The Wildcard’s NFL Predictions - Week 1
Last Season: 154-104
Carolina Panthers (0-0) at Denver Broncos (0-0)
And we’re back with the 2016 NFL season, which begins… exactly how the last one ended. Panthers vs Broncos. Except that the defending champs are gonna start a quarterback that was drafted in the seventh round and has never thrown a pass in the big league – his lone NFL snap was a kneel down. Cool, guys. The Broncos pretty much went all in on winning a Super Bowl with Peyton Manning and then they did that so you can expect a drop down the power rankings now, even if only by a few spots. Trevor Siemian is his name, by the way, I forgot to mention that. Beat out rookie Paxton Lynch and Mark Sanchez so… sweet as.
The Panthers though, they might be even better this time. Keep in mind that the team that won their first 14 games and made the Super Bowl were a team with a patchwork offensive line and no number one receiver. Kelvin Benjamin was injured all season and in his place, Cam Newton was tossing pigskins towards the butterfingers of Ted Ginn Jr in particular, who’d need three attempts just to catch a cold. Seriously, the Panthers will have a better offence in 2016. The Broncos will not.
So it’s handy for the Broncs that they got used to playing without an offence last year. Like when Peyton Manning was handing out picks like he was a guest on Oprah. I saw the late great BB King play once and after each song he threw his guitar pick into the crowd. Still not as generous as 2015 Peyton. The Broncos were 20th in points scored last season, only 22.2 per game. Which is why it’s so fine for them that they only conceded 18.5, the fourth best. The Panthers: first in points scored and sixth in points conceded. Pretty solid that.
The Panthers’ defence will probably drop off a bit like the Broncos offence, what with Josh Norman no longer there, but when you have Luke Kuechly in the middle there’s only so far you can fall. With the revenge factor from SB50, with the quarterback contrast as well, I really do expect the Panthers to get this done and I wouldn’t even be shocked if they won it quite easily.
Fun fact: Cam Newton’s son’s name is Chosen.
Also I, ah, stumbled on this video on Deadspin. It was too good not to share.
Reoww.
Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 14
Minnesota Vikings (0-0) at Tennessee Titans (0-0)
The Actual Truthful Oral History of the Sam Bradford Trade:
Minnesota Executive #1: {redacted name}!!! What’s up man? Did you go to training today, how are the boys looking ahead of the season?
Minnesota Executive #2: …
Minnesota Executive #1: Dude, what’s with the long face? Don’t tell me Adrian gave you one with the switch now buddy. Aye… buddy…?
Minnesota Executive #2: It’s Teddy. He hurt his knee in training. He hurt it real bad. Season ending injury, the doctors are saying. Players were vomiting on the field when they saw it. This could ruin us!
Minnesota Executive #1: Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God Oh God, etc.
{Out pops a Philadelphia Executive from behind the water cooler}
Philadelphia Executive: Hey, you guys can have Sam Bradford if you want. Just make sure you drop a couple draft picks in there so nobody gets suspicious.
Minnesota Executive #1: We’re doomed.
Minnesota Executive #2: Get lost, Philly Steak. We don’t need your condescending attitude. Can’t you see this is a franchise in crisis!?
Philadelphia Executive: I mean, it’s either Bradford or Mark Sanchez, up to you guys.
Minnesota Executives #1 & #2 (simultaneously): Where do we sign?
Wildcard’s Pick: Vikings by 3
Chicago Bears (0-0) at Houston Texans (0-0)
Yo shout out to the compatriot Paul Lasike on making the Bears’ active roster. He’s hoping he’s also active for this game in Houston – everyone loves a hard-running, tackle-busting fullback, bro.
Lasike is a block-first backfield player in his first NFL season, though he does have above average ability as a pass catcher too. Stuff he learned playing rugby in Auckland and the Waikato as a young fella, no doubt. Meanwhile Jarryd Hayne in his first season rushed for 52 yards, caught another 27 of them and had 76 on punt returns. 155 all-purpose yards. I’m gonna take the overs and say Lasike tops that in 2016 – definitely if you exclude the punt return yards. Lasike is gonna get in on special teams, but only as a tackler/blocker.
Who’s starting QB for the Texans these days?
Oh yeah, that’s right.
(Yo, Lamar Miller is a steal for the Texans at RB though. Dude never got a good chance in Miami, he’ll be well over 1200 yards this year.)
Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 7
Cleveland Browns (0-0) at Philadelphia Eagles (0-0)
Argh week one is always so hard to predict. Preseason tells you bugger all and last season’s dead and gone, you just never quite know what to expect from teams and which players will regress or improve, which may get injured, which are gonna punch an old man and be suspended or any of that. Sometimes a team gets lucky and wins a few games more than they should. Sometimes one has the opposite. There are teams, like the Carolina Panthers last year, who go from being a good good solid team to suddenly being the best out there (until the final game) and that’s hard to predict. Trying to get a handle on teams this early, it’s just impossible to do.
Except for this pair. This pair is useless.
Wildcard’s Pick: Eagles by 3
Buffalo Bills (0-0) at Baltimore Ravens (0-0)
Funny story about my old mate Rob Ryan. Back when he was with the New Orleans Saints, he was busy working away unknowing while a plot was being hatched to rob his house empty. But it didn’t come into fruition and why not? Because one of the conspirators dialled the wrong number and left a condemning voicemail on a random’s phone. That random sent the message to the fuzz and bob’s ya bloody uncle. Plot thwarted. That’s pretty hilarious in its own right but then the message itself, as excerpted in a few publications now that the court docos are publically available:
"He don't got no security," said a garbled voice, according to a court document obtained by The New Orleans Advocate. "He's just a regular football coach. ... He ain't ... big ... like (rapper) Lil Wayne or nobody ... that got bodyguards everywhere."
He ain’t like Lil Wayne, man. You mean he’s not retiring?
Nah, instead Robbie’s working with his brother teaching the art of defence and reading mean tweets on twitter:
There’s a genuine theory that the Bills defence is regressing a bit but if it is, it isn’t happening as quick as it happened in Baltimore. Two teams maybe on the edge of the playoff picture, it’d be handy to start with a win, you’d reckon. I can see Baltimore edging it at home too. I’ve seen The Wire, man. Doesn’t look like an easy place to visit.
Wildcard’s Pick: Ravens by 2
San Diego Chargers (0-0) at Kansas City Chiefs (0-0)
This one might be a mismatch. The Chiefs mostly prefer to run the ball and the Chargers really have no idea how to defend against that. Or they didn’t last season. Hard to tell, sometimes these things switch up at random. As far as the Chargers go, they sorta got left behind. Literally. Of the three teams vying for the move to Los Angeles, it was the Rams that got the gig while the Raiders settled for Las Vegas (they’re working on it at least, with trademarks pending on the name). The Chargers? Stuck in San Diego. All their mates are off travelling the country and they’re waiting behind in the old town.
No surprise the Chargers are struggling to make deals, it took them flippin’ weeks to ink their top draft pick – Joey Bosa, selected third overall – to his contract. 31 days after turning up it took before they agreed on the deal. Weird thing is, Bosa’s dad was drafted by the Dolphins in the 80s and waited 41 days to sign his rookie deal, so there must’ve been some clever advice being handed down in that family.
Joey’s great-grandfather, by the way, was a fella by the name of Tony Accardo who happened to be something of a big deal in Chicago back in the days. And by big deal, I mean he was a mob boss. Who rose through the ranks under none other than Al Capone, who nicknamed him “Joe Batters” on account of how well he swung a baseball bat and no I’m not talking about the batting cages either. So, yes, negotiating skills probably run in the family… so to speak.
Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 12
Oakland Raiders (0-0) at New Orleans Saints (0-0)
Okay then, bear with me because this could be one of the games of the round. Neither are teams that will be running the Panthers or Seahawks any time soon but here we have two sides that are incredibly young and raw yet hugely promising. Though one has Drew Brees at QB and the other Derek Carr. Old and young, experienced and not. But both of them are tidy passers. The Saints have huge issues on defence but are slowly figuring those out while their receiving corps are poised to really flourish this season – Drew Brees does bring the best out in folks. Both teams could have problems blocking, especially the Saints up against Khalil Mack. Look, they’re both full of holes, but that only makes the contest more intriguing.
Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 6
Tampa Bay Buccaneers (0-0) at Atlanta Falcons (0-0)
Have you seen Donald Glover/Childish Gambino’s new show ‘Atlanta’ yet? Nah, neither, but I’ve heard it’s super good. I’ll check it out when I’m finished writing maybe, in the meantime here’s some Outkast.
A couple teams here who could significantly up their previous efforts. The Falcons need another WR to emerge from somewhere and the Buccs are short a little bit of experience but both are getting there, just like the Raiders and Saints. The Buccs are gonna surprise some people, man. Just not quite yet.
Wildcard’s Pick: Falcons by 5
Cincinnati Bengals (0-0) at New York Jets (0-0)
The Bengals are gonna win a playoff game this season. No, seriously.
Fine then, don’t believe me.
Wildcard’s Pick: Bengals by 10
Green Bay Packers (0-0) at Jacksonville Jaguars (0-0)
Say, did you happen to have a read of my Quarterback Rankings yet? Come on matey, that thing took me all weekend to write. Anyway, if you’ve skipped right to this game because you’re a Packers fan (nobody likes the Jaguars that I’ve ever met, so it ain’t that), then you’ll be pleasantly relieved to see who’s at the top of the list for the fourth year in a row… it’s Jay Cutler. Nah jokes.
Ahh, look. I’m feeling a little bad about that dig at the Jags before. I mean, it wasn’t wrong but then the Jacksonville Jaguars are also one of the previously crap teams that I’m kind of hopeful for this season (along with the Falcons, Rams and Saints). They were already getting there on offence and even if Blake Bortles will never be Tom Brady, he’s at least lost the shackles and he does like to throw a mean bomb downfield. Gunslinging QB play is always fun. Plus they picked up Jalen Ramsey, Prince Amukamara and Tashaun Gipson in the offseason so they might even be able to defend the odd pass as well as throwing them. If you aren’t on the Allen Robinson bandwagon yet then get out of my house.
But the Packers have Jordy Nelson back so I’ll give you another week to vacate the premises.
Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 7
Miami Dolphins (0-0) at Seattle Seahawks (0-0)
Oh Jeezus there are a lot of games to get through. Let’s just assume this one goes as planned.
Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 16
New York Giants (0-0) at Dallas Cowboys (0-0)
A team that passes brilliantly but cannot run or defend, against a team that runs the ball brilliantly but probably can’t pass or defend either. This oughta be fun, as indeed most times these two meet are. The thing about the Cowboys though (wait for the fan bias to kick in, 3… 2… 1…) is that they have Dak Prescott and Ezekiel Elliott. And I don’t care that we’re talking about a rookie quarterback and a rookie running back each starting on opening day and still harbouring thoughts of the playoffs because that offensive line is so good you could play jenga behind it unobstructed. This team had a mix of Brandon Weedle and Matt Cassel starting at QB and they still had the ninth best running game in the NFL (sixth in rush Y/A) and that was after letting the defending rushing champ walk in free agency. You cannot underestimate how crazy that is. Oh and Dak is the business, preseason doesn’t (always) lie.
Obviously the Cowboys are gonna have troubles without the ball, particularly with DeMarcus Lawrence and Randy Gregory suspended but those are limited if they can shorten the game by keeping the ball on the ground on the other side.
The Giants haven’t made the postseason for four years now and that means no more Tom Coughlin. Good thing or a bad thing, I get the feeling it’ll take some getting used to. Also, who knows what’s going through Odell Beckham Jr’s head these days after his anonymous encounter with Lena Dunham. Nothing prepares you for the torment of modern outrage culture, regardless of which side you fall upon.
Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 3
Detroit Lions (0-0) at Indianapolis Colts (0-0)
Turns out Calvin Johnson was for real when he retired. That… is not good news for the Lions.
Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 8
New England Patriots (0-0) at Arizona Cardinals (0-0)
Hehehe.
Just wait for it though. Garoppolo will do so well in replacing Brady that some idiot team makes a massive offer to trade for him, the Pats feel it’s too good to refuse so they take it and bloody viola, you’ve got another Matt Cassel out there – making a living off the brilliance of Bill Belichick.
To be honest though, I think the Cards are good enough to beat the Patriots even if Brady were playing. Carson Palmer has a lot to prove after that NFC Champo game last season.
Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 6
Pittsburgh Steelers (0-0) at Washington R**skins (0-0)
Welcome to Washington, Josh Norman. Not only do you now play in a division with both Odell Beckham Jr and Dez Bryant but for your first game in racistly-tinged crimson and gold you’re up against Antonio Brown. Wait, doesn’t this guy actively hate OBJ already?
Welcome to 2016 people. In the old days famous people turned to talk shows to air out their grievances. Now it’s all on twitter in 140 poorly edited characters.
This is the game to watch in week one, no doubt about that. The Steelers fare to have an insane offence even with Le’Veon Bell unavailable (I swear they may as well get stamps made up at NFL headquarters that say “for violating the league’s substance policies” so they don’t have to type it out so often). I’m even on record saying Big Ben’s gonna toss 5k in 2-16. The Skins seem to think the NFC East is there’s for the taking now and I’m not too sure about that – the Cowboys and Giants are each much better than most seem to reckon – but they do have a solid team that can make things happen on both sides. Their run game disappoints me though. You let Alfred Morris stroll for nothing and he signs with a rival? The bugger got worse with every season in Washington but perhaps that’s more to do with diminished QB performance and then a schematic trend away from the run. Steelers for the win here, lock her in.
Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 7
Los Angeles Rams (0-0) at San Francisco 49ers (0-0)
Weeeell, I’ll put it this way about Chip Kelly. His last team, the Philly Eagles, have almost $15m in dead cap space this season because they were that desperate to get rid of any lingering remnants of Chip Kelly. Sam Bradford, DeMarco Murray and Byron Maxwell in particular, all gone. In San Fran, they’ve also gone through an outrageous spell of player movement, although theirs came mostly because of unexpected retirements and off-field behaviour. Yeah, and the odd free agent walkout too. With a young roster in a tough division, the Niners will be lucky if they can get to five wins this season, methinks.
Hey but nobody cares about the game, this is all about Los Angeles getting football back! Hooray, now all those rich Hollywood types can finally see football. Here’s to global equality and fair opportunities for all.
Wildcard’s Pick: Rams by 6
The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. If he’s gonna take a knee to a tune, it was probably written by Prince. Or maybe D’Angelo. Or possibly that one Chris Isaak song.