The Wildcard’s NFL Predictions - Week 3
Last Week: 8-8
Season: 17-15
Houston Texans (2-0) at New England Patriots (2-0)
Right, so Jimmy Garoppolo turned out to be exceedingly talented and handsome, filling in perfectly for another fella that fits those labels. Typical goddamn Patriots. But now he’s injured and very doubtful for this game, meaning that rookie Jacoby Brissett is probably gonna be thrust into action for this one. No pressure lad, but it’d be really nice if you failed miserably for our sakes.
If he happens to get injured too, word is Danny Amendola rates himself.
And beyond him, uhh… Bill Simmons maybe? How about Mark Wahlberg? Ben Affleck?
Here are some words on Brissett from a Washington Post profile:
“For a 23-year-old newly imbued with national fame, Jacoby Brissett is a man of few vices. One of them is chocolate chip cookies, which in college he baked for his offensive linemen. He’s more likely to spend free time studying film than hanging on the town. The closest he comes to alcohol is talking with his high school coach, whose name is Jack Daniels. ‘He’s a guy that’s never had a drink, never had a smoke, never even thought about doing something like that’ Daniels said.”
Let me guess, this lil bugger will throw 350 yards without an interception this week.
If he does play, he’ll be the third QB out of the 2016 draft to take the field, following on from Carson Wentz and Dak Prescott, both of whom have looked mighty assured so far. He’ll narrowly edge out Cody Kessler who is slated to take the snaps for the Browns what with them burning through yet another thrower. Is it something in the water?
It’s been ridiculous that the Pats have continued to win while Gronk and Brady sit in the stands sipping on champagne and carrot juice respectively. Absolutely ridiculous. However they were a field goal away from losing that one to the Cardinals and after getting off to a flawless start against the Dolphins, things got sketchy after Garopps was hurt. From a 31-3 lead to only winning by one score. Unlike most teams, they can handle the loss of their best receiver and their starting QB but having to reach to third on their depth chart might be a struggle against a Texans team who, gotta say it, are also undefeated.
Nobody knows how to scheme an offence to the strengths of its players like the Pats. Luckily Bill O’Brien used to coach there and knows a thing or two himself. The Texans have possibly the best pass rush going around and they’re becoming kinda sorta really decent on offence too. Will Fuller, Brock Osweiler… should be fun. The Patriots have only ever lost to the Texans once in history. This matchup is unlike any one of them.
Wildcard’s Pick: Texans by 6
Baltimore Ravens (2-0) at Jacksonville Jaguars (0-2)
Counter argument to the “Ravens are lucky to be 2-0” shout:
Last season they lost nine games by a touchdown or less. This season they’ve already won two of those. Granted, they came against the Bills and Browns (0-4 combined) but that experience of finding a way to win will do them well in tougher games.
The Jaguars need to win and they won’t do that playing as abysmally as they did against the Chargers. They’re a team with good promise that makes dumb errors. The Ravens are a team in a brutal division without the high end playmakers of their rivals and so they do things the conservative way. Dumb errors against a team that relies on making the most of dumb errors, yeah that doesn’t really balance out. Maybe next year, Jags?
Wildcard’s Pick: Ravens by 4
Washington R**skins (0-2) at New York Giants (2-0)
Two of my least favourite teams, though even I have to admit that the Giants really do look good this season. Particularly on defence, there’s a lot there worth nodding in approval to. Even more if they can do the business at home in this one and crush the souls of a divisional rival in the process. On current form it’s hard to see them not doing so as well.
Hey when everyone’s trying to figure out what’s wrong with Kirk Cousins, try stop and think that there might not be anything wrong with him at all. I watch the bastard play in full at least twice a season (Cowboys fan and all) and I’m tellin’ ya right now that last season is not the level of performance that anyone should be expecting of him permanently. He’s like that band which wrote one good song and then tried for a decade to recapture that only to realise too late that it was a fluke. Say, what’s a good example of that…
Yup. Makes you wonder why Captain Kirk didn’t just sign that contract before the season, aye? Mate, ripper of a tune though.
Wildcard’s Pick: Prediction
Detroit Lions (1-1) at Green Bay Packers (1-1)
Okay, I’m willing to listen to arguments now about Aaron Rodgers. Two games in and his combined passing completion is way down at 57.1%. His career average is 64.9%. He’s still doing his usual thing of extending plays and hitting guys on crucial downs as always but there are some ugly throws in there too. Also some ugly receivers but Rodgo ain’t at all un-blameable in this issue.
Last year the call was RELAX. But Rodgers also had a pretty average season in 2015, at least by his own lofty standards. And look, the Vikings defence is very good – possibly a top-5 defence in the league – yet the Jags? Mate they got lit up by the Chargers, nothing to brag about there. Jordy Nelson looks less than fully fit and that’ll get better but Eddie Lacy is supposedly slimmed down and good to go yet he’s not really doing all that much. 4.3 yards per carry, sure, though only 26 carries in two games.
So what’s the problem? Here’s my theory. The Green Bay Packers are last in first down efficiency and second to last in average starting position of their drives. They aren’t going anywhere on first down and are chasing yards from then on. Way too many third and longs, and too far to travel for that not to matter. Meaning that a lot of this falls back upon a certain Mike McCarthy and his playcalling capabilities. Sort it out Jerry!
Hmm, but having said that if you cast your mind back to the game against Denver last season, there might have been a turning point in there. Rodgers threw only 77 passing yards as his 6-0 Packers were thoroughly beaten by the also undefeated Broncos. As tends to happen against that Broncos team, he was sacked three times and hit a whole lot more.
- Rodgers Pre-2015 Broncos Game: 6 gm / 68.1% comp / 1491 yds / 15 TD / 2 INT / 115.9 rtg
- Rodgers Post-2015 Broncos Game: 12 gm / 57.2% comp / 2742 yds / 19 TD / 7 INT / 82.0 rtg
On the other hand the Lions looked to be hitting something resurgent after beating the Colts in the first week and then they went and lost to the flippin’ Titans. Ameer Abdullah is out for the season, nobody could catch and they’ve barely got a healthy linebacker left. Your move, Mike McCarthy.
Wildcard’s Pick: Packers by 7
Cleveland Browns (0-2) at Miami Dolphins (0-2)
The Browns, man. They keep on finding new ways. Against the Ravens they stunningly found themselves up 20-2 after the first quarter… and then went on to lose 25-20. It’d almost be tragic if it weren’t so damn predictable – following the game you never really felt the Ravens couldn’t do it.
But shout out to Josh McCown who mutilated his shoulder in the first quarter and somehow managed to play on. He’s not going on the IR because they think they can get him back but he won’t be playing again for a spell and the fact he played through that is genuinely impressive. Here are some emotional words from the man himself:
Ah, yet we cannot dwell on last week when this week will bring another Browns starting QB and his name is Cody Kessler. 23 year old rookie outta USC, coach Hue Jackson has long been talking him up for his accuracy and poise in the pocket. That might not matter playing for Cleveland but hey it’s an opportunity all the same. Gotta hoard those up, lad. They don’t come around all that often.
Of all of the 0-2 teams out there, the Dolphins are easily the most underrated. They lost by two points on the road in Seattle and then by a single touchdown on the road in New England. There aren’t too many tougher two match stretches than that and to start the season with that? Let’s just say they deserve a homer vs CLE right about now.
In fact, let’s categorise them all.
0-2 Because of a Difficult Schedule:
- Miami Dolphins
- Buffalo Bills
- Indianapolis Colts
0-2 Because They’re Awful:
- Chicago Bears
- Cleveland Browns
0-2 For Undecided Reasons:
- Washington R**skins
- Jacksonville Jaguars
- New Orleans Saints
Wildcard’s Pick: Dolphins by 10
Minnesota Vikings (2-0) at Carolina Panthers (1-1)
It is in times of great difficulty that we need our heroes most of all and it is the deeds conducted therein that make a hero thus. Minnesota needed a hero. By the grace of God and the wings of angels, they found one.
And he only cost them a first round pick.
Of course, part of the reason Sam Bradford did as well as he did was that the Vikings defence gets it done on their own and Stefon Diggs is really, really good himself. Yes, that would be NFC Offensive Player of the Week Stefon Diggs. He leads the NFL with 285 receiving yards and 182 of them came last week vs Green Bay. Cris Carter was the last Viking to have back to back 100 yards receiving games to begin a season. It’s almost enough to forget that Adrian Peterson is gonna be out for an extended time with a torn LCL that needs surgery – though not necessarily the whole season. His 1.6 yards per carry also aid that bit of forgetfulness.
The Panthers were back to their dominant best against the 49ers, scoring 46 points in a comfortable win. They eased off the gas in giving up 27 at the other end but 17 of them came in the final quarter with the match wrapped up. Sam Bradford impressed last week. He’ll need to hit a whole new level to beat the Panthers on the road.
Wildcard’s Pick: Panthers by 8
Denver Broncos (2-0) at Cincinnati Bengals (1-1)
It’s gonna look quite stink when the Bengals are at 1-2 after three weeks. Guts to playing probably two of the top three teams in the conference (Broncos and Steelers) already.
You know what? I’m being a bit callous there because I can definitely see the Bengals winning this. I’m not about to pick it but this is a really interesting matchup. In fact the Bengals are the Vegas favourites by a couple of points.
For one thing, Kalvin Benjamin was able to get open a few times against this defence in week one and AJ Green, well if you asked me to pick my top three WRs in the NFL this season then AJ Green would be on that list alongside Andre Brown and Julio Jones. He’s a threat against any defence. Although, with the Bengals averaging under three yards per rush, coming up against one of the best defensive lines out there puts pressure on the passing game and pressure on the passing game tends to translate into actual pressure on the quarterback – which is how you get to Andy Dalton: by getting to him. If that makes any sense.
Wildcard’s Pick: Broncos by 3
Arizona Cardinals (1-1) at Buffalo Bills (0-2)
It doesn’t look like it’s much fun being a Bills fan. I knew there must be a reason for that whole ‘drunkest fans in the NFL’ tag. The good news is that they play the 49ers in week six, so, you know, they’re at least going to win one game. Probably. Hey wasn’t this supposed to be a borderline playoff team though? If that’s got any chance of happening a win against Arizona is a must, except that the Cardinals are rather decent themselves so… maybe take that tenner you’ve been saving for a rainy day and put it on Rex Ryan to be the first coach fired.
Rex Ryan: "I haven't been in these circumstances before, being 0-2. Obviously I feel a great deal of responsibility for where we're at as a football team and not real comfortable right now, to be honest with you. Just want to win. And we need a win in the worst way, and we understand that."
The organisation has already started shuffling up his support staff, they fired Greg Roman from his offensive coordinator right after he’d posed for the team’s 2016 squad photo. That is cold, man. Ice cold. Also… like, am I missing something here or is firing the guy who turned Tyrod Taylor from a nobody into a starting NFL quarterback (having once done the same with Colin Kaepernick) days after a game in which his offence scored 31 points and made almost 400 yards maybe missing the target? Should they maybe not be looking closer at their defence that let Ryan Fitzpatrick’s Jets score 37? Is that not more in line with where the real problems are?
Wildcard’s Pick: Cardinals by 5
Oakland Raiders (1-1) at Tennessee Titans (1-1)
There’s something wrong when you’re giving up 500 yards in each of your first two games, as the Raiders have done. A bit of extra hype and they freak the hell out. This is still a team with a quarterback completing at a shade under 70% without having throws a single interception and yet the defence was meant to be their strength. Some were saying top ten.
I dunno, I haven’t seen enough of them but when I googled Oakland Defence, this came up.
Now would appear a good time to play the Tennessee Titans.
Wildcard’s Pick: Raiders by 7
Los Angeles Rams (1-1) at Tampa Bay Buccaneers (1-1)
This is what it looked like the last time these two teams played.
Just horrific. You know, like this:
Wildcard’s Pick: Buccs by 6
San Francisco 49ers (1-1) at Seattle Seahawks (1-1)
Do you think Marshawn Lynch is missing football? Hell nah.
Who’d wanna run behind that offensive line in Seattle anyway? 15 points in two games, only one touchdown. At least in this game they won’t need to worry about their offence because they should score enough points on defence to beat these jokers.
Wildcard’s Pick: Seahawks by 7
Pittsburgh Steelers (2-0) at Philadelphia Eagles (2-0)
It’s been a shocking stat to the ol’ picks this season but this week I reckon I might get the train back on track. At least it had bloody better. Here’s a game I’m very confident about. The Steelers held the Bengals in check last time and the Eagles are simply not as good as that.
And that’s despite the fact that Carson Wentz is already the greatest athlete in the history of all sport after only two games. There’s a very substantiated rumour that he’s the literal reincarnation of John Wayne and Abraham Lincoln. If Carson Wentz were a number, he would be infinity. If he were an animal, he would be God. All because he can CHANGE THE CALLS! And he THROWS ACCURATELY! And he ISN’T DAUNTED BY THE PROFESSIONAL GAME! Ah, feck off.
He’s a friggin’ rookie throwing at 60%. No interceptions? Big deal, Derek Carr, Jimmy Garoppolo, Philip Rivers, Carson Palmer, Drew Brees and Dak Prescott haven’t thrown one either. Prescott’s attempted 75 passes and hasn’t thrown one, that’s a rookie record in the first two games of a career. Lemme know when Wentz does it against a team that isn’t a complete disaster, like the Browns and Bears are. You wanna win me over, son? Here’s your chance.
Say, what’s Le’Veon Bell been up to during his suspension?
Wildcard’s Pick: Steelers by 10
New York Jets (1-1) at Kansas City Chiefs (1-1)
- KCC in the first three quarters: 13-37
- KCC in the fourth quarter & OT: 32-9
That’s a rather significant margin to be playing from behind from. Against the Chargers they were down 14 points heading into the fourth and against the Texans they were down 10 points. I mean, they still won the Chargers game but most teams aren’t as brittle as the Chargers. Not even the Jets anymore, by the looks.
This is a tight one. The Jets do all sorts of damage with their front seven, however they probably won’t be able to pile on the points in KC. Meanwhile the Chiefs are usually so consistent which is what makes their erratic start to the season so troubling. I’ve been back and forth here but I’m gonna settle on the home team.
Wildcard’s Pick: Chiefs by 1
San Diego Chargers (1-1) at Indianapolis Colts (0-2)
Wildcard’s Pick: Colts by 9
Chicago Bears (0-2) at Dallas Cowboys (1-1)
There once was a rookie named Dak
Who became the Cowboys quarterback
And the kid he did fine
With that offensive line
Holding fort until Romo came back
There once was a Bear named Jay Cutler
Serving turnovers like he’s a butler
He was playing quite dumb
Until he hurt his thumb
And now he’s out for two to three weeks, sir
There was a young coach once called Garrett
His hair was the colour of carrots
When the clock it strikes two
He don’t know what to do
But old Jerry is happy to bear it
(This is fun, I could keep going all day. For the record, Jason Garrett is becoming a much better coach these days and like any head coach, he’s only ever as good as the assistants around him).
Wildcard’s Pick: Cowboys by 10
Atlanta Falcons (1-1) at New Orleans Saints (0-2)
Two immensely flawed teams capable of putting on big points without the ability to stop conceding them. Not gonna dwell on this one, just gonna say that I’ll side with the home team boasting a Hall of Fame QB.
Playing us out this week, it’s a banger from the new Dino Jr record featuring J.Mascis’ skateboarding dog. What more could you want?
Wildcard’s Pick: Saints by 4
The Wildcard is a staff writer for The Niche Cache. He used to be way better at the whole predicting the score thing, he swears. Like how the Seahawks used to be able to block.