	QBrec	Cmp	Att	Cmp%	Yds	TD ▾	TD%	Int	Int%	Lng	Y/A	AY/A	Y/C	Y/G	Rate	QBR	Sk
Andy Dalton	CIN	26	15	10-5-0	342	550	62.2	4015	31	5.6	16	2.9	82	7.3	7.1	11.7	267.7	91.0	55.79	29

Provided by Pro-Football-Reference.com: View Original Table
Generated 12/29/2013.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bengals by 6

Houston Texans (2-13) at Tennessee Titans (6-9)

The thing about the final week of the season is that for every drool-inducing playoff playoff, there are three games like this that mean absolutely nothing and are damn near impossible to pick. You just don’t know how motivated they’ll be. Based on the last 16 weeks though Houston don’t seem capable of anything close to a winning performance anymore. The sooner that clock runs out in Tennessee, the sooner they can focus on the draft and restoring what still looks like a decent team in places to the playoff candidates they have been. Best case scenario, imagine the number 1 QB in the draft paired with a fit Arian Foster, Andre Johnson and JJ Watt. Tennessee will be better next year too if Jake Locker can stay fit.

Wildcard’s Pick: Titans by 10

New York Jets (7-8) at Miami Dolphins (8-7)

You idiots. Yeah, I’m talking to you Miami. I stuck with you through all those close losses and streaky wins, and then you go and lose to Buffalo like that? How in the name of Dan Marino’s right arm do you get shutout by Buffalo with a playoff spot basically on the line!? I’m sorry, but there’s no redeeming yourselves in this column after that. Until the slates wiped clean next season of course. Actually, their playoff chances weren’t damaged that much by the loss, they just need a little help now is all. A win here and a Baltimore loss to Cincinnati will do it. And if that plays out then they’ll probably book a trip to play the team that would have got them there, the Bengals, in the first round. The Jets sound like they’ll keep Rex Ryan as coach next year, which I think is a good call. Remember preseason when they were meant to be the worst team in the league? Perspective is too easily altered.

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 6

Jacksonville Jaguars (4-11) at Indianapolis Colts (10-5)

Are the Colts back? Have they found form just in time for the playoffs? We already know that they’ll be playing Kansas City in the first round in two weeks. This game will have zero effect on that outcome.

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts ride their Luck with a 12 point win

Detroit Lions (7-8) at Minnesota Vikings (4-10-1)

Checklist for Detroit Lions in the 2013 Offseason:

Fire Jim Schwartz
Teach Matt Stafford how to play like a mature quarterback
Preserve Megatron in a cryogenic chamber somewhere until the preseason
Add a couple defenders capable of making big plays when it actually matters

As for the Minnesota Vikings? It’d be quicker to type out War and Peace in Russian than plot the flaws in that team. Except that Adrian Peterson needs the cryogenic chamber directly next to Calvin Johnson.

Wildcard’s Pick: Lions save their last shreds of dignity. Detroit by 4

Washington Professional Football Team (3-12) at New York Giants (6-9)

It’s still pretty unbelievable that these two teams have ended up how they have. The Giants could still legitimately threaten at least 3 playoff teams on the day yet could never control the ball and it cost them, while the R**skins, umm… they just fell to pieces. A horribly unfit and out of form RGIII, a coach who doesn’t seem to wanna be there and a bunch of role players who reverted heavily back to the mean. A penny for the thoughts of owner Dan Snyder. Actually, no. He doesn’t need my money. And if I wanted to get into the head of a rich, racist media mogul, I’d dig up Walt Disney’s grave.

Wildcard’s Pick: Giants by 6

Cleveland Browns (4-11) at Pittsburgh Steelers (7-8)

It may surprise you just how good Big Ben has been this year. Despite revolving door offensive line that protects him, he’s been tough and clever, rallying despite difficult conditions and a weakened team to put up some numbers rivalling some of the best of his career. Sadly, he can’t do it all himself. Well, not so sadly really, since he’s a Steeler scumbag. But credit where it’s due. Let nobody say that the Wildcard lets his Blue Star Vision blur his writer’s integrity. I mean, I definitely do, just don’t let anyone say it.

Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 10

Green Bay Packers (7-7-1) at Chicago Bears (8-7)

No bells or whistles here. It’s win or go home. Aaron Rodgers is playing and as far as I’m concerned, that swings this game in the complete other direction. Few woulda guessed it a month ago, but it looks like the Packers could be off to the playoffs after all. Chicago has an uncharacteristically shocking defence, yet they’ve been able to get this far thanks to the Lions’ choking and some great offensive play from Josh McCown. His ability to cut down on the turnovers (13 TDs & 1 INTs in 224 attempts) that had Jay Cutler struggling earlier in the year was crucial in their midseason run. Except that it’s Cutler (17 TDs & 11 INTs in 331 attempts) who’ll start here. I reiterate: Green Bay’ll blow the boys from the windy city away.

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 4

Denver Broncos (12-3) at Oakland Raiders (4-11)

Watch for Peyton Manning breaking some more records in this game. If you know any Raiders fans, be a mate and keep them away from sharp objects and remind them that it’ll all be over soon. Then they’ll have until September for the cuts and scratches to heal before they do it all over again. Ah, I love this game. You always start out so optimistically only for that to all be crushed over 17 weeks of pain, heartbreak and just enough false hope to keep you coming back for more. But in the end it’s like the final scene of Lebowski where you just shrug it off and take your emotional baggage bowling.

Well, now when you're sitting there, in your silk upholstered chair…

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 20

Buffalo Bills (6-9) at New England Patriots (11-4)

So many injuries for New England, yet they keep on trucking. Maybe they’re just up on amphetamines like every other trucker, but every week I feel like I need to make a point of just how competitive Belichick/Brady are. That kinda drive, talent and experience and you won’t go wrong too often. A win and the Pats have a first round bye. A win and a Denver loss (not likely) and they have the top seed. Either way, this won’t be the last time you hear from this Patriots team this season.

Wildcard’s Pick: Pats by 17

San Francisco 49ers (11-4) at Arizona Cardinals (10-5)

Here’s the scenario for the Cardinals. To make the playoffs, they need to win here, obviously. Then they need Tampa Bay to beat New Orleans in the Big Easy. The latter won’t happen, so this is a tussle for seeds most likely. I’ll have a playoff preview up before each round, but I’m gonna go out on a limb with a big call right here: I think San Francisco lose their first playoff game. When that game is exactly depends on whether Seattle and Carolina lose, but for the sake of argument, I’ll say they don’t. This means SF playing the Eagles by my reckonings. Or maybe the Packers. Two dynamic offences and San Francisco just don’t move the ball so well these days, what with Colin Kaepernick not having the impact as a runner that he did last year.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals keep it interesting on their end with a 4 point win

Tampa Bay Buccaneers (4-11) at New Orleans Saints (10-5)

I still believe in the Saints. Rob Ryan’s kamikaze defence isn’t well suited to one-off games, but Drew Brees is still Drew Brees. The Saints are marching on people. You heard it here first. Unless you’ve been dusting off those old Louis Armstrong 78s, in which case he may have already filled you in on that slice of info.

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 13

Kansas City Chiefs (11-4) at San Diego Chargers (8-7)

Kansas City is playing for fun, with their postseason scenario already set. San Diego needs the win to have a chance. I really would like to see Phil Rivers in the playoffs, he’s been a top 5 QB this year and he surely deserves it, but too often this team has been unable to close. Losing twice in overtime to terrible teams, losing by a TD or less to Miami and Cincinnati, and generally being unable to run the ball in the redzone (just 9 rushing TDs all season). They did already beat KC once, but a Baltimore or Miami win and this game is as meaningless as a car salesman’s guarantee.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chargers by 3

St Louis Rams (7-8) at Seattle Seahawks (12-3)

The goddamn Rams have been the most ridiculous team to pick. They may have ruined the Saints’ season the other week, and they beat the Colts too, yet looked toothless against Dallas early one, and the Cardinals shredded them the week before that New Orleans win. Sometimes they look like a playoff team that tanked it, others like a rabble of misfits from some c-grade sports movie that pulls it all together. Maybe next year they’ll find an identity. Seattle know their game back to front, but will it translate into a playoff run? First step it to get that top seed with a W here.

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 7

Philadelphia Eagles (9-6) at Dallas Cowboys (8-7)

It’s been a rollercoaster of emotions this week. First Dallas’ last ditch win over Washington last week, led by one of Tony Romo’s greatest ever game winning drives (and contrary to popular opinion, there’ve been a few), then the news that the injury he overcame to make that late score was potentially season ending. This was followed by the faint hope that he’d be fine, after all he beat San Francisco once with a punctured lung and two cracked ribs. Then the dagger blow: Romo’s season ending surgery. This was so devastating, if not unexpected, that it was easy to miss the news that defensive champions Sean Lee was out too.

Put simply, I can’t find any reason why the Dallas Cowboys can win this game. Philly are far and away the better team. The consolation is that for once it won’t feel like a horrible choke when Dallas once again loses the final game of the year to miss the playoffs. Plus the twitter trolls can’t unfairly blame Romo this time either. It’ll take a defensive performance beyond anything that Dallas has shown so far to stop Nick Foles and LeSean McCoy (although their best effort so far was week 7 vs Philly), plus DeMarco Murray will need to have the game of his life. And for the love of God, please, no interceptions from Kyle Orton! (I’ve seen more week 17 interceptions from this team than I can handle already). But as I say, I just don’t see it all happening. And so to conclude the 2013 regular season previews, I have prepared a few words for another year in which the Cowboys will miss the playoffs. Well, actually I didn’t prepare them. I just copy and pasted a link. Sometimes a 4:13 music video says it better than I ever could: