People. Drop whatever you’re doing. Call in sick for work (like Raheem Sterling). If you’re already at work, then dash off to the bathroom, lock yourself in a stall and get to work on your monthly data. If you’re home from work already, then pour a glass and get down to business. Fantasy Premier League is back and your team needs building.

Fantasy Premier League. It’s the first concrete milestone on the path towards the new season. The first one that really kicks it all into reality – the football season is about to start! The second is seeing the games in the TV guide, the third is reading the previews. But first things first, right?

Consider this your welcoming into The Niche Cache Invitational league. FPL’s most prestigious and elite league, and you’re invited. Let’s see some rapid team names, folks. Tell ya friends.

League Code: 833985-204583

Of course, the TNC Invitational is a highly competitive league and you’ll need your wits about you to keep up with the best of the best and claim the title (if you’re lucky there’ll be a prize or something). We’re not gonna tell you how to use your transfer wildcards, how to arrange your bench or name your captain. But we will give you some advice on picking your team. You’re welcome.

FPL 2015/16. Boom. Let’s do this.

Forwards

You wanna pick these guys first so you don’t run out of cash and have to go tinkering. There are only so many ways in which you can score points in FPL. You get nothing for passing percentages, nothing for tackles and nothing for clever play. Sure, there are points for clean sheets and saves but there is only one currency to build your team around and that is goals.

Goals and assists, this is where your points will come from, so it’s imperative to get a hold of at least one elite striker. Someone you can rely on to play most weeks and who will threaten the back of the net in every one of them.

There are a few of those guys going around. The top four are where you wanna spend the big chunks of your budget, they score the most goals after all. Plus it so happens that each has a clear and definitive number one striker. Diego Costa at Chelsea, Wayne Rooney at Man Utd, Olivier Giroud at Arsenal and Sergio Aguero at Man City. Aguero is the best in the business and that’s reflected in his price. Damn, though, he’ll score you goals. Rooney could have a stormer as the lone striker for United. Robin Van Persie is gone, Falcao is gone, nobody else has come in (yet). The last time he played exclusively in the number 9 role he went and top scored (the first post-Ronaldo season). Giroud isn’t as prolific as the others since Arsenal score a lot of goals from midfield, while Costa has an injury/suspension threat. Don’t let that hold you back. All four of those dudes are class.

Graziano Pelle scored good goals for Southampton last season however he was very streaky. Plus the return of James Rodriguez could limit him. Likewise, Harry Kane is a thorny one because that last campaign is gonna be brutal to repeat. A lot of the lesser teams have their go-to guys and some of them are well worth a look, but be careful relying on players who aren’t gonna have the same level of service.

Needless to say, players who’ll mostly come off the bench are pretty worthless. Don’t take second-option players unless you know they’ll be getting chances. For example, Christian Benteke with Liverpool so long as Sturridge is out. Having said that, if Dan Sturridge can get a run of health going, then he’s worth a punt. One of the better finishers in the league.

Romelu Lukaku’s been a solid performer for a couple seasons now. Saido Berahino knows how to bang them in too, keep an eye on him because his (expected) transfer to Spurs might see him playing off the bench a bit. Callum Wilson scored buckets of goals in the Championship for Bournemouth last season, he’s a possible breakthrough option. Same for Patrick Bamford on loan at Palace and Troy Deeney of Watford.

Sleepers:

Christian Benteke – 8.5

Bafetimbi Gomis – 7.0

Patrick Bamford – 6.0

Jermain Defoe – 5.5

Callum Wilson – 5.5

Superstars:

Sergio Aguero – 13.0

Diego Costa – 11.0

Wayne Rooney – 10.5

Harry Kane 9.5

Olly Giroud – 9.0

Midfielders

Again, you want goals from you midfield. Either scoring or directly supplying. Guys like Michael Carrick and Nemanja Matic may be outstanding players but they are rarely involved in goals and thus pretty unserviceable. Remember, this isn’t a real team you’re building, it’s a fantasy team. Pick five attacking midfielders, they’ll do fine.

The best kind of fantasy midfielder is the kind that isn’t even a real midfielder. Outside forwards or advanced playmakers, labelled as midfielders only because they’re not really strikers either. Players that’ll get a centre-forward’s chances but score midfield points for them. Keep an eye on Memphis Depay doing exactly this in behind Wayne Rooney for Man United. Tell you what, Theo Walcott might get some minutes at striker too, not a terrible bloke to be stashed on the bench (expensive gamble though at 9.0).

Hazard and Sanchez are bound to show up on the top scorer’s chart again. Chances are you can’t afford both but they’re each worth what you’ll get them for. You can always take the flutter of picking a salary dump player on the bench (worth 4.0 or whatever) to create more room for your stars, though that’s risky.

Cesc Fabregas, Mesut Ozil, Juan Mata, David Silva, Yaya Toure, Santi Cazorla and the likes will all score goals and create goals. Money well spent. Every positional category is gonna be skewed towards top four talent for reasons already discussed, but there are plenty of lads outside there with genuine gun potential.

Look at Liverpool. Jordan Henderson feels like a steal at 7.0. He’s not a huge goal scorer, yet he’s often found in and around the box. Gotta think he’s good for some solid points. James Milner is another interesting one, as well as Coutinho and Firmino. Still, they can’t all hog the glory at once, there’s a proper possibility that they take points off each other by sharing them around. Arsenal’s quantities in midfield carry the same concern.

Christian Eriksen at Spurs is a fantasy monster, perhaps his teammate Eric Lamela might finally live up to the hype in 2015/16 too? Andre Ayew is an exciting player, he’s just moved to Swansea. New buddies Ki Sung-Yeung and Gylfi Sigurdsson are quality too. West Ham’s new boy Dimitri Payet did plenty on attack in France last season. Nathan Redmond is a boomer for Norwich.

Ross Barkley has gotten huge raps only for injury to slow him down last time. He’s one to look twice at for Everton. Aston Villa got good things out of their midfield towards the end of the previous season, Jack Grealish and Scott Sinclair are keen to explode. Southampton have some killer wingers in Sadio Mane and Dusan Tadic, however don’t ignore young Englishman James Ward-Prowse. He’s a positive-minded player with a magnificent dead-ball delivery. Could be a goer if he’s getting the starts.

Funny to say this but Crystal Palace have a couple curious prospects in Yannick Bolasie and Yohan Cabaye. It’s gonna take the Eagles having a big season to see the returns, a possibility that seems far more likely after a great summer of transfer business.

And of course, there’s the question of Raheem Sterling. How’s he gonna go at City? A price of 9.0 and a more attacking role suggests good value. Definitely intriguing.

Sleepers:

Memphis Depay – 8.5

Dimitri Payet – 7.5

Jordan Henderson – 7.0

Yohan Cabaye – 6.5

Ross Barkley – 6.5

Superstars:

Eden Hazard – 11.5

Alexis Sanchez – 11.0

David Silva – 10.0

Cesc Fabregas – 9.0

Raheem Sterling – 9.0

Defenders

Defenders are the trickiest lot to pick. They’re pretty cheap but you need five of them and defenders hard to judge. Picking them because they might score is a big risk. Although they get six points for a goal (strikers four and midfielders five), they rarely hit the back of the net. There are a couple exceptions. Chelsea defenders get the odd net-buster, John Terry and Branislav Ivanovic in particular, while Leighton Baines is a near necessity given that he takes set-pieces for Everton. But on the whole what you’re looking for is consistent selection.

That’s because defenders get points for clean sheets and the points are given non-discriminately. If Chelsea keep a team scoreless on the back of some Terry/Courtois heroics, that pair aren’t the only ones who benefit. Any defender who played at least 60 minutes gets points for that clean sheet, so given that Cesar Azpilicueta is a full unit cheaper than John Terry, he’s a good bet. Southampton are a team that deal in clean sheets (plus they like a consistent back four – at this stage: Ryan Bertrand/Jose Fonte/Maya Yoshida/Cedric Soares), they always have some cheap dudes in there. West Brom under Tony Pulis can be expected to do alright in that regard (look at Joleon Lescott) as can Stoke, typically (Geoff Cameron & Ryan Shawcross). And of course your top six teams are always the ones to look at first. Defenders from the lesser teams had better be regulars because otherwise they’re holding you back with their leaky numbers – unless you choose that route of weakening your bench to get better starters (and hoping they don’t get injured or suspended).

One such fella could be Tyrone Mings at Bournemouth. He’s been an absolute champ for Ipswich and has just made the step up to the Premier League. He could easily bust through like Kieran Tripper did for Burnley last season (now at Spurs), the only problem is whether he can muster the fantasy numbers to reflect the hoped-for performances. There is a precedent: Aaron Creswell made the jump from Ipswich fullback to the Prem. last time out… he was West Ham’s player of the season.

Sleepers:

Cesar Azpilicueta – 6.0

Aaron Creswell – 5.5

Toby Alderweireld – 5.0

Tyrone Mings – 4.5

Maya Yoshida – 4.5

Superstars:

Branislav Ivanovic – 7.0

John Terry – 7.0

Leighton Baines – 6.5

Laurent Koscielny – 6.0

Vincent Kompany – 6.0

Goalkeepers

No goalie is priced over 5.5 so it’s easy to leave them ‘til last.

Fraser Forster, on the back of playing for a very stingy Southampton team, is one of the superstars here but be careful since he’s injured for at least the first part of the season. Martin Stekelenburg is an able replacement, so look for him to get those minutes initially but be careful of the switch if Forster comes back ahead of schedule.

Obviously David De Gea (if he’s there ad he should be) and Thibault Courtois are the best glovemen. Courtois is the better fantasy option though, that’s because Chelsea keep more clean sheets than United. And since keepers are never gonna score (and hardly ever set any goals up), clean sheets are what you’re looking for here. The best keeper doesn’t matter as much as the best defensive unit in front of him does. A big advantage is that there tends not to be much rotation between the sticks, so it’s easier to tell who’ll play and who won’t.

One trick with keepers is to pick two from the same team. They call this ‘handcuffing’. If the number one is injured then the number two steps in, no worries. The flipside is that you’re then relying on one team’s defence to get your keeper points every week. That’s a matchup problem in its lack of variety, not to mention the fact that the better teams (who are the only ones you’d risk this tactic for) often find themselves with a couple empty gameweeks as European commitments see postponements. That means a double gameweek down the track, granted.