The Wildcard’s Premier League Predictions - Week 5
Last Week: 4/10
Overall: 17/40
Everton vs Chelsea
Welcome back to normality from what was a surprisingly entertaining international week. Rooney scored a couple goals! He broke a record! Harry Kane scored too! England keep winning! Holland keep losing! Iceland! Bale’s Wales! Scotland 3-4 Germany! Fabian Delph got injured!
Okay, that last one wasn’t so shocking. Also, the less mentioned about the All Whites travesty of a game the better (DO NOT CLICK HERE, YOU SADOMASOCHISTIC RASCAL!).
Anyway, like that first, mournful cup of tea after you get home from a refreshing holiday, it’s time to slip immediately back into the usual routine. Luckily the usual routine means games like this beaut, and Everton have a shockingly good record at home to Chelsea. A couple recent losses taint it slightly but they’ve 4 wins and a draw in the last 7 meetings at Goodison. Both teams needed the break, what with CFC’s troubles and EFC’s run of ruthless games, though I kinda think the Evertonians will have used it better.
Romelu Lukaku against his old team, John Stones against his probable future team...
Interesting to see if Mourinho rings a few changes, although Ivanovic will enjoy this one more than any other game this season. No pacey wingers to twist him and turn him.
All the same, I’ve got a funny feeling in my tummy that Everton are gonna get something out of this game and I don’t think it was the noodles I had for lunch (though let’s not count that possibility out).
Wildcard’s Pick: Uno to uno. Yeah, you heard me, a draw.
Arsenal vs Stoke City
I thought Stoke City were a bit of a bogey team for Arsenal but it turns out that only counts away from home. They’ve actually won seven in a row when they’ve hosted the Potters. In that case, no problems here for Alexis and company.
In other news, both Danny Welbeck and Jack Wilshere have had injury set-backs. Reminds me of this belter of a jam:
Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 to the Gunners.
Crystal Palace vs Manchester City
Look, at some point City are gonna drop points, right? At some point they’ll concede a goal. Crystal Palace have acquitted themselves mighty finely against Arsenal and Chelsea so far and they’re a dangerous team play. Plus I think that City are slightly vulnerable at the moment after the Kevin De Bruyne transfer. This is a big money import and a player who’s missed out at this level before. They’re presumably gonna bring him in on the right for Jesus Navas and from what I’ve seen of KDB I’m not at all convinced that he’ll thrive there. In fact I’d be wary of doing anything to a starting XI that’s been so convincing so far. But then there’s Otamendi expecting to play eventually as well. Manny Pellegrini hasn’t always been the most inspiring manager, even if he’s been undeniably great in his tenure to date. How he handles the new imbalance in this team is gonna be crucial. To be honest, there shouldn’t be a problem so long as they keep winning.
Palace are gonna be a challenge, possibly City’s toughest to date (given how awful Chelsea were). However they’re much better suited to playing away for some reason under Pardew. And City have no issues with being on the road. 10 wins in a row, they’ll drop one soon and it might be here. I won’t be betting on it though.
Wildcard’s Pick: 1-0 to City. Yaya loves playing Palace.
Norwich City vs Bournemouth
Wildcard’s Pick: As in, zero-zero. As in 0-0. As in a goalless draw. Comprende?
Watford vs Swansea City
The more I watch Swansea, the more impressive they are. There literally is not a better English manager than Garry Monk in football at the moment. And Bafetimbi Gomis is just fantasy gold, like if you don’t have him in your team at the… argh wait, I forgot to set my fantasy line up. Excuse me a moment, will ya?
Wildcard’s Pick: Swansea claim a win on English soil, it’s a historic time for Welsh footy at the moment.
West Bromwich Albion vs Southampton
Dear Mr Pulis,
My name is Saido and I am writing to say sorry, yeah? I was well out of order when I said I wouldn’t play again and all that, so I just want to apologise and tell ya that I’m all good to go this weekend, ya know? I, umm, ain’t mad or nothing. Hopefully you ain’t either coz I really do wanna play. Especially since Uncle Woy said I weren’t gonna play for England if I weren’t gonna play for West Brom. So, like, if you could pick me in the side this week that’d be well awesome. Honest to God, I’ll score a hat-trick for ya. Just don’t ask me to shake the chairman’s hand, coz that bloke, he’s not right in the head. Spurs was offering good money and he’s all: Nah, mate, I’d rather chuck Saido in the reserves than let him play for the team he wants to play for. Prick. But whatever, I’m over it. Don’t even care anymore.
Yeah, cheers and all that,
Saido Berahino
(By the way, did you know Saido Berahino was a ten year old Burundian refugee who lost his father in the civil war there, escaping to England with a friend of his mothers and reuniting with his mother and sisters a couple years later? Puts that transfer saga in a different light, doesn’t it? Multi-millionaires scrapping over the playing rights of a 22 year old.
Wildcard’s Pick: Drawskees.
Manchester United vs Liverpool
It’s like someone scripted it all for him. Fresh from breaking the England goal-scoring record, Wayne Rooney gets to return to Old Trafford to face Liverpool! As a United/Everton lad, that’s surely Big Bad #1 in his eyes. Hey, maybe he’ll even score a goal?
More important than Rooney’s goals for Man Utd are the performances of the midfielders around him. Depay has been brilliant in the Champions League but we haven’t seen it domestically yet while Juan Mata’s been a bit quiet and the no.10 role is anyone’s to grab. Herrera didn’t take it by the horns against Swansea but you’d figure he gets another chance. If not him, perhaps Mata, with Young coming onto the other flank. Martial is an option as a wide player (or up top and Rooney deeper) but given the enormous fee they dumped on his head, that might be a bit much to ask in his first game to start against Liverpool. The margin for error in this game is pretty minimal.
Which is why it’ll be nice for LVG to reintegrate David De Gea, a genuine possibility.
For Liverpool though, it’s hard to tell where their season is headed. Coutinho saved them against Stoke, the linesman saved them against Bournemouth and Arsenal saved them against Arsenal. Then they got thrashed 3-0 at Anfield by West Ham. Huh!?
It’s not been very fluid for either of these teams yet, especially on attack, but the Man Utd defence is easily the better one. Even against Benteke, Smalling and Blind should be okay – though two strikers might give them trouble, it did when Swansea switched it up that way. They’re each defenders who’ll thrive when they’re given time to do what they do.
Memphis vs Clyne is gonna be great to watch.
Oh, man, and I almost forgot about this too! (It’s been a busy day, forgive me)
Michael Owen picking his combination MUFC/LFC XI, which of course he is most qualified to do because he played for both clubs. Some might argue that such an ‘achievement’ should render his opinions on any matter irrelevant, but nonetheless:
Owen’s team: De Gea / Darmian, Skrtel, Smalling, Shaw / Carrick, Schweinsteiger / Coutinho, Rooney, Memphis / Benteke
Wildcard’s team: De Gea / Clyne, Smalling, Jones, Shaw / Carrick, Schneiderlin, Milner / Mata / Benteke, Rooney
None of that fancy schmancy 4-2-3-1 for me, mate. Gimme two strikers every day of the week. Get that focal point as far up the field as possible. Plus I just really like Schneiders and Milner. Two supreme midfielders who work so hard off the ball, rarely make mistakes and make the players around them so much better. Which is the definition of Michael Carrick’s career, too, actually. Henderson was hard to leave out, Memphis and Coutinho too, but I like Mata’s link play a lot more. Clyne gets in for his added attacking threat over the superior defence of Darmian (no wingers in this gig, gotta get those fullbacks high). And a team with both Benteke and Rooney is gonna score three goals a game with just a little bit of service. Btw, I’m picturing it as a diamond midfield too. Schneiders at the base, Mata up top, but it’ll be fluid.
Wildcard’s Pick: 2-0 to United.
Sunderland vs Tottenham Hotspur
Wildcard’s Pick: Citizen Kane to get off the mark in a 3-1 Spurs win.
Leicester City vs Aston Villa
A theory: The LCFC party is coming to an end and the hard work’s about to begin. They’ve definitely been playing above their average and the Foxes are due to plummet back down to the mean any day now. But come the end of the season they’re gonna be grateful for this early burst of points. Aston Villa seem better than they’re being credited for. Scott Sinclair is on absolute fire.
Wildcard’s Pick: Villans by a cheeky goal.
West Ham United vs Newcastle United
Two teams in a similar level of transition, each with a new manager, each with a bunch of new signings as their chairmen show unprecedented levels of investment. On West Ham’s part it’s because of their new stadium and the rewards that’ll bring if they’re a half decent team when they start there. For Newcastle it’s just public pressure telling its toll finally. The Hammers seem the more adjusted after their win at Anfield and their deadline day business. Neither team is much for holding the ball but WHU seems to have a lil more bit to them. Picking them to finally put in a real shift at Upton Park. A few more like their losses to Leicester and Bournemouth and they’ll be counting down the days before they’re outta there.
Wildcard’s Pick: Hammers 2-1.