Top 5 Players of the Season

Uncle Dysfunktional:

Luis Suarez – Top goal-scorer, most creative player, and best to watch, Suarez is no doubt the player of the season. Basically without him Liverpool wouldn’t have been so close to winning the title.

Yaya Toure – The best midfielder in the league and one of the best in the world, this man is an animal. He can do anything he wants and play anywhere he wants. His ability is scary and he was crucial in City winning the league.

Adam Lallana – It’s not easy for me to say this due to my hatred for Southampton but Lallana has been fantastic this season. He deserves his call-up to the England World Cup squad and he could be vital. He works hard, has great technical ability, and is a leader.

Eden Hazard – He is a magician on the ball and has been vital for Chelsea all season. He’ll be frustrated that Chelsea finish the season with no silverware but from a Chelsea team that was solid all season, he stood out.

Daniel Sturridge – This fella has to be mentioned because he is another reason why Liverpool came so close to the title. Always a threat, gets important goals, and creates chances for others as well. He is the perfect partner for Suarez not only in terms of how they play together but also in terms of he takes the goal-scoring pressure off Suarez and pushes him to keep his form up. If Suarez ever dropped off in form during the season then Sturridge could easily make the Uruguayan look worse by getting the goals.

Wildcard:

Numero Uno is Luis Suarez. Nobody turns a game on the slightest opportunity like Suarez can. Brilliant goals but also the simple ones. And he’s really settled into a great partnership with Danny Sturridge.

Dos is Yaya Toure. The best midfielder in the Premier League and possibly even the world. A storming defensive midfielder who came third in the league in goalscoring. Wow.

Tres: Stevie G. Playing as a defensive midfielder has really reinvigorated him. This was his best season in five years. Not that it’s any consolation to him.

Cuatro: David Silva was great all year round. City have so many top players that chances can be hard to come by. Silva played the least games (26 starts) of all five of these guys but was never short of creativity and inspiration. One of the best passers in the game and a guy who brings out the best in those around him.

Cinco: Eden Hazard. Chelsea’s season seems like a failure but they were in the race for a long time despite Mourinho publically lamenting his lack of world class strikers. A huge part of that was having a guy of the quality and flair of Hazard to work with. Playing under Mourinho is already developing the technical side of his game. He’ll be a star.

Senor Spectre:

You have to pick the best player from the best team for me. That is by far away Yaya Toure. Without him there is no way City would have taken out the EPL or got anywhere near it. It wasn’t just the 20 goals or his 9 assists that he brought to the table, but his ability to dominate any match up and provide City with a truly world class midfielder that could control a game. Sure City has other fantastic players, but no one was as consistent as Toure or provided his calmness and leadership. There was no better mix of power, pace and pure talent in the premier league this season and was definitely my top player.

Luis Suarez came a pretty damn close second. If Liverpool had won the title then he would have quite clearly won my vote. You can’t doubt his numbers though: 30 goals and 25 assists. And remember he missed the first 5 games through suspension. God damn that is goooood! If only Arsenal had offered just a tad more in the summer! His ability to create opportunities for himself and others makes him such a threat and so hard to replace. You could see how much the title meant to him after the draw with Crystal Palace. Wasn’t his year this year, but from a personal performance point of view he couldn’t have done much more.

Aaron Ramsey. My boy. I hated Mr Ramsey last year. He was one of the worst performers for the Gunners and I would’ve happily sold him in the summer. Lucky I’m not the manager. What a year he had. Arguably the player of the year if the season was up until Christmas. Unfortunately injury curtailed the second half of the year, but he still came back in the last few games and showed his class. What could have been, if he stayed fit...?

Edin Hazard defies his age that’s for sure. He’s not going to provide you with much defensively but damn he is good going forwards. His ability to isolate defenders and run straight and hard at them makes him difficult to contain. His calmness in front of goal this season was exceptional and it seems like he has started to mature a tad. Watch out for him next year.

Dan the Man Sturridge. Bar that ugly goal celebration he has been a bit of a revelation this year. He kept the Reds a float as they waited for Suarez to come back from his suspension and then he formed the deadliest combination with him as they put teams to the sword. His pace and ability to run off the shoulder of defenders makes him difficult to defend and that’s why he had so much success this year.

Overachievers of the Year

UD - Liverpool by a mile. They will be so disappointed they couldn't finish the job but if you offered them top 4 at the beginning of the season they would have snatched your hand off. Even though they didn’t get the league and they threw it away they should look back on the season with pride. With a very small squad and conceding a lot of goals their exciting attacking football was nearly enough. However, they didn’t have the distraction of European football and didn’t have too many injuries so they will find it a lot harder next season, hopefully Rodgers can bring in good quality and quantity to keep them as challengers next season.

W - Liverpool overachieved, given the fact that they relied on a bare 11 men. But those 11 blokes were mostly pretty great. Across the city, Everton punched above their weight too. I guess some of that Davie Moyes writing was already on the wall given how he left and they got a lot better. Crystal Palace gets my vote though, for their complete resurgence under Tony “Mastermind” Pulis. A team whose best player is an Australian (Mile Jedinak) and whose top striking threat is the world renowned Jason Puncheon. When Pulis took over for Ian Holloway, this was a team staring at almost certain relegation. They finished in 11th. Nine losses in their first ten games; Just one from their final eight – a stretch that included wins over Chelsea and Everton, and that incredible 3-3 draw with Liverpool.

SS - Southampton is definitely up there after they were in the top 4 running for a fair while. With limited resources, both they and Everton definitely overachieved. If the Toffees can keep using the loan system successfully, then they’ll get up their sooner or later.

Most Underwhelming Team

UD - This is a no brainer; it has to be Manchester United. How can it not be? They’ve gone from league champions to not qualifying for Europe. It was always going to be a tough task but no one expected it to be this bad. I still believe and always will that Moyes deserved more time. Don’t shoot me for saying this but I think Sir Alex and David Gill dropped Moyes in it this season by leaving at the same time. You can’t just blame Moyes for United’s demise. He was left with a squad that was aging, a new CEO who obviously was out of his depth in terms of player recruits, and the ubiquitous pressure of being the ‘chosen one’. He didn’t do himself any favours by changing the backroom staff as much as he did but it doesn’t matter now, he needed more time.

W - As a United fan, it’s pretty hard to look past my own lads. Any old joker can work a win over Aston Villa or Newcastle with those players. Against the top three though, it was, well… underwhelming. It isn’t just the fact that they lost it’s the nature of those losses. You can lose while giving it a go and the fans will understand. Not so when the losses kept feeling like such foregone conclusions.

SS - Got to be Tottenham Hotspur for sure. You sell your best player and get 100m pounds to spend and you go and buy 8 midfielders who can play only one position and a striker. I mean come on. Someone needs the sack for that surely. It’s like playing manager mode and just wanting all the best guys regardless of position. Well they weren’t the best guys and they didn’t fill the squad as it should have. Back to the drawing board for them.

Best Battler

UD - Either Steven Gerrard, Suarez, or Sidwell. Gerrard and Suarez have been fantastic all season and never gave up hope on the dream to win the league. Week after week and goal after goal conceded; they kept on pushing to take City all the way. Gerrard has had to change the way he plays and has done brilliantly while Suarez and come back from being a villain at the start of the season to player of the year. Sidwell has also been fantastic for Fulham this season and chipped in with a few goals but couldn’t stop his team being relegated. Despite all the managerial changes Sidwell has been consistent and should be back in the EPL with another team next season.

W - Ricky Lambert. From working in a beetroot factory to playing for England. He even made the World Cup squad! A half decent finisher with some presence in the air – a.k.a. another boring English striker. Can’t take anything away from a guy making the most of his abilities though. Play the hand you’re dealt and all that jazz.

SS - David De Gea for me. Man United was plain awful this year, but without this guy they could kiss goodbye a top 10 finish. He single handily kept them in games and provided some comfort for home fans. You could tell he was fighting a lone battle at times but he kept his standards high all year. Gone are the clangers and shockers of yesteryear, this kid looks like the goods. But will he stay is the question.

Most Enjoyable Thing About The Season

UD - The battle at the top has been refreshing with it going down to the last day and having a team spring up from nowhere and compete. Liverpool weren’t expected to be challenging for the title at all but they pushed City all the way. In recent seasons it’s usually been 2 or 3 teams that had serious ambitions to win the league but after Liverpool’s performance this season it has opened the door for more teams to be capable of winning the league. It’s a real shame Liverpool couldn’t get over the line mostly because I think Gerrard really deserves the title at least once. Although they didn’t get there, mainly due to conceding 50 goals, they were still highly entertaining.

W - Luis Suarez crying, haha! No, wait… Steven Gerrard slipping up! By the way, I fully realise that I’m a United fan taking vicarious pleasure in a rival’s failure despite my own team’s much more drastic inadequacies. So what? It’s healthier than banging my head against a concrete wall. Schadenfreude, baby. The Germans always know best. Ok, usually know best.

SS - How tight the battles were at the top and the bottom. Everyone loves the bottom of the table scrap and we weren’t disappointed again this year. How both Sunderland and Crystal Palace stayed up I may never understand but god it was enjoyable watching them give the big boys hell. Palace and Sunderland both beating Chelsea, taking points off the likes of Liverpool and United. It was great to see.

Dick of the Year

UD - Alan Pardew, didn’t even think about it and I would have given you this answer if you asked me at the beginning of the season - actually I did. He’s an absolute nipple and it’s no wonder why Toon fans want him out. He is arrogant, whiny, stupid, and self-obsessed. How can a manager head butt a player and then not take the blame when his teams form dips while he serves his suspension? There are many managers out there better than this knob-head, get him out.

W - Ooh, Alan Pardew ranks up there. Even if he hadn’t headbutted David Meyler he’d still be up there. A top tier asshole he is. For varieties’ sake though I’m gonna say Vincent Tan, chairman of Cardiff City. He’s already had a reputation for being self-interested after changing the team’s 100 year old traditional colours from blue to red (because red’s a lucky colour in Asia). This year he really outdid himself by appointing a 23 year old Kazakhstani man with zero experience in professional football as the club’s Head of Recruitment after a short stint as an intern at the club. Except that the guy didn’t have the proper visa and had to resign with just over a week until the January transfer window. Ridiculous.

SS - Both Marouane Fellaini and Alan Pardew. Fellaini sucked. Sure you could say he never got enough game time or opportunity but when he did he was more useless than an amputee in a sweat shop. Heavy touches, poor finishing, getting beaten to headers by 5 ft players. It was a joke. Alan Pardew is up here as well for his stupid head butt on a player. He’s got a reputation for losing his head but this was just stupid. How he still has a job I’ll never understand. Cut your losses Newcastle. What a knob.

Goal of Year

UD - Jonjo Shelvey’s goal against Villa was fantastic. There are a few candidates including Kasami’s volley, Hazard’s pinball goal, and Rooney’s volley from about half-way but Shelvey is the winner. It was pure reaction, fantastic technique, and the goalkeeper genuinely had no chance. Rooney’s goal was also down to Adrian’s error and Hazard’s was a great team goal which I usually prefer but I can’t stop watching Jonjo’s goal.

W - Wayne Rooney’s half field beauty had me all tingly inside. A nothing ball hit up the line, a clumsy challenge in the air, a loose ball dropping in front of him. Then all of a sudden after that dour, awkward stretch of English Football comes a majestic moment of genius as Rooney spots the keeper off his line and lobs it over him from almost the half way line. Incredible. Some prefer the goals with the perfect, silky build ups. But as an example of the way the beautiful game can twist and turn, encompassing all emotions on the spectrum, this one is my favourite. Beauty amongst the ruins.

SS - Can’t go past Jack Wilshere’s for Arsenal against Norwich. You could try it 1000 times and it will never happen again. Everything just fell into place and the exact moments. Some say they don’t believe in magic. Watch the clip and you might change your mind.

Coolest Manager

UD - It’s out of Martinez, Rodgers, or Mourinho for me but probably Rodgers. Martinez is pure class every week, humble, smart, and respectful. Mourinho is also the mind games master and just through that alone has earned Chelsea quite a few points this season. Mourinho also has supreme confidence with the success to back it up. Rodgers though is like Martinez where he is humble and lets his team do the talking for him. He never got carried away when Liverpool were at the top and never lost his cool when they slipped. He’s a man with a good perspective but also great ambition. He has a big test on his hands next season after what he’s both achieved and not achieved this season but he won’t need to be told about that and that’s exactly why he’s manager of the season. Also a shout out to Pulis who has had a fantastic season, showing that tried and tested British managers are usually the best option.

W - Obviously Ryan Giggs. I mean, he’s one of the boys! He even stripped the tracksuit and subbed himself one that time. Created a goal in fact!

SS - Gus Poyet most definitively. Never know what he is saying or what he is thinking, but he knows how to get the best out of his players. You don’t see him running down the touchline when his lads score or doing stupid shit like head butting players, so I like him. He could be in for the long haul in the premier league, but we’ll find out in the future. A great bloke by the looks of it and he is one of the cool kids for sure.

Best Bit of Transfer Business

UD - Everton made great loan signings in the shape of Gareth Barry and Lukaku while Liverpool done well to keep Suarez but it’s the Tigers that done the best business for me. Hull signing Shane Long was an impressive bit of business but it’s another bit of business by the Yorkshire club that I have chosen. Curtis Davis was signed at the beginning of the season and installed as captain, and what a decision that was. Davis has always shown promise but has had set-backs with injuries in the past. Bruce took a gamble and Davis has been outstanding all season, once of the main reasons Hull have stayed up and are in the FA Cup Final. He missed out on a place in the England World Cup squad but I wouldn’t have argued if he got in.

W - Marouane Fellaini? Maybe not. Ricky van Wolfsprick won’t be getting any love here either. Christian Eriksen is my favourite newboy to watch, not that he’s been getting any help from his teammates. Jose Mourinho as usual was effective bringing in Andrea Schurrle who had a decent year, and Samuel Eto’o on a free buried nine EPL goals. Nemaja Matic was the best of the January additions, and Willian is off to the World Cup with Brazil. Quite a haul, Jose. Still need a striker or two though. Arguably the best bit of business however was Liverpool keeping a hold of Luis Suarez. Now they just have to do it again.

SS - The Everton loanee signings of course. Romelu Lukaku and Gareth Barry were crucial for Everton this year. Considering Chelsea could have done with Lukaks, Everton did wonderfully well to snare him away. Always shrew with their business they have worked wonders again, which is great to see. Also Arsenal for Mathieu Flamini. He bought some much needed steel to the Arsenal side and considering he came on a free... Can I hear you say Bargainnnnnn....?

Who Would You Most Like to Share a Beer With?

UD - There are hundreds I would like a beer with, names that spring to mind are Mourinho, Gerrard, and Giggs. It would be Mourinho because he is a genius and such a funny fella, Gerrard because he is an absolute legend and Giggs because I would love an insight into United’s season. I think I’d go for Stevie G though just because as an England fan he is a hero and one of the best players I have ever seen. I can also imagine him being a funny fella once you got him started and without the presence of a camera. Actually I wouldn’t mind a drink with Pardew, so I can bottle the twat.

W - Anyone if they’re shouting. But let’s do this properly. Someone capable of some intelligent conversation would be nice. Also kind of necessary that they speak English. Tell ya what, a night on the tiles with the young’uns in the England squad could be a bit of fun. Danny Welbeck and Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain on the D-Floor, Ross Barkley slamming back shots at the bar, Phil Jones picking a fight with some loafer, Daniel Sturridge chatting up the birds, Raheem Sterling vomiting on the pavement and Luke Shaw waiting outside with him since he forgot his ID. Actually, that might be a bit much. Gimme a beer with Gary Neville and we’ll talk tactics and punditry. Message us, Gaz, let’s make it happen.

SS - Jose Mourinho because you wouldn’t have a clue what’s going to happen next or if he’s taking the piss the whole time. Wayne Rooney because he’d be super fun to wind up and get angry. John Terry and Wayne Bridges because it would be great to see the awkwardness between them. Lastly Theo Walcott because I think he is an absolute legend!