Last Week: 7/10

Overall: 33/70

Crystal Palace vs West Bromwich Albion

Hey, check it out. 7 outta 10 last week, it’s early days but that’s a personal best. Pats on the back for me, thank you, thank you very much. I got lucky with West Ham’s late equaliser against Norwich, while I got unlucky with Everton coming from 2-0 down to score one too many goals and win 3-2 in a game I wanted them to draw. Romelu Lukaku finally got warning that I’d dropped him from my fantasy team, the bugger. The other two I missed were the City and Chelsea results and I’ll trade my picks for dropped points there every week of the season. Can I do that? Is that an option?

I’ve been getting away with Palace results recently too. A 70th minute penalty got them the points and me the pick last week at Watford. Their last 6 results have all been decided by a goal and yet they’ve gone 20 games without a draw (only City have a longer current streak – 21 games). Against an equally sound West Brom team, it’s about time that a Palace deadlock goes unbroken.

Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0

Manchester City vs Newcastle United

A short glance at the bottom of the table and you see a couple of Tyne-siders, Newcastle and Sunderland. The funny thing is that although their situations are the same, they’re in pretty contrasting states. Sunderland are just an abysmal football team (apparently full of drunkards) that are sitting exactly where they deserve to be while Newcastle have actually played very well in a few games – specifically against Arsenal, Man Utd and Chelsea – but they aren’t really a cohesive team yet. At least the draw against Chelsea means we can temporarily stop having to listen to old Englishmen saying there are too many passionless foreigners in the team. How can you possibly look at guys like Mitrovic, Janmaat and Wijnaldum and think ‘passionless’?

Anyway, they’ll probably get pasted here by City but Schteve McLaren deserves the time to sort things out and given it I believe he will. City, though, have won 15 of 17 against the Toon and drawn the other 2. David Silva and Joe Hart made their returns in the Champions League midweek. They don’t tend to lose too many when those two and Sergio Aguero all play. Plus they’re in need of a rebound after losing to Spurs.

Wildcard’s Pick: City 3-1

Aston Villa vs Stoke City

Tim Sherwood is the Scarecrow of Premier League management. Lots of heart but when it comes to tactical acumen, you know…

Poor fella’s destined to become the new Harry Redknapp, swooping in late in seasons to avoid relegation then getting sacked the next season when the glitter stops shining.

Wildcard’s Pick: Stoke are coming right, 1-0 to them. Villa have me worried.

Bournemouth vs Watford

The injury to Callum Wilson is just tragic for Bournemouth. They were gonna have enough trouble hanging in there even with his goals but now they don’t have them either. Six months he’ll be gone for with the ACL tear he got last week. Six long, agonising months. This after they’d already had long-term injuries to Tyrone Mings and Max Gradel. Did Eddie Howe break a mirror? Did he walk under a ladder? Open an umbrella inside? Wilson was such a great looking player too, every bit as effective as Danny Ings was for Burnley last season and with the potential to pass Charlie Austin’s season for QPR. This is a devastating loss for the Cherries.

Your turn, Glenn Murray.

Wildcard’s Pick: 0-0

Norwich City vs Leicester City

He’s got 5 assists already but Wes Hoolahan’s name is way too funny for anyone to take him seriously as a footy player. Sounds more like a cartoon milkman than an athlete. Maybe if he changed his handle to Hoolahinho?

Wildcard’s Pick: 2-2

Sunderland vs West Ham United

In lieu of having to write anymore about Sunderland (though I’m tempted to have a go at their apparent ‘booze culture’), here’s an inspiring Croatian rock song. The anthem for their Euro 2008 campaign, no less. See if you recognise the guitarist, Hammers fans:

All together now: Vatreno! Ludilo kad krene! VATRENO!!!

Wildcard’s Pick: West Ham 2-1

Chelsea vs Southampton

I dunno, as tempting as it is to have Chelsea dropping points, and as much as Southampton seem like a perfect side for them to drop points to… I can’t see it happening for some reason. Fast, skilful wingers like Sadio Mane and Dusan Tadic have been giving Chelsea kittens all season. A big-ass target man who’s strong in the air sounds like a problem for a defence that’s been prone to mental blunders now and then. Not to mention the typically stingy Saints back four up against a CFC team without Diego Costa in the last game of his suspension. Chelsea have conceded a PL-high 45 shots on target while Southampton have copped the fewest with only 17. Everything about this says Southampton are an awful team to play for the Blues as they scrap and blunder their way through whatever’s going on. Maybe that’s the problem: it seems a little too obvious. I don’t trust this game.

Wildcard’s Pick: Chelsea 1-0

Everton vs Liverpool

The man walks swiftly with his head hidden beneath his hat and the upturned collar of his long, dark coat. His footsteps resonate throughout the underground carpark, clicking against the concrete. Otherwise all is silent. It is late and the place is empty. His shadow follows behind him, stretched across the empty ground by the dull, flickering light hanging above him. He makes his way purposefully towards the only car left in the building. There is another man sitting in the driver’s seat, reading a newspaper. He places it down at his side as the man in the coat gets in beside him. No greetings are exchanged.

“Did you get the message?”

“Yes, but I don’t understand. Why are we delaying the plan like this?”

“The time isn’t right. It’s still too soon.”

“Too soon? The pieces were all in place! All we had to do was delay our inside agent from returning last week and we could have been rid of the problem already.”

“I understand, but I’m only acting on higher orders.”

“Higher orders. Who are these people? I’ve never even met them.”

“Neither have I. But I know there are powerful people involved in this thing, it’s best not to ask questions. Here, these are your instructions for this week.”

The driver reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a folded envelope. He handed it over. The man in the coat snatched at it and tore it open. He scanned over the printed letter inside, brow furrowing as he did so.

“But… it says we wait another week. This is ridiculous!”

The driver looked over at him with a stern glance.

“You just keep quiet and do what you’re told and everything will work out. He’ll be gone soon enough.”

“Soon enough isn’t soon enough! He’s changing the formation every bloody week! He played Danny Ings as a winger the other game, he’s lost the dressing room. Enough is enough.”

“You need to calm down. Take another look in that envelope.”

He did. Turning it upside down, out fell a plane ticket. Return, Liverpool to Los Angeles.

“What’s this?”

“That’s for you. It’s time you met the man behind this. Your flight leaves in two hours, you’d better hurry up.”

Wildcard’s Pick: Hmm... another draw.

Arsenal vs Manchester United

The greatest rivalry of the Premier League era. I will accept no alternative, not Arsenal-Spurs, not Chelsea-The Rest of London… not even Man Utd-Liverpool (though if you wanna open it up to all-time then that gets the vote).

To me, nothing top those formative years of mine (this crap is always down to nostalgia) watching Henry and Van Nistelrooy score goals, Wenger and Ferguson yapping on the sidelines, Keane and Vieira actually trying to kill each other. What a competition this always was.

WC’s Top Five Arsenal vs Man Utd Moments:

5) Schmeichel vs Wright (1997)

In a previous game, striker Ian Wright had accused United’s Danish keeper of racially abusing him. The FA found no evidence and dismissed it, so Wright took things into his own hands… well, his feet… with this ugly lunge.

4) Thierry Henry’s Goal (2000)

You know the one, the flick, spin and smack. It’s the goal you dreamed of scoring every Saturday at the park and this sumbitch did it in the Premier League. There’s never been another like ol’ Thierry (though Anthony Martial’s got his fans).

3) Keano Goes Off At Vieira (2005)

Never one to keep his mouth shut at the best of times, Roy Keane let loose at Patrick Vieira in the tunnel before a game at Highbury, apparently for picking on Gary Neville in some way or another. This was probably the most famous of a long list of clashes between the pair, who for a while had the most exciting and violent midfield rivalry in the world.

2) The Battle of Old Trafford (2003)

I’m not sure I’ve ever been madder at a footballer than I was at that wanker Martin Keown when this happened. 0-0 between the teams, Vieira already sent off, United win a late penalty for the victory… but Ruudy Ruud steps up and pings the crossbar. RVN was never the most popular among the Gunners (it was him in the challenge that got Paddy his second yellow… and Keown who conceded the spot kick) and they got all up in his face to let him know all about how he’d cost his side the game. Keown, Vieira, Luaren and Ray Parlour would spend a combined 9 games suspended while Arsenal was handed a record £175,000 fine. They still won the Fair Play Award that season though.

1) The Battle of the Buffet (2004)

The most mental of them all. First up, this was the game in which Arsenal’s legendary 49 game unbeaten streak came to an end. Coming the season after the Battle of OT, tempers were well and truly discarded early on, the referee letting several dodgy tackles go unpunished. With 17 minutes left, Wayne Rooney and Ryan Giggs exchange a couple sweet passes, Rooney then going down under the challenge of Sol Campbell. Penalty given, up stepped Ruud Van Nistelrooy and he dispatched the demons of the last incarnation of this fixture into the bottom corner of the goal. Wayne Rooney added a second goal late on for a 2-0 win, but it was in the tunnel afterwards when this game achieved peak infamy. Campbell refused to shake Rooney’s hand, accusing him of diving for the penalty (which he did) and no shirts were exchanged between the sides. Henry had a sustained dig at MUFC keeper Roy Carroll, while Mr Wenger got some words in at RVN for a filthy challenge on Ashley Cole (which Ruud was later banned for three games for). Ferguson got involved, telling Wenger to leave his players alone and Wenger supposedly replied “What are you going to do about it?” At which point a slice of pizza hit Fergie in the face and the whole fracas evaporated into awkward, tense silence. To this day nobody knows who threw the slice, though the rumour is it was a 17 year old unused sub named Cesc Fabregas.

Notable exclusions: The 2003 FA Cup game that Arsenal won after which Fergie kicked a boot into David Beckham’s eye; Arsenal winning the 2001-02 League at Old Trafford; The 21 man brawl of 1990; the FA Cup final of 2005 that went to penalties; Eight-Two.

Looking at Per Mertesacker trying to hold his team accountable for losing in the Champions League, it makes me wonder where the leadership on the field is coming from with this team. Petr Cech is the only guy there who strikes you as a dominant figure. I mean, people are always saying they need a player like Patrick Vieira but maybe it’s only his ruthlessness that they need. United are definitely more tenacious with Schweinsteiger in there, he’s a player who seems to be able to mentally will his team onwards. There hasn’t been any of that in the Arsenal team for a decade and that’s probably why they seem so brittle. Jack Wilshere is the obvious candidate. If only there was a cure for glass bones and paper skin…

Arsenal can’t beat top four teams unless it’s an FA Cup game. A draw sounds tempting only I’m not sure Arsenal will be able to score and I’m sceptical they’ve ever got a clean sheet in them. Not with Martial running directly at their centre backs and Juan Mata doing things like this:

Wildcard’s Pick: Manchester United 2-0

Swansea City vs Tottenham Hotspur

Spurs have only lost one Premier League game this season, they were never in a slump. That one game was a tight loss to Man United too, a Kyle Walker own goal the entirety of the scoring. If they hadn’t blown leads to Stoke and Leicester then they’d be tied for first place. First freakin’ place. While they were ‘struggling’, Christian Eriksen was injured, the game against City was the first time he and Son Heung-Min had started together. When those two and Harry Kane are playing together, this team has goals in them, and Erik Lamela, jeez, forget about him. He’s superb at his best but he’s kinda stupid and entirely left-footed in a ‘will only ever shoot on his left’ sort of way. But with those other two attacking mids there with him, he’s free to be himself which is gonna finally get something outta him. He’s able to be the luxury player that he is. Lots of enthusiasm, hardly any substance to it. But dammit when he hits that 1 outta 10 shot you won’t forget it in a hurry. Credit to Dier and Alli in midfield too, that’s now the first choice duo. Two Englishmen with a combined age of 40.

Haaaaaving said all that, Swansea is a brutal place to play and Spurs will be coming off a Europa Leaguer which is never the best for them. They have a great record against the Swans though, so I’m taking a draw.

Wildcard’s Pick: 1-1