Dear Diary,

Sorry for my pitiful attempts at keeping you updated, this series against the Black Caps has just been mental. If honestly felt like we were jogging while they and the series was sprinting, to say it was a whirlwind would be an understatement.

Sigh.

When I'm batting, I love being Alistair Cook but sometimes I just wish I was Brendon. Such a lad, he and his blokes are always laughing, cracking funnies and having a good old time.

In no way am I any sort of jealous though, I'm fucking Alistair Cook and I score runs.

It's hard, like, I really want to do what McCullum does and stack the slip cordon, get blokes all up in the batsman's grill and switch things up. Heck, I even copied their short bowling plan and it kind of worked. I just want to lead my team how he does, but I can't.

These bowlers, they just can't back me up.

It's a worry, there's that Ashes thing coming up and how am I suppose to win the Ashes back playing this way? It's actually hurting my brain; the Aussies will come at us and what are we going to do?

I've got to just set the tone, hopefully the lads follow.

The Black Caps were so nice on the field as well, now everyone expects us to be nice guys as well. I am a nice guy but Australia are going to play like a bunch of twats and I don't really know how we should respond.

I watched that State Of Origin thing last week, those Aussies are mental. But they have different rules for that compared to the NRL, everyone's smashing each other, so why can't we have slightly different rules of conduct for the Ashes? Everyone's on this good sportsmanship vibe, but it's different in the Ashes, there's more at stake, there's more emotion and I won't back down no longer.

I'm going to fuck them up.

Yes you idiot, I WILL FUCK THEM UP. I've got to fight fire with fire, no, I've got to start the fight, yes!

I'll have to tell Jos to practice his chirping behind the stumps.

I'll teach Broady how to duck, swerve and survive the bouncer.

And I'll tell Rooty that he's our only hope.

I'm just glad that New Zealand series is over. To be honest, I'm not sure how we would have gone in a third Test, well I definitely would have not let Kane Williamson get me out. Chucker.

I had a good chat with Trevor Bayliss though, we've got this. He likes me, I kind of like him - he's just a bit too Australian.

Trev will be good for me, I'm sick of having these yes-men coaches been given the job. I've come to realise that I need someone who thinks I'm an idiot, to coach the team, then some of my decisions don't come to fruition.

Runs, I got runs though which makes me so happy.

I definitely deserve to be in the ODI side.

Watch the ball ... go past me.

Cooky, out.