An Entry In Michael Clarke's Diary
Dear Diary,
Well I don't really want to leave the Caribbean; the women, the weed, the weather but we must venture to England, we've got the Ashes to defend.
It wasn't my best Test series with the bat, but the team is rocking and rolling, England shouldn't pose much of a threat.
Smithy, boy has that kid come a long way. I remember when he first came into our set up and he batted like a muppet but could biff down leg-spinners, plus he looked like Shane Warne so I got a bit excited. Now he's the number one Test batsman in the world and shit, I wouldn't even know where to tell my bowlers to bowl to him.
If you venture outside off-stump, you're going to witness an effortless cover drive of a piercing cut shot. Bowl a good delivery on off-stump and you're going to get whipped for four on the leg-side.
The West Indies couldn't tie him down and England will have no chance.
I remember when Adam Voges started playing first class cricket, three, almost four years after myself and here he is making his Test debut. What a bloke, he took his opportunity with open arms and it's going to be good to have another old bloke in the side for the Ashes.
People think I'm this cocky, prima-donna, but I know how lucky I am. After Warnie, Glen McGrath, Jason Gillespie and our other soldiers of the golden age departed, we had blokes like Ryan Harris and Peter Siddle step in to do a good job of bowling teams out. They are both well into their 30's now and could be struggling to play for much longer, but up pops a bowling attack who will make England poo their pants.
I need Rhino and Sids there for the Ashes, even if they don't play too often I just need to be able to call on these two. I know that they can do what is required, which is why Rhino will line up to face Hampshire 2nd XI, he needs a few overs under his belt.
But as soon as everyone thinks our bowling attack could slightly fall off the wagon a bit, up step Josh Hazlewood and Mitchell Starc, two lads who have been in great form for the last year or so. I love these young guys, but I need the older blokes there or there abouts as well.
I don't quite know what I'm going to do with Mitchell Johnson though. Last time we just decided that we'd ruffle their feathers, get them hopping about and generally fuck them up. It wasn't so much about taking wickets, I just hated how smug those Poms were. If we do that again, everyone will have a cry, we copped plenty last time and it will only get worse if we do it again, hmm.
I know, we'll do it all again.
I can't wait to see Stuart Broad hopping around, boy he's looking like cake with the bat.
I deserve a pat on the back, my back preferably as I've built this squad masterfully. The selectors haven't done jack shit, they told me that they were thinking of selecting Rob Quiney or Marcus North, clearly a load of bullshit. I got Voges in the team, I've kept Watto around despite us all hating him, he can have a moan with the best of them, and I've found two spinners who I love. Nathan Lyon or Gavin as the boys like to call him, shit we're funny, somehow continues to get better, despite his lack of any real sort of natural ability and Fawad Ahmed.
Well with Ahmed, Tony Abbott hit me up and wanted me to help with a few of his diplomatic problems, so we decided to pick Ahmed. Tony wanted him to just be a part of the squad, feel good factor blah blah blah but I like Fawad, he gives it a good rip as a leggy and if we need two spinners in England, he'll definitely get a run.
Hopefully Tony never ever contacts me again, such a prick.
Look at those English blokes, they start hitting a few sixes and all of a sudden they have changed how they play cricket! They start having a bit of fun ... we've been having fun all along.
That goes for the kiwis as well, poor souls, built everyone up only to be taught a lesson. There's only two world bosses; Chris Gayle and the Australian cricket team.
It does make me chuckle, well me and Davie Warner chuckle as we pondered this the other night, how England and New Zealand think they are these new aggressive teams and what not. At the end of the day, they're all just trying to play like us, Australia.
No one likes to admit it, but we're still the gods of cricket. Everyone likes to downplay this team and consistently compare us to the dynasty before, but umm, last I checked we're still the best team in the world.
And we will be, until I retire. Even then, Smithy's there to take over, he goes alright.
One game at a time though Pup.
Fuck it, where's that little Urn, it should be here somewhere.
Ah, there she is, in my trophy bag.
WHO ELSE HAS A FUCKING TROPHY BAG HUH?
No one.
Bye.