Roy Hodgson sure has a big job on his hands. Every four years the English football team trot off to a World Cup with inflated expectations and ’66 comparisons. Only to lose in the quarter finals. In a penalty shootout. Usually, anyway. It’s been so long since England were a genuine contender at this thing. But fans have long memories.

The Premier League is the best domestic competition in the sport. Ever since it went global we’ve seen an enormous influx of brilliant foreign talent, which has driven the quality up to the giddy heights we know today and seen the EPL established as a money making machine. The downside is that countries from all around the world are having their premier talent developed at the expense of Tom, Dick and Harry Englishman from down the lane. This is because those players are much better than the English alternatives, though it leaves the national team in a precarious position. Clearly they still have the players to threaten. It’s just that those players never seem to play well together and always seem to be found out in the big games.

When it comes to picking a squad of 23 men to go to battle for their nation at the World Cup, there are some delicate balancing acts required. Do you pick the best 23 talents? Or pick a group based around an on-field strategy? Are there inflated egos that are gonna clash? Will the Liverpool and Manchester United players play nice together? How many strikers? Can I risk so-and-so with their injury? Has anyone broken a metatarsal lately? Whatever happened to that Beckham chap? Or that Gazza bloke? Will Paul Scholes come out of retirement if I ask nice? What about Bobby Charlton? How are those scientists going at cloning Bobby Moore?

It’s a difficult job. Even more so considering the media circus and emotional rollercoaster to follow that is the FIFA World Cup. Mistakes will be punished. Inadequacies will be exploited. Photographers will be assaulted.

So in the spirit of Commonwealth camaraderie (and since our All Whites didn’t make it this time), I’ve saved Ol’ Woy the hassle. Here is the England squad for the 2014 World Cup in Rio, with the Niche Cache seal of approval:

(By the way, the official – and no doubt inferior - squad will be confirmed on Monday 12th UK Time following the inevitably thrilling conclusion of the Premier League season)

GOALKEEPERS

Joe Hart is the obvious incumbent. Despite a relatively poor season at City there is nobody really challenging him for the starters spot so long as he’s fit. He’s the best England have. The reserve keepers are a little harder to pick. John Ruddy of Norwich is a name being bandied around but, I mean honestly, who’s gonna pick a Norwich keeper? Fraser Forster deserves to be there for his exploits for Celtic. He’d need a transfer to England or a major European league before the patriots at the FA would consider him a starter but the 26 year old is very handy (all goalkeepers should be…). Ben Foster retired for a while yet seems to be back in the fold now, and supposing he’s committed he should be there too. A gifted shot-stopper, he has really rediscovered the form that saw him briefly earn a spot as Manchester United’s number one, before the pressure got too big for him. Compared to the spotlight of playing for Man Utd every week, a World Cup knockout match might not seem so big of a hurdle. Young Jack Butland is a few years off (and playing on loan at Leeds isn’t helping) while Rob Green is pathetic and they’ve already tried that anyway. It’s kind of a waste of space to even have to pick a third keeper when only one is ever really going to play. FIFA rules though. It’s their tournament, gotta play along.

Joe Hart (Manchester City), Ben Foster (West Bromwich Albion), Fraser Forster (Celtic)

CENTRAL DEFENDERS

This has always been the key to the best England sides. Bobby Moore captained them to glory in ’66 (Have you heard about that? Yeah, England won the World Cup 48 years ago. They’re still pretty excited about it…). Even just a few years ago the centre back position was one of strength in England. Rio Ferdinand and John Terry. The likes of Southgate, Carragher and King all unable to sneak a spot. Now the likely starters are Gary Cahill and Phil Jagielka. Not bad players by any stretch, just also not the brilliant and reliable heroes of old. Roy Hodgson has tried a lot of guys in this position to find the right combination so expect nothing else. Supporting Cahill and Jags will be Phil Jones and Chris Smalling. You don’t really need much more than that. I suppose either John Terry or Rio Ferdinand might be coaxed out of exile with some flattering words, but can you trust either of them to play 3 times in a week? No, you cannot. And when it comes down to it in a close game, you’re looking for attacking subs anyway. Hence I’ve declined the relatively strong cases of Michael Dawson and Ryan Shawcross and the not so impressive case of Joleon Lescott in order to pick another midfielder. We’ll get to that soon though.

Gary Cahill (Chelsea), Phil Jagielka (Everton), Phil Jones (Manchester United), Chris Smalling (Manchester United)

FULLBACKS

Perhaps the toughest decision of all here is whether to take youngster Luke Shaw or experienced head Ashley Cole. Leighton Baines has established himself as the starter at left back, and Glen Johnson deserves to start at right back. Neither of those players offer any cover to other positions, so to pick two more specialists is costing you a lot in depth. Ashley Cole has struggled for opportunities all season, and when he has played it has often been a mixed bag. Some good, some great and some disappointing. Luke Shaw is only 18 but has looked superb so often, albeit at a lesser stage. Can he handle this occasion? Probably, but bear in mind he’s not likely to play. So do you bring a player who can provide leadership and knowledge or a kid who the whole occasion will be new to? Going through a world cup campaign is sure to improve Shaw as a player and will help transition him into this team. Plus the old adage of youthful exuberance. I’d rather face a tired veteran as a replacement than an unknown quantity. When in doubt, always do what the opposition least wasn’t you to do. Anyway, I trust Jose Mourinho’s judgement of players. Luke Shaw gets the nod. As for right back cover, both Jones and Smalling (especially Jones) have that notch in their belts. Kyle Walker had a shot before his injury, but he’s nothing worth gambling on.

Glen Johnson (Liverpool), Leighton Baines (Everton), Luke Shaw (Southampton)

CENTRAL MIDFIELD

First things first, Steven Gerrard is on that plane to Rio. He’s the captain and he’s coming off a great season for Liverpool, all slips aside. His vision and creativity in reading the game and pulling the strings form the centre of the park will be crucial. Who partners him though? Jack Wilshere has basically been promised a spot on the plane so long as he can prove his fitness. With Arsenal shutting him down for the close of the season, that shouldn’t be an issue. No, the only issue will be match fitness. Michael Carrick is a guy who should have played many more times for his country. He seemed to put himself finally in the right light after a few brilliant Man Utd seasons and some assured performances in the white shirt, though risks missing out after United’s poor form. I’d still take him, though Tom Cleverley will certainly be a World Cup casualty of the Moyes Era.

If you want to know just how much Jordan Henderson has improved out of sight this season, and how important he is to Liverpool, just look at how they’ve done without him. A loss to Chelsea and a draw with Crystal Palace in Hendo’s absence has almost completely derailed their season.

When picking a squad for a tournament, you have to be wary of all the little things that go into balancing a great team. Not everyone is going to play, but they all need to be a part of a cohesive unit. Part of that is picking experienced heads who can hold things in perspective and help out the young guys, and I’ve already left out the solid case of Ashley Cole. This is why I want to see Frank Lampard on the plane. He’s a true professional, barely involved in any trouble all of his career, and from what he’s done for Chelsea, you know he can do a job off the bench if required. Similarly, you need the youth to bring some extra enthusiasm and liveliness. Ross Barkley is a guy who has impressed immensely despite his young age. He is capable of scoring incredible goals, and is just the kind of player that could make a crucial impact off the bench. Get him in there.

Steven Gerrard (Liverpool), Jack Wilshere (Arsenal), Michael Carrick (Manchester United), Jordan Henderson (Liverpool), Frank Lampard (Chelsea), Ross Barkley (Everton)

WINGERS

We may well be looking at a generation of great England players coming through. As the old guard of Gerrard/Lampard/Ferdinand/Terry all age and disappear, we’re seeing the likes of Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain, Raheem Sterling and Adam Lallana emerge. All three of them need to be in the World Cup squad. Lallana brings an amazing range of skills, and can play in a number of positions. It’s a shame that Theo Walcott won’t be there due to injury but Ox and Sterling have been great, especially the latter, this season. Danny Welbeck and Daniel Sturridge will bring cover in these positions too. The important thing is that Hodgson moves on from the one-dimensional wingers that have too long gotten in the way by forcing England to play in a typically imagination-less 4-4-2-kick-it-wide-and-cross-it-in strategy. That ain’t gonna work against Costa Rica, let alone Spain, Holland or Germany. We’re talking about guys like Ashley Young and Aaron Lennon. They just aren’t good enough. The 5 selected guys mentioned are all under the age of 26. They are all versatile and creative players. They are the new hope for England.

Alex Oxlade-Chamberlain (Arsenal), Raheem Sterling (Liverpool), Adam Lallana (Southampton)

FORWARDS

Yeah, well obviously Wayne Rooney is playing and starting. Barring a late metatarsal injury anyway. Partnering him will probably be Daniel Sturridge, with Danny Welbeck either off the bench or out wide. Welbeck is such a valuable player, though managers seem to have trouble fitting him in since he’s not a typical striker. His finishing is often pretty rubbish, if occasionally brilliant (He’s been very good for England though). Still, his pace and deceptively long strides, plus his skill on the ball and his balance make him such a creative player. Not polished, but the good definitely outweighs the bad, despite what the critics prefer to dwell on. Wayne Rooney’s inclusion needs no discussion. Neither should Daniel Sturridge’s. They are the two highest scoring English players in the EPL this year. Sturridge took a while to find a role (and a team) that suited him. His emergence at Liverpool has come as little surprise to those who’ve followed him for a while.

That leaves a single spot for another striker. It comes down to Ricky Lambert vs Andy Carroll. I see the merit in either of them. The thing that swings it as far as I’m concerned is Carroll’s aerial ability. You can’t forget that crushing left boot of his either, even if Sam Allardyce has (relying on high crosses to utilise his target man with West Ham). Carroll is a more easily applied talent. Ricky Lambert is probably a bit more of a complete player but the upside isn’t as high. Plus Carroll has been to a major tournament before. Maybe he won’t be used here, but down by 1 with 10 minutes to play, he’s not a bad option to throw in the box. He certainly caused Spurs some fits recently, and he has the physical stature to do the same against some Italians too. You need your subs to be valuable and effective, and Lambert simply doesn’t add anything that the players ahead of him in the pecking order cannot do better. Subbing him on at any time other than for an injury is weakening your team. He’s a good player and he’ll play for England again. Just not at this World Cup.

Wayne Rooney (Manchester United), Daniel Sturridge (Liverpool), Danny Welbeck (Manchester United), Andy Carroll (West Ham)