Last Week: 10-4-1

New York Jets (1-5) at New England Patriots (4-2)

Let’s get this one over with quickly and move on. The Jets have had some big upsets over the Pats in the past, this won’t be one.

So here's Gronk being a wise-ass instead:

Post by The Niche Cache.

Wildcard’s Pick: Patriots by 14

Minnesota Vikings (2-4) at Buffalo Bills (3-3)

So, since last time, it’s been revealed that Katy Perry will be the half time show at Superbowl XVIMILLION or whatever they’re up to next. Because apparently they think the average Superbowl viewer is a 12 year old girl? Or is it an attempt by the NFL to show they don’t hate women after all? I guess a large portion of Red-Blooded America will be happy enough to put the telly on mute and stare at her tits for 15 minutes. She’ll be better than Coldplay at least. Jeezus, imagine that! It couldn’t get gloomier if the ghost of Elliott Smith got the gig.

Personally I’m bloody sick of seeing popstars playing the half time show. Pop music is bland and generic and it’s targeted at teenagers and kids that don’t know any better. Take risks! Be edgy! Get Jack White or Kendrick Lamar or someone like that. An artist with a big if not enormous fanbase and a Peyton Manning-worthy stat line of artistic credibility. Bruno Mars was pretty good last year, the only problem was his songs suck. His Little Richard impersonations and drum soloing were cool enough.

As for the game in question, Teddy Bridgewater may have a little trouble against the third best rush defence in the NFL. The Bills seep a few more to the pass but there ain’t many rookie QBs can dominate that aspect so soon.

Wildcard’s Pick: Bills by 4

Atlanta Falcons (2-4) at Baltimore Ravens (4-2)

Last year I made ‘Luck’ puns in every Colts prediction, but I’ve since outgrown such trivialities. No, this time I’ve instead decided that Baltimore gets ‘The Wire’ references each week. On account of it being the TV version of the 1972 Dolphins and all.

Right. So the Falcons with 2 wins, teetering on the brink with a secondary seemingly allergic to the ball. Yet they’re a game and a half back in their division, so as things stand a win could get them back on track. To make that happen, they’re gonna have to head into the heart of Baltimore and take care of the Ravens. Matty Ice is cool and calm. He does everything you could ask of him. Think, Brother Mouzone. Heading into Joe Flacco’s territory to put him down. Omar Little. Except that Flacco’s been tipped off that Matt Ryan’s lads been putting illegal hits out on his boys. Now, that ain’t true, it was actually Stringer Brees’ boys. Which puts him at odds with Cam ‘Avon’ Newton but that’s a tale for another season. This one’s gonna be decided on the park and Flacco’s been tipped off.

Wildcard’s Pick: Ravens by 7

Cleveland Browns (3-2) at Jacksonville Jaguars (0-6)

The Browns are a gambler’s dream. Every week they’re underestimated by the general public because of the whole ‘decades of mediocrity’ thing. They’re actually pretty decent. And while Brian Hoyer isn’t exactly the guy you wanna throw millions at as your franchise fella, you can’t argue with his record. 6 wins in 8 starts in his Cleveland career. As far as mid-level, just-keep-it-close QBs go, he’s not bad.

Plus his middle name is ‘Axel’.

The Jags look better last week and arguably should/could have won against the Titans. A blocked field goal to win… but that’s what happens when your team has the habit of losing so deeply ingrained in them. Also, the Jags haven’t scored more than 17 points in a game this season.

Wildcard’s Pick: Browns by 10

Carolina Panthers (3-2-1) at Green Bay Packers (4-2)

Aaron Rodgers, ladies and gents. You wanna bet against him?

Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 6

Cincinnati Bengals (3-1-1) at Indianapolis Colts (4-2)

A tie. A GODDAMN tie. Cost me a correct prediction, Cincinnati. Pacman Jones chose to blame the kicker for shanking the crucial kick but let’s be honest, there’s only one reason a kick like that finds its way wide…

This’ll be an early morning blockbuster. Two sides likely to still be hanging in there come playoff time, with a lot to prove. Indy are gonna probably coast through the season with a terrible division at their mercy, while Cincy have a better rounded side though a little less Big Play Capability. Not much in the way of playoff implications, though the Bengals will be keen to arrest a little slump. Indy are on a 4 game win streak after dropping their first two to Denver and Philly. Not convinced the Bengals will keep up with them.

Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 7

Miami Dolphins (2-3) at Chicago Bears (3-3)

Who knows where this’ll stand in the rhyme and reason stakes, but I sniff an upset. Maybe this is a wasted pick, or maybe I’m on to something…

Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 4

New Orleans Saints (2-3) at Detroit Lions (4-2)

L’Saints without Graham

Detroit without ‘Tron

One fresh off a bye

The other just won

Drew Brees’ll be throwing

Caution to his namesake

Against a defence

That’s real tough break

Maybe the Lions can

Start making field goals

Or maybe they fall

Into all those same deep holes

I guess what I’m saying

Before you tune out

Is that each team is flawed

And I don’t know who to tout

But if forced to at gunpoint

Make a desperate decision

I’d take the Saints in an upset

And risk the derision

Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 6

Seattle Seahawks (3-2) at St Louis Rams (1-4)

For a quarter and a bit against the 49ers, the Rams looked great. For three and three quarter quarters against the Cowboys, the Seahawks looked like they’d win a game they’d actually played pretty badly in.

The schedule has not been kind to the St Louis Rams in 2014. After being the only team with the unfortunate luck of having to play against Adrian Peterson this season, they took the next game against the Buccs. Since then it’s a stretch of teams that either made the playoffs last season or will this season (including 3 of the 4 conference championship game sides) that doesn’t end until the Raiders come to town in week 13. That’s brutal for any team, let alone one forced to start an undrafted rookie QB from a squad already the youngest on average in the NFL. Use the draft pick well, lads. It’s the NFL’s equivalent of the doctor giving a kid a free lollipop after forcing them through the trauma of the public health system.

As for the Seahawks, OH DEAR GOD, THEY’VE ALREADY LOST TWICE AND ARE SITTING IN THIRD IN THEIR DIVISION!!!

Except that the Chargers and Cowboys are both superb teams this season (so far…) and the ‘Hawks have had a bye already too. Settle down with those hot takes, people. Put ‘em on the windowsill and let ‘em cool off first.

They’ll be much better once Jarryd Hayne signs anyway…

Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 17

Tennessee Titans (2-4) at Washington Pro Football Team (1-5)

Charlie Whitehurst is one of my new favourite players. He’s not especially… um, good. But damn is he cool. This man needs an alt-country band right away. Charlie Whitehurst and the Ol’ 97s or something. Man looks like that, I guarantee he can strum a guitar.

Nashville Charlie probably won’t be starting this game. Expect Jake Locker to return, and to play pretty well as he tends to do after missing a game. The Titans actually rank pretty decent in pass defence, although they have given up the third most passing first downs, which is handy against Kirk Cousins, a guy who’ll throw the ball far and often. Only Andrew Luck and Drew Brees average more passing yards per game, though Cousins tops the league in interceptions (8). If they can’t turn the ball over, it’s hard to see the Titans, ranked in the bottom 6 in offensive points scored, keeping up with the WPFT.

Wildcard’s Pick: WPFT by 10

Kansas City Chiefs (2-3) at San Diego Chargers (5-1)

The Case For Phil Rivers This Season:

1st for Passer Rating – 117.6
1st in Completion Percentage – 69.3%
1st in Yards/Attempt - 8.8
2nd in Passing TDs - 15
3rd in Passing Yards – 1756
28th in Interceptions Thrown – 2

Add to that a top 8 defence in points allowed (and 5 of the 7 teams above them have played a game fewer) and find me a reason to think this team isn’t a playoff threat. (Barely beating Oakland doesn’t count – the Raiders were feeding off the New Coach Boost and they got the win regardless, and this is a results based sport)

Wildcard’s Pick: Chargers by 6

New York Giants (3-3) at Dallas Cowboys (5-1)

I and all other Cowboys fans these days.

It’s a constant state of giddiness. Like a pleasant dream of Cowboy wins and smooth jazz and bottomless beers and basically I’m talking ‘bout Happy Gilmore’s Happy Place… but with these dark clouds on the horizon. There’ve been too many horrible moments that I’m just waiting for that terrible moment where an omnipotent voice starts growling above the bliss: “Romo throws the interception, Cowboys lose. COWBOYS LOSE!” Then I wake up to that exact declaration on ESPN as it happens and the bubble bursts.

But c’mon, we’ve got to beat these Giants. Oh God, please beat the Giants.

Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by a belligerent 14 points

Arizona Cardinals (4-1) at Oakland Raiders (0-5)

…

Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 4

San Francisco 49ers (4-2) at Denver Broncos (4-1)

Ooh, primetime alert. Three touchdowns will see Peyton Manning become the single greatest TD hurler of all time. He has 506, Brett Favre has 508. This begins a three match stretch for the Broncos where they host the Niners (clearly) & Chargers, then head off to the New England. They come out of that with a couple wins and there’s a hot shot that Peyton Manning gets his third consecutive 13 win season with Denver. I’ve been up and down on the 49ers a few times this season and still haven’t settled.

Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 7

Houston Texans (3-3) at Pittsburgh Steelers (3-3)

I doubt 9 wins is gonna get either of these teams into the playoffs. So a game like this is pretty massive, even at this stage. Houston’s lost a couple games that were there for the winning late on recently. Time to set that straight. Aside from a superb win in Carolina, the Steelers haven’t shown much to think they can run the better teams for their cash and Arian Foster is secretly back to his absolute best. He’ll have a big one.

Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 4

BYE WEEK: Philadelphia Eagles (5-1), Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-5)

The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. Each Wednesday night at closing time he scoops up his hat and coat in a blurred motion and stumbles off his barstool and out into the darkened streets, where he staggers his way home amongst the drunks and the whores and the pimps and the cops, drops his keys as he leans against the door before eventually passing out on the doorstep. A neighbour usually lets him in come dawn and he flops inside to churn out another NFL preview in a drunken haze.