Footy Rhubarb

Another great week of Premier League action with some big games, big wins, and big upsets. Man Utd beat Arsenal 1-0 in the weekend’s blockbuster game to let the league know that they still have a big say in the title race. It was former Gunner RVP that got the winning goal but more than anything the game highlighted that Arsenal seem to fail to deliver in the big games. If Arsenal would have won it would have been a victory that would have even Wenger thinking of the title but Man Utd surely were never going to let that happen. The win was made bigger for Man Utd as Man City, Spurs, and Chelsea all dropped points.

Man City were stunned by a robust Sunderland performance as Gus Poyet’s revolution takes shape and Pellegrini is given more away day blues. Spurs managed to lose to Newcastle thanks to sloppy defence distribution, clinical finishing from Loic Remy, and an amazing performance by Tim Krul in the Toon goal. Chelsea could only manage a draw against West Brom at Stamford Bridge and were lucky not to lose as they received a very generous penalty late on. Hazard dispatched the penalty to maintain Mourinho’s record of 66 games unbeaten at Stamford Bridge. Liverpool also smashed a sorry Fulham 4-0 to put Martin Jol under intense pressure once again as Stoke and Swansea fought over an entertaining 3-3 draw. The game ended in controversial fashion as Swansea had fought back from 2-0 down to lead 3-2 until the referee gave a very bizarre penalty to allow Charlie Adam to equalize for Stoke in the 96th minute.

Team of the Week:

Krul (Newcastle)

Sagna (Arsenal)  Olsson (West Brom)     Skrtel (Liverpool)       Bardsley (Sunderland)

Routledge (Swansea)     Gerrard (Liverpool)         Lallana (Scum)  

           Rooney (Man Utd)          Suarez (Liverpool)           Remy (Newcastle)

Hero of the Week:

Rooney was a hero for Man Utd with his overall performance as well as assisting Van Persie to score the winner against his old club Arsenal in the biggest game of the weekend. Rooney was the sharpest player on the field and created something positive with every touch and without him playing it surely would have finished a draw.

This week’s hero though can only be one man, and that’s Tim Krul. The amount of vital saves he made was incredible and if he wasn’t playing then Newcastle wouldn’t have got a point let alone win! Spurs threw everything at Newcastle as they defended for their lives but it was the feet, hands, and torso of Krul that kept out the onslaught of Townsend, Soldado, Eriksen, Paulinho, Sigurdsson, Sandro, and Defoe. Countless times Krul was the only obstacle between Spurs and a goal as they got behind the defence several times but the Dutchman made himself impossible to beat with first class reactions and calming presence under pressure.

Nipple of the Week:

The nipple of the week is referee Neil Swarbrick. The Swansea vs Stoke game at the Liberty Stadium was a great advert for the Premier League with Swansea fighting back from 2-0 down to lead 3-2. It was a great action packed game and Swansea deserved to win but they were denied by a mental decision from Swarbrick. Deep into stoppage time there was a scramble in the box as Stoke pushed for an equaliser and suddenly the whistle went and the ref was pointing at the spot. Laudrup summed it up after the game when he pointed out that there were 7 Stoke players in the box and not one of them appealed for a penalty. Either Routledge or Williams was adjudged to have handled in the area but from the reply it looks like a shoulder is the closest thing to a handball in that period of play so where he saw a handball I don’t know. It spoiled what was a very good game with both teams playing good football in the first half. It was Swansea though who came out in the second half playing some great attacking fluid football and fully deserved to get back and win the game. It was a shame but Stoke will be relieved to not have lost after going in at half-time 2-0 up. The last minute penalty was a gift from Swarbrick and makes him nipple of the week, it still didn’t make Hughes smile though, is it even possible? Has Hughes ever smiled? What will it take!?

Flying Kiwis – November 11

Getty Images

Flying Kiwis will keep you up to date on the endeavours of New Zealand sports folk overseas. Not the battlers, mind you, but the genuine overlooked and underappreciated superstars that for some ridiculous reason don’t get a look in on local media.

Chris Wood – Leicester City (English Championship)

The Foxes had won 6 home games in a row, but lost this week to Nottingham Forest. Obviously because Wood was unavailable (what with All Whites duty and all). It’s a shame, since Wood seemed to have barged his way back into the starting lineup. Manager Nigel Pearson was definitely upset about it. Both Burnley and QPR drew, so Leicester didn’t lose much ground in the standings, holding on to second spot and automatic promotion as it stands. The good news is that Woody is fit and playing well, with a goal in each of his last two starts. He’ll be a key player against the Hombres.

Up Next: You’re kidding right?

Tommy Smith – Ipswich Town (English Championship)

Smith was unavailable for his game too, as clubs were forced to release players required for international duty according to head honchos at the FIFA Death Star. They were up against it defensively without their best centre half, but on attack they came through, with subs Frank Nouble and Paul Taylor scoring and striker Daryl Murphy bagging a stoppage time winner (after opponents Blackpool had equalised in the 88th). There’s no European footy next week at all. Bigger fish to fry.

Up Next: Come on, you know what’s up next

Marco Rojas – VfB Stuttgart (Bundesliga)

No Marco for Stuttgart, but he has been included in the All Whites squad, so he’s at least back in action. He may well have been toiling away in the reserves for a couple weeks, but what with the German and the language and the Google Translate (…and the glayvin!) it’s hard to tell. That doesn’t seem likely though, as he has only recently returned to full training. His 90 minute prospects vs Mexico are as unlikely as a Leo Bertos hat-trick (and almost as unlikely as a successful Bertos cross). For the record, Stutters won 3-1 and moved up to 8th on the Bundesliga table.

Up Next: Seriously?

Winston Reid – West Ham United (English Premier League)

West Ham lost 3-1 to Norwich, so clearly Reid didn’t play. We’ve all heard about his injury, which rules him out of the All Whites’ two playoffs vs Mexico. He damaged his ankle in training midweek, and the early word is that he could be out up to a couple months, though scans will confirm or deny this. First up, this isn’t Fat Sam pulling a sneaky one on NZ Football. Reid’s injury is of no advantage to West Ham at all. In fact, they are worse off than anyone from this (except Reid himself), losing their best player so far this season. And without him they didn’t look up to much vs Norwich.

So how do the All Whites cover him? Well Tommy Smith has been in good form for Ipswich. And thankfully Andrew Durante has pulled a Nathan Fien (minus Granny Gate) and switched his allegiance to the brighter side of the Tasman. Umm, Vicelich could play at the back too, but then we need him in the midfield... There’s not really any way to sugar coat this, Reid’s loss is a crushing blow to our hopes. He’s the captain of this team, and the best player playing at the highest level. A country like New Zealand simply cannot replace a guy of his stature. Ricky Herbert probably can’t be expected to switch up his formation, so there is the very real danger that Ben Sigmund gets the call up – a frightening prospect for the heart rates of kiwi fans.

Im devastated bout missing the games with country n club but these things happen some times

— Winston Reid (@WinstonReid2) November 6, 2013

But hopefully will be there in NZ to support the boys !! Get behind them !

— Winston Reid (@WinstonReid2) November 6, 2013

Up Next: OK – Thursday morning, 9am. Mexico vs New Zealand at the Azteca Stadium. FIFA World Cup Qualifying Playoff. It’s kind of a big deal.

Footy Rhubarb

Team of the Week:

                                                    Begovic(Stoke)

Zabaleta (Man City)   Caulker (Cardiff)   McAuley (West Brom)   Vertonghen (Spurs)

Ramsey (Arsenal)   Livermore (Hull)     Toure (Man City)      Silva (Man City)

                    Gouffran (Newcastle)                          Aguero (Man City)

Hero of the Week:

Caulker and Ramsey stick out to me as being heroes of the week as they both scored crucial goals in 2 very big games for their respective clubs. Caulker scored the winning goal in the South Wales derby – a first in the English top flight. For Cardiff and Swansea this was the first of the 2 biggest games of their seasons and for their fans the two times they meet each other this season could well be the biggest games of their lives. A proud day for both Welsh clubs but it was the home side Cardiff who got all 3-points thanks to their Captain and former Swansea player Steven Caulker. The England international leaped fantastically to fire his header in the bottom corner to raise the roof off the Millennium Stadium. It also put Cardiff one place above their Welsh rivals in the table as they distance themselves from the relegation zone. Basically Caulker has carved his name into Cardiff folklore in one of Cardiff’s proudest moments ever.

Ramsey is the other Hero for me after his fantastic goal made it 2-0 against Liverpool. It was a table topping tie that resulted in Arsenal going 5-points clear at the top, confirming that they are real title contenders this season. Ramsey was part of a hard-working midfield that included Rosicky, Cazorla, Ozil, and Arteta that put immense pressure on Liverpool in the final third. Liverpool weren’t playing too bad themselves and will be frustrated that they didn’t take their chances in front of goal. That however made Ramsey’s even more crucial as Sakho and Toure failed to close him down and that resulted in a thunderbolt of a goal. Ramsey is been a hero for the Gunners more than once this season and it looks like it could continue that way.

Nipple of the Week:

Sascha Riether is the nipple this week after his kick and stamp on Man Utd’s Adnan Januzaj. It wasn’t noticed by the refs as the game came to a close but as Januzaj and Fellaini were keeping the ball in the corner, Januzaj falls to the ground where Riether kicked him and then stamped on him. The score was 3-1 with seconds to go so the game was up so why be stupid and blatantly hurt another player? The final whistle was seconds away and in those last few seconds he could and should have been sent off – missing 3 games. This incident led to the first retrospective prosecution carried out by the FA Panel. The Panel is made of 3 former refs who make retrospective decisions on incidents that the referee didn’t see during a game. It could well be the first of many due to the poor eye-sight that refs seem to be suffering from recently. So Riether is in the record books, one to tell the grandchildren, nipple.  

Scribblings of a Fair Weather Friend - Round 4

It’s tough work following the Phoenix. All I wanted to do on a Monday night was wolf down some dinner and get involved with some z’s after a hard weekend.

Unfortunately, The Phoenix took on Melbourne Victory at the dreadful hour of 9.30, so I headed round to a mates place to make sure I didn’t miss a 3rd game in a row. No beers in the fridge, so instead I was able to let loose on the cold water and lollipops while we waited for bloody Downton Abbey to finish. Matt flicked over to Sky Sport 2, bang on time for the line-ups, which was all pretty predictable – Wellington typically 2nd best on paper (which is the case 8 times out of 9 – sorry Newcastle, but you are crap). Notably for the Nix, Stein Poorgesms somehow managed to start (again), BossDog Hernandez was in centre mid, and Old-but-gold Ifill had his feet up on the bench.

The boys must have been exploding with confidence, the last Kiwi team to win in Melbourne was only 11 years ago – and that was thanks to Harry ‘Don’t beat your missus’ Ngata for the Kingz! What a champion outfit they were. According to the cringe-worthy Aussie commentary team, it was 16 degrees, reasonably humid, and a really emotional day for Ernie Merrick – he was sacked by Melbourne in 2011 and never got to say goodbye to his boys :( Come on. He’s a Scotsman. He smashed back the whisky that night and has probably held a grudge ever since. I guess if by emotional, they meant blood thirsty, then they probably had a point.

Anyway, by the time I was into my 5th Allens lollipop, we were 10 minutes in. A few dodgy tackles and a couple of speculative efforts from Wellington suggested Ernie had grabbed each man by the nads and demanded a victory – the first 15 minutes was Premier League level excitement, but still very A-League in terms of quality. Melbourne epitomized that A-League quality, when Archie Thompson stumbled onto a ricocheted pass, controlled it with his arm and deflected his shot off Andrew Durante’s sweaty nipples into the far post for 1-0 to Melbourne. Clearly in agony from the nipple chafe, Durante then gifted Melbourne a second – his poofter headed back pass embarrassingly slotted home by James Troisi. Durante, clearly in CBF mode about being selected for the All Whites, then let Troisi breeze past him, to lob over Glen Moss for 3-0 within 30 minutes.

Fair to say that by this stage, it was just about time to flick over to the EPL highlights show on TV1, but for some reason we soldiered on. The Nix, playing with a ridiculously high defensive line, were caught napping on at least 5 more occasions, with no consequences. The only man who looked even half interested was Jeremy Brockie, it was his cocaine-snorting energy that earned the Phoenix an undeserved lifeline. A diagonal ball from Hernandez, taken and finished ruthlessly by last seasons top scorer. Brockie’s determination then had the ball in the back of the net for a second time – beating two players and sliding in a pass for Stein the Brain to finish. Sadly, Huysegems hadn’t finished his cup of tea, and was caught about a foot offside. How handy would 3-2 at half time been?

Phoenix players react as Paul Ifill replaces Albert Riera

Very. It would have been very handy. As after the opening 20 minute blur of pure terrible football, the Nix managed 70% of the ball in the final 25 minutes. However, they failed to find any quality in the final 3rd to make any of it count. So Merrick turned to Jesus Christ, our saviour. Jesus strode onto the pitch in the shape of Paul Ifill, and used his holy footballing know-how to conjur up chance after chance for the Jerusalem Phoenix. With just under 10 minutes to go, Ifill turned water into wine and opportunity into goal as he received the ball on the edge of the box, turned his defender like a champ and toe-poked through Nathan Coe’s legs.

A very entertaining climax, subsequently proved too little, too late, though. A late Brockie lunge flew over the bar, and the Nix were sunk. I hung around to scoff a few more lollipops, and watched a bit of the EPL – but ultimately, Monday night ended up being pretty disappointing. It leaves the Phoenix 2nd to bottom, 5 points behind Perth, who they battle on Saturday at 5.30, beer o’clock -  I’ll see ya there.

Melbourne Victory 3 (Archie Thompson 9, James Troisi 20, 29) Wellington Phoenix 2 (Jeremy Brockie 36, Paul lfill 84). Halftime: 3-1.

Scribblings of a Fair Weather Friend - Round 3 (and a half)

What is a fair weather friend? Not quite a fan – not quite a bandwagon jumper. They are a particular following who, although often only support one team, have the nerve to prioritize life’s chores ahead of the great game.

As a true football fan, the early mornings, slow buffering, or distant sports bar rendezvous must be accepted. Unfortunately, for a true Manchester United fan, I’m having a little more trouble solidifying my loyalty to the Wellington Phoenix. This has resulted in poor weekly updates and comical observations of a battling Kiwi outfit, who need all the help they can get. So, as an editor to his limited number of followers, I apologize. By the end of the season, though, I want to be fully committed to this team – whether in breathtaking, knockout fashion, or dwelling the scummy cellars of the bottom league table. The tide isn’t all the way out, so I’m not 100% shallow – It's not all about results. if the Phoenix can throw together some promise, along with a bit of flair – Ernie Bigcheeks Merrick will have me convinced. So, 3 games in – how are the Nix going?

Since the opening day defeat, there have been improvements. A gutsy 1-1 draw across the ditch against the Western Sydney Wanderers and a 0-0 draw at home against Newcastle. The latter being described to me as ‘the hardest game I’ve ever had to watch’. Well when it comes to that kind of football, it takes two to tango. Maybe not the prettiest, but at least shows the Nix have learnt from the early defeat. Also, with many positive reports concerning the influence of Carlos Hernandez, hopefully it won’t be long until we witness a few sneaky wins. As it stands, however, the Phoenix are second to bottom. Clearly not a desirable start, but only 3 points separate 2nd from 10th.  This means the next 3-4 weeks will be crucial, as no team wants to lose pace with the peloton early, especially a team who will likely struggle to string together consistent 3 pointers. 

Unfortunately for the Nix, during this transitional stage of their season, the All Whites have two crucial clutch cargo gigs against Mexico. The 14th of November – and then back here for the 2nd leg on the 20th. Depending on flights (etc etc), the round 5 A-League fixture against Perth on November 9th could see the Kiwi boys out of action for the Nix. And even if they do play, I’m sure their minds will be somewhere else entirely. The next flurry of fixtures will no doubt be affected by these qualifiers – but I’d be lying if I said I was more eager for some black and yellow action. It’s a sacrifice Ernie Merrick will have no choice to make – it’s for the good of the nation. If the All Whites do not qualify (or, if their chances are hindered by club/country loyalties), he’ll being dealing with some very depressed men. The one positive aspect from these fixture clashes is that squad players are going to have a second chance to impress – the round 1 loss to Brisbane consisted of 6 back up players, who will be keen to wipe that dirt off their shoulders.

Other than the lack of goals, it doesn’t look too bad at this stage. No injuries means a nice fresh XI will face up against Melbourne on Monday Night, and everyone will know that 3 points would be an excellent brace for the turbulence of upcoming weeks. You’ll hear from me on Tuesday evening, after I set aside my duties to watch the Nix do battle. Cheers and beers.

Footy Rhubarb

Team of the Week:

                                                 Howard (Everton)

Sagna (Arsenal)   Davies (Hull)   Reid (West Ham)   Theophile-Catherine (Cardiff)

      Ramsey (Arsenal)            Ramires (Chelsea)           Arnautovic (Stoke)

      Suarez (Liverpool)           Torres (Chelsea)               Aguero (Man City)

Hero of the Week:

A number of players stepped up this week to be heroes for their respective teams in some very big matches. Borini came off the bench to score a fantastic goal to give Sunderland victory over rivals Newcastle, Hernandez scored a late winner for Man Utd against Stoke, Torres had a brilliant game against Man City, and Suarez got a hat-trick as Liverpool thrashed West Brom 4-1. Sunderland have had a dire start to the season and this game was big enough due to it being Gus Poyet’s first home game as manager let alone it also being the Tyne-Wear derby. Basically if there was a game a fixture that could inspire a turnaround then this was it – and they delivered. Borini came on and scored and fantastic goal that sent the home crowd wild, that goal could be the catalyst for their season.

Torres missed a very easy chance early on in this one with the goal gaping and it seemed he was going to have one of those bad days but no. Torres brushed his shoulders off and put in an attacking masterpiece of pace, flair, and ruthlessness. He set up Schurrle for the opener and then scored the winner himself as Chelsea took all 3-points against City. He looked like the old Torres who scored for fun at Liverpool and was the key to a massive win. The Hero of the week however has to go to Suarez for his hat-trick against West Brom. We all know the about the saga that went on between Suarez and Liverpool over the summer and many doubted whether he could stay and if he did whether he’d be able to get back to form – well he showed it here. Three great goals that showed how much Liverpool miss him when he isn’t there. A creative force of flair, trickery and clever movement showed that he has just as much drive as ever to be playing for the Reds and evaporate any concerns that fans had about his commitment to the club. A mention also has to go out to Tim Howard who was a colossus in the Everton goal to keep out a persistent Villa to earn his team 3-points and a clean sheet.

Nipple of the Week:

We got a pair this week and both from the same diabolical situation, Joe Hart and Matija Nastasic. With not long left at Stamford Bridge and the score at 1-1 it looked as though there needed to be a moment of brilliance or a huge error for either team to win, for the City duo it was the latter. These two are among favourites to win the title this season and the result could prove crucial when it comes to league standings in May so no doubt about it, it was a big game. Willian hit the ball up-field with intention or aim but it somehow managed to cause havoc at the back for City. It was a simple situation that Hart and Nastasic turned into a nightmare. Hart rushed off his line unnecessarily while Nastasic is running towards the ball – and Hart. Surely the defender sees Hart coming out? But what is Hart doing anyway? Does he need to come out that far to clear a ball that should be dealt with? Both are to blame as much as the other as Nastasic heads the ball towards the on-rushing Hart who is outside the area so can’t even gather with his hands anyway. The ball goes straight past Hart and Torres comes sneaking in past the chaos to tap home. It’s not the first defensive mistake by City this season and it won’t be that last, and the same goes with Hart. City’s defensive mistakes have been hampering their season so far and Hart is usually at the centre of them, it’s an issue that needs resolving fast and it’ll be interesting to see how Pellegrini deals with it. 

Goal of the Week: 

Footy Rhubarb

Team of the Week:

                                          Begovic (Stoke City)

       Jones (West Brom)            Senderos (Fulham)                Chico (Swansea)

Townsend (Spurs)        Ramsey (Arsenal)       Oscar (Chelsea)     Silva (Man City)

                                         Ozil (Arsenal)      Hazard (Chelsea

                                                 Aguero (Man City)

Hero of the Week:

Heroes of the week include Aguero, Ozil and Hazard after they were all at the double for their respective teams. Aguero was the star performer as City defeated West Ham to earn their first away win of the season! It’s been somewhat of a hoodoo for City so far having not won on the road so they’ll be relieved to have been able to tick that off as they have been relying on their fantastic home form so far. Aguero is one of the most deadly strikers in the league and as long as he keeps fit then City have got every chance of getting top spot, they just need to stop leaking goals. Ozil has been an unbelievable success since his arrival with plenty of assists and goals which has transformed Arsenal into a team with more cutting edge and ruthlessness. One of his two goals on the weekend was an impressive header which he is by no means known for so to see him score such a goal makes you wonder what he CAN’T do. Hazard also got a double against Cardiff to put himself in the hero category despite his second goal being more of a goalkeeping mistake by Marshall, nevertheless Hazard made Chelsea tick to gain vital 3-points.

Goals, Goals, Goals:

A special mention this week has to go three breath-taking goals from Wilshere, Kasami, and Sidwell. Great goals are always scored in the Premier League but these 3 are really something and I would borderline illegal to not give them a viewing, get in it.

Nipple of the Week:

Nipple of the week has be Cardiff Keeper Marshall. Against Chelsea he had a shocker, the sort of games that every keeper inevitably has but also dreads. First Eto’o stole the ball off him after he bounced it on the ground before clearing it, then he let Oscar’s goal loop over him when he probably should have got a palm to it, and then he let Hazards second goal slip under his body to cap off a horrible 90 minutes. To be honest his first mistake where Eto’o cheekily stole the ball off him should have been called back for a foul, he still had control of the ball and the rules state that the keepr has to lose control of the ball or drop it in order for a player to be able to make such an interception – clearly Marshall was just bouncing it. However he knew that Eto’o was right behind him, in fact the striker was basically sitting on his shoulder so why bounce the ball? Why act so casual and lazy? Why take the risk? Sunderland also made themselves look like a bunch of nipples this weekend as Poyet’s first game as Di Canio’s replacement resulted in a 4-0 thrashing by Swansea – 2 of the goals being own goals. They say mistakes are made so we can learn from then, Sunderland have failed to do so.

Pole Position

So it’s that time again where European teams find out whether they will be competing in the World’s biggest sporting event – the FIFA World Cup. England will know by tomorrow morning whether they will qualify for the tournament automatically or will be facing the gruelling play-offs to decide who jets off to Brazil come next June. They come up against a decent Poland team knowing that they need a win and nothing less to book their place in the tournament. It’s a huge game for England as a footballing nation, for player’s careers and the shape football for the next 2 years and beyond.

Basically from this game we will learn a bit more about this team’s character as this game is the most important it’s had to face so far. Hodgson has had enough time now to implement his way onto the team after taking over just before Euro 2012 – so this really is HIS team. His record has been good in qualifying with only 3 goals conceded and a decent goal difference. However some performances have been questionable such as the draw with Ukraine at Wembley last year, which is probably the reason they haven’t qualified already, and the draw with Montenegro earlier this year. At times Hodgson’s England are too cautious, deciding to sit back when taking the lead and invite pressure. There can be times for this but not against teams that we should be knocking 3 goals past. Whether you see England’s qualifying campaign as good, bad, ugly, or average the most important thing is that they just get there. Take a look back to England’s 2010 World Cup qualifying campaign where they won every game except one and thrashed every team in the group, England looked favourites for the tournament – until they got there and were a complete embarrassment under Capello. International football is a strange thing and performances, mood and confidence can change game to game so despite the media picking apart every performance it’s the actual tournament that counts so just get there!

England are competing with Ukraine for the automatic qualification spot as both teams got into tomorrow with only a point separating them. Ukraine have San Marino, who have only ever won a single game ever, yes ever. So basically Ukraine have already won which means England need to win, a draw will not be enough. This would make any man feel nervous going into such a game no matter who he is backing, but this is England – a reason to feel that extra bit nervous. This situation isn’t too dissimilar to 2007 when Steven McLaren’s England failed to qualify for Euro 2008 in the last game against Croatia – one of England’s lowest moments. England are experts at making things harder for themselves, for succumbing to pressure. Not only that but Poland aren’t a bad team and will be very disappointed that they won’t be going to the World Cup. They have Lewandowski, one of the world’s best strikers as well as a number of very dangerous players who can cause England huge problems. If England don’t win they go into the play-offs, simple as that and to tell you the truth if that’s the case I’m not confident England will qualify at all.

England looked good in the last game against Montenegro and will want to keep the same team for Poland. Walker is suspended after being booked against Montenegro so I expect Jones to start at right-back and right away our back four looks very inexperienced. The only other change that could be made is that Townsend is a doubt after a knock he got after scoring his screamer on the weekend which would be a major blow as he looked our best player with his positivity and intelligent runs. Hodgson may also want replace Lampard with Wilshere but I think he’ll stick with Lamps. England need a similar performance from the weekend and if they don’t match it then we could be in trouble. England have managed to make much easier situations look an absolute disaster before so the nerves will be rife come the morning. It doesn’t have to be pretty, I don’t care if it turns into a long-ball shit fight as long as get over the line so for fuck sake just go out there and win it England. 

Scribblings of a Fair Weather Friend - Round One

Classic work by Ben Sigmund for the All Whites

We all face our own challenges in life. For most Kiwi football fans, including myself, watching the A-League while it’s EPL season is one of them.

 Watching the Wellington Phoenix can be pretty painful at times, but they’ve never had the intent of being pretty. Since day one, they have been moulded in a group of typical kiwi battlers, epitomised by none more so than the holy child, Benny Sigmund. But change is upon us. Lieutenant Herbert has been ushered out the door by those who desired a more TV friendly style of football. A new gaffer and players were sought to fulfil a new direction - Scottish veteran Ernie Merrick was recruited as coach (Former Hong Kong national team & Melbourne Victory coach) Carlos Hernandez and his mate Kenny Cunningham (classic name) along with some new young fellas have added depth to the playing squad. But it was the first round of the 2013/14 Hyundai A-League this weekend, and the 2 – 1 loss to Brisbane sure reminded me of the disappointment of last season.

Kenny Cunningham - must have had a great time in primary School. I wonder if they called him Kenny Cunny or Ken Cun?

Awesomely, the Nix had (unbelievably) over 90% possession against to Roar for the first 10 minutes at the Cake Tin. Even with Four 1st XI players (Brockie, Durante, Moss and Leo Bertos – embarrassingly)  being out of action (All Whites duties) the Phoenix looked right on top, early on. Oak Tree Whoregasms (Stein Huysegems) managed to nip in at the near post for a lead after 20 minute – a spell of play which had me unusually optimistic. However, once Brisbane decided to turn up and pass the ball, the ring-ins were taken advantage of. New young Fullback Luke Adams was sold down the river at least 5 time before being hauled off, and Costa Rican Cunningham looks like a bit of a racial marquee signing - I’m pretttttty sure I didn’t seem him beat a player or cross a ball in at least 10 attempts. Brisbane deservedly equalised after half time, but in all honesty, both teams looked tired and rusty. A draw would have been a great result for Wellington, and looked like a point in the bank after 92 minutes. But a 92nd minute winner had me facepalming. Classic youtube defending from Box-head Boxall and 6 pack Sigmund highlighted the worst aspect of last season – surely we aren’t preparing for another season of mediocrity?

My reaction to Brisbane's 92nd minute winner

In hindsight, though, that’s a pretty harsh call. Although the fashion of the result was almost laughable, the Phoenix did look to knock the ball around - avoiding the classic World War 2 bombing tactics of yesteryear. These are Promising signs from a team which has mirrored the disappointing nature of Stoke City over the last 3 or 4 years.

I’m not betting against more disappointment, this is just the natural order of things as Kiwi football fans. But as I avoid handing you clichés to confirm what you already know about early season results, most of the fans of the Phoenix will agree that Ernie Merrick seems like a step in the right direction. Whether or not its pays off will be another story. The same can be said for the new signings. Other than the impressive Hernandez, the misfires were noticeable early on, but Paul Ifill wasn’t promising in his first 2 or 3 games - look at him now. Good luck to the Phoenix, I’ll see you all at the pub.

Footy Rhubarb

Team of the Week:

                                                Jaaskelainen (West Ham)

              Zabaleta (Man City)        Davies (Hull City)           Reid (West Ham)             

Henderson (Liverpool)  Oscar (Chelsea)  Noble (West Ham)  Januzaj (Man Utd)

                                           Silva (Man City)

                       Suarez (Liverpool)           Remy (Newcastle)

Hero of the Week:

Januzaj probably has to be hero of the week as he grabbed both goals that saw Man Utd overcome Sunderland 2-1. It was another forgettable performance by United but Moyes will be relieved to get his first win in 3 weeks. The 18-yearold has been talked about for a while with rumours already circling about Barcelona wanting to nab him and you can see why, he’s good on the ball, links up with players well and has an eye for goal. I found it bizarre that Moyes wasn’t frantically running around during the transfer window for a midfielder and left it late to secure Fellaini but it makes sense now. Man Utd have always signed players if the money was right and that they thought would definitely improve the team, the went for Fabregas and couldn’t get him so rather than pay over the odds or take a risk on another player who may not fit the bill, they’ve said “well we got a few decent youngsters let hold out and see how they go” fair play. Moyes obviously has faith in the young Belgian and its paid off so far and even though one game doesn’t make a player, Januzaj looks like he could be just like that new signing they needed this season.

Remy also deserves a mention after earning Newcastle a vital 3 points against Cardiff with 2 fantastically taken goals. He’s clearly a top class striker and the Toon will want to snap him up permanently before someone else does. Bent is definitely hero of the week for Fulham and even more so Martin Jol as he scored the goal that secured a 1-0 against Stoke. Jol has been under a lot of pressure and I did pick him out as a manager who could well be the first to get the sack this season but he’s hanging in there and rightly so. He looked very worried and disappointed last week as you could see his lack of results was getting to him so he must’ve been relieved to see Bent take that goal so nicely. He deserved that win and hopefully he turns it around. 

Nipple of the Week:

I haven’t really got a nipple this week more a whole barrel of tits that keep making these managerial appointments. Poyet has been announced Sunderland’s new manager replacing Di Canio.  Now Poyet may turn out to be a good manager, he may get Sunderland playing good football and turn the results around but does he deserve the job? Di Canio didn’t deserve the job and this trend of appointing someone just because they’re foreign is ridiculous.

Why is it so hard for British managers to get top jobs? There are managers like Chris Hughton who coached for 20 years before he got his first managerial job at Newcastle, like Steve Clarke who worked his way up for over 10 years to get the West Brom job. So how can managers like Di Canio, Poyet, Zola, and so on walk into top jobs? These three barely have 10 years’ experience altogether so how have they all got Premier League jobs? What about the Neil Warnock’s, Owen Coyle’s, Eddie Howe’s, and Dave Jones’s? its seems to be fashionable to appoint these foreigners just because a few such as Martinez and Laudrup have come in and done well, it’s as if without a non-British manager  your club is going to do well! So Sir Alex, O’Neill, Moyes, Redknapp, Sir Bobby, and Hodgson have never had any success then? I don’t care how Poyet does at Sunderland but no doubt he’ll get Sunderland passing the ball more and then the media will pretend that he’s really turned them around and its very honourable the way they play. It will be like no one has ever of thought of playing such expansive football and especially not all these uncultured British managers! His team can pass the ball all they like but you still need to get results. On top of that he was sacked at Brighton during the summer for unknown reasons with the club very hush about it, sounds very strange. Well anyway hope this appointment doesn’t turn out as much as a farce as the last one for you Sunderland, good luck with your cliché appointment. 

I'm ticklish when it comes to fickleness

 I want you to think back a couple of weeks, think back to the opening round of the EPL or even before the season. Now think about judgements that journalists or pundits had made on certain teams and compare them to now. Are they the same, have they changed slightly, or have they gone totally the opposite way and have pretended they had never made any previous predictions on a certain matter? Most likely the latter. With the new Premier League season being 2 months in I’ve seen some mental yarns by pundits and journalists alike that have gone back on judgements they have previously made and fail to acknowledge it. It’s pure amateur fickleness and I can’t be doing with it but its common place in today’s media. If he scores a goal one week he’s a natural goal-scorer, if he misses a penalty the next week he’s mediocre at best, and if he looks like he MAY have dived then blimey, he’s scum of the earth. The Niche-Cache are more human, we make judgements and develop opinion for you to enjoy having a gander at but we always stick by what we write, unlike some who have already showed their inconstant nature with their pre-judgements on Arsenal and the new managers. The fact that such fickle views have been made so early in the season gives my tummy a tickle.

Arsenal had a horrible summer of transfer activity with the board claiming to have plenty of money to spend but failing to secure deals for high-profile players such as Suarez and Higuain. Basically however they had planned the transfer window to go, didn’t happen in the slightest. To add to this they lost on the opening day of the Premier League season to Villa at home. It was an embarrassing defeat but also a poor performance which highlighted that they needed signings and fast.

Straight away the media pulled their knives out and started cutting chunks out of Arsenal and rightly so. However now they are top of the league 2 months on from this point and the media are comparing the team to the ‘Invincible’ team that went a whole season undefeated just under a decade ago. It’s as fickle as football media can be. Don’t get me wrong some develops have occurred with Ramsey looking like he’s having a breakthrough season and the signing of Ozil on the final day of the window but it’s still the same team! Arsenal have played well and do look good but they still wasted time in the transfer window and still weak in some areas – like upfront. The invincibles team of the past won league and FA cups! I can’t see this team doing the same, it may well be the beginning of a team who will challenge for silverware but to go from saying Arsenal are barely top 4 to saying they are one of the best in recent history is a bit far-fetched. I have seen such articles on a number of top sporting websites and these fellas must have very short memories. It makes you wonder what they’ll say the next time Arsenal lose, no doubt a headline like “Arsenal have plenty of class but lack of ambition”. Tossers. 

Mourinho is a man who must be reeling at how the media have flipped their mood on him. When he was re-appointed at Chelsea, in fact even before hand, the media couldn’t get enough of him. He’s the saviour, the best manager around, a genius, the special one. Even before he got the job the media had decided he will win the league and can do no wrong. Well what a difference 2 months makes. Mourinho stormed out of a press conference last week as journalists badgered him about not including Kevin De Bruyne in the last 2 games. They’ve criticised the loaning out of Lukaku, his tactics, and have attempted to stir the pot between him and AVB. How can the opinion or viewpoint of not just a few pundits but a whole media spectrum change so dramatically? It contradicts their position as pundits, it makes them seem that they don’t know what they are talking about rather than giving the expert insight they claim they have.

The most bizarre aspect of the media getting on Mourinho’s back about leaving out De Bruyne is that the week before they were on his back about excluding Juan Mata! He can’t win! He simply cannot play all these talented midfielders at once. Not only this but Mourinho is the first manager to give De Bruyne a chance after AVB, DI Matteo, and Benitez all shipped him out on loan! Do these pundits actually have opinion or insight or do they just base their discussions on sport by the day?

The fickleness makes me laugh. As audiences we read the views of pundits and sport journalists to give us a constructive and expert perspective. Journalists of this nature write stories to create reaction but when your brown-nosing someone one week then jumping on them the next it’s no longer professional but petty. It takes sport journalism from honest discussion to gossip gutter press. Don’t bother with the fickleness of part-time gloom and doomers like Steve Howard and Phil Mcnulty - well only if you want a giggle. The Niche-Cache doesn’t drag itself through the gutter with petty gossip nor change our overall opinions based on the latest results or line-ups. We bring sport discussion back to the honest, knowledgeable, and witty manner you crave. We stand by what we say, not forget what we’ve said so we can go back on it later. Managers don’t become idiots overnight and teams don’t become world-beaters after 3 wins. There’s a long season ahead and no doubt positions will change and so will viewpoints but The Niche-Cache being the best place to read up on some sporting yarns wont. 

Footy Rhubarb

Team of the Week:

                                                   Lloris (Spurs)

    Olsson (West Brom)              Caulker (Cardiff)               Davies (Swansea)

Gnabry (Arsenal)   Sigurdsson (Spurs)   Ramsey (Arsenal)   Amalfitano (West Brom)

                                             Barkley (Everton)

                     Sturridge (Liverpool)                        Lukaku (Everton)

Manchester Rain:

Both City and United slipped up over the weekend with the former losing 2 in-a-row in the league. the biggest blow falls to United because of this but also considering last week’s defeat was a 4-1 thrashing against City while this week they lost at home to West Brom for the first time since 1978 – officially the worst start a Man Utd team has made in the Premier League years. City also managed to lose 3-2 away to Villa despite taking the lead twice. All the big clubs that have had managerial changes are the slowest starters; it should be common sense that such changes take time to become familiar for all involved but modern football dictates results and quickly, either way we got a very close season ahead.  

Now it’s easy to sit here and say that Man Utd don’t look good, they are struggling under new management, Moyes hasn’t got a clue. This was always going to be the case though; it was never going to go swimmingly. However the media often lack logic with their reporting and often miss the bigger picture and we’re seeing that with Moyes and even Mourinho who stormed out of a press conference yesterday. Surprisingly Pellegrini seems to have avoided some of the media flack for some unknown reason despite his team definitely looking vulnerable at the back and already throwing away points due to pure carelessness. Now even the most optimistic of Man Utd fans wouldn’t have expected Moyes to go on and win the treble in his first season, in fact if it wasn’t for Chelsea and Man City getting new managers too I doubt the fans would even expect the title. There has to be a period of transition and it may take a season, it would take Sir Alex a season but that’s because he had 20-odd years of continuity behind him, it will take longer for Moyes. Basically we’re 7 games in and Man Utd haven’t started well but is it necessary to doubt the man’s pedigree? Do the media really need to pounce like they do? Give the man some time.

Pellegrini will be very disappointed that they followed up last week’s win with a loss this time as they could have built up some great momentum with that win. The way in which they lost will be more of a worry for Pellegrini. The first girl they conceded was dreadful awareness by the City defence and even though it was offside, they deserved to concede due to their failure to pick up simple runs. Kompany at one stage literally pointed at the space where the Villa player should play the ball and he did. The third and winning goal was nothing short of comical. A straightforward clearance by Guzan in the Villa goal went right in between City’s centre-backs in which Weimann latched onto before Joe Hart to tap home. You can’t throw away goals like that and can’t lose games like that so the British media may not be on your back Pellegrini but I’m in the mood for a Chilean piggy-back.

Hero of the Week:

Hero of the week has to go to Lukaku although he only just edged Sturridge. Lukaku got himself and Everton 2 goals as they beat Newcastle 3-2 on Monday night. Mourinho finds himself with 2 strikers at Chelsea that have yet to score in the league while he has loaned out Lukaku to Everton where he’s got himself 3 goals in 2 games – continuing his form from West Brom last season. It’s a bizzare decision as Lukaku is a goal-scoring machine with a great attitude and there is no doubt he’d get goals for Chelsea. Anyway it's Everton that are enjoying him now and will be until the end of the season if he keeps this up. Without Lukaku I was wondering where their goals were going to come from as Jelavic looked to be going through a dry spot but now they have the big Belgian in there to bang some in. Everton are starting to look good now and Martinez looks like he’ll be showing what he can really do.

Nipple of the Week:

It’s hard to pick nipple of the week this week which is a bummer because I just love those weeks where I can straight go “mmm yep he’s defo the nipple this week” but there hasn’t been anything that stands out. Rio could be highlighted as he got embarrassed by Amalifitano as the Frenchman strolled past with ease into the box to score the goal of the weekend. Chamakh is another who made himself look a bit of a tit as he dived for a penalty when he could have tried to score for Palace but ended up getting booked for simulation. Their quite minor ones but a nipple is a nipple so looks like we got a pair.