Apparently half the population of planet earth will watch at least part of the World Cup and you already know you’re one of them. In these times of partisan politics it can be difficult to find things which everybody agrees upon but the borderline ubiquitous World Cup is one thing that can still unite people. The Beautiful Game, baby.

So while you’re smashing back caffeine-based beverages in order to stay awake at these obscene game times, or even if you’re a sensible person who tapes the games and watches them in the morning, here are some things to keep an eye out for. From the predictably hilarious to the predictably unfortunate and all points in between. Make it a drinking game if you’re so inclined. Call it a scavenger hunt if you’d prefer. Or just have a little fun chilling within the global footy culture for a month, sweet as.

SCORE ONE POINT FOR EVERY TIME…

The year 1966 is mentioned during an England game.

Harry Kane says something inaudible in an interview.

A goal is scored directly from a set piece (penalty or free kick) after a blatant dive.

The commentator tries to dodge controversy by playing up “a little bit of contact there” after one of those dives.

A commentator or pundit expresses distrust in the VAR system.

A quarter point for every television cutaway to either an extremely attractive fan or an extremely unattractive hooligan with his shirt off in the crowd. Four quarters equals one point (duh) but points reset after each game (in other words, you need four per game… but multiple cutaways to the same people still count).

Pele’s face is shown in the crowd more than twice during a Brazil game. Bonus point if he waves to the camera.

Ditto for Diego Maradona during an Argentina game.

Ditto for any member of England’s 1966 champion team.

Real Madrid are linked with a player you’d never heard of before the day after they play a great game for their country at the World Cup.

Cristiano Ronaldo takes his shirt off after scoring a goal.

Cristiano Ronaldo cries.

Double points for every Englishman who misses a penalty (regular time or shootout).

Two French players argue heatedly. Bonus points for any punches/slaps/audible obscenities thrown.

An American, Italian, Dutch, Chilean or Welsh flag is visible in the crowd. Triple points if it’s the New Zealand flag.

There is a pitch invader. Bonus point if it’s a streaker. Triple points if he manages to kick the ball. Quintuple points if he gets it into the back of the net.

A point for every clean nutmeg throughout the tournament. (Possession must be maintained!).

Sepp Blatter turns up and is shown shaking hands with some mysterious billionaire or sheik. Bonus points if you actually see the suitcase changing hands.

The Daily Mail (scum) print an offensive headline about Raheem Sterling.

One for every attempted bicycle kick.

An own goal is scored.

A red card is given. Double points if it’s Sergio Ramos, Luis Suarez, Pepe, Nicolás Otamendi, Diego Costa, Nemanja Matić, Granit Xhaka or Phil Jones.

The phrase “Total Football” is mentioned.

Lionel Messi scores the winning goal in any game.

Brazil’s team is unfavourably compared to previous World Cup winning Brazilian teams.

There’s some silly news story about an animal ‘predicting’ the next game.

A game is won by five or more goals.

An African team is referred to as full of attacking quality but suspect at the back.

An Asian team is referred to as technically gifted but lacking in size or physicality.

A European team is referred to as cynical or overly defensive.

A South American team is referred to as temperamental or dirty.

The Germans are referred to as “efficient”.

One point if a manager resigns after his team is eliminated, two points if they’re sacked and three if it happens while their team is still in the tournament.

A small child cries in the crowd after their team is kicked out.

Neymar does something petulant (up to your own discretion).

A point if there is a Mexican Wave. Extra point if it’s during a Mexico game.

And one for every tenth “ole” from the crowd.

Somebody blames their team’s defeat on the new World Cup ball.

Vladimir Putin watches sternly from the VIP box during a Russia game.

Vladimir Putin smiles.

A player other than Lionel Messi is referred to as his nation’s version of Lionel Messi.

Andy Martin manages somehow to attend a game or two using NZ Football funds.

An ex-player turned pundit blames the disappointing performances of his country’s team on social media, video games or lazy millennials.

A video of a commentator calling a famous goal in a language other than English goes viral.

A Spanish-speaking commentator exceeds ten full seconds of “Goooooooooooooooolazo!”

A tournament favourite (not England) is bundled out in the group stages.

England is bundled out in the group stages.

A point if you hear each of the phrases: ‘dark horse’, ‘group of death’ and ‘golden boot’ within the space of any 24 hour period.

Any mispronunciation of a player’s name so bad that somebody you’re watching with actually laughs out loud.

A hat-trick is scored.

An animal breaks onto the field during a game (birds don’t count).

German coach Joachim Low is caught on camera with his finger up his nose.

Anyone is bitten, headbutted or karate-kicked during a game.

One point for every 0-0 draw which you watch from start to finish because you deserve it.

Gareth Southgate wears a vest.

Zlatan Ibrahimovic is mentioned during a Sweden game. Doesn’t have to be a commentator, could be your mate sitting next to you.

If Serbia ever have eleven men on the park at one time whose names end in ‘ić’ or if Iceland ever doesn’t have eleven men on the park at one time whose names end in ‘son’.

Donald Trump tweets disparagingly about the World Cup because America isn’t in it.

Nigeria’s excellent fashion line sells out down at your local kit supplier.

You’re asked during your daily life to explain the offside rule by somebody who doesn’t normally follow the game.

Actually, make it a point for every annoying football rookie conversation you find yourself stuck in. Bonus points if you’re able to make a successful conversion.

Spain has in excess of 75% possession in a game.

Australia has at least three shots on target in a game.

A goalkeeper substitution happens immediately before a penalty shootout.

Tears during the national anthem from at least three players in the same starting line-up.

Alternatively (or additionally) if there’s an anthem protest of some description.

Two teams where distractingly similar jerseys despite the fact that should never happen.

A substituted player packs a big old sad at being replaced. Must be some physical exertion involved, not just sulkiness. Thinking kicked water bottles or punched dugouts, etc.

An injured player stays down and the other team doesn’t kick the ball out.

Every mention of New Zealand, same as always. Be on alert during Peru games.

A swear word is broadcast live and unbleeped during coverage of a match. You may need to brush up on other languages to cash in here. Post-match interviews are the obvious source.

Every time you see a headline regarding Russia’s problematic human rights record within the duration of the tournament.

Every time you see a headline regarding a protest regarding Russia’s problematic human rights record within the duration of the tournament.

A referee or a linesman (sorry, assistant referee) is hit by the ball or falls over.

An off-field scandal involving a star player. One point for drugs or alcohol, two for prostitutes and three for conspiracy to commit murder.

Aging pop star tries to gain some bandwagon momentum for their career with a World Cup theme song of some description. Probably tick this one off already.

Violence between Russian and English fans.

Brazil draws Germany in a knockout game again.

A point for every ridiculous commercial, advertisement or commercial tie-in that somehow tries to link a product or brand to football despite not being an official sponsor, therefore not being able to use any of FIFA’s trademarks (which is how you can tell).

You discover that the tournament has an anthropomorphic wolf called Zabivaka as a mascot.

The final goes to extra-time or penalties.

Double points if a winning player drops the trophy in the celebrations.

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