The Premier League is the best league on the planet, don’t start me to arguing. And this past season provided us with one of the all-time great Premier League teams in Pep Guardiola’s Manchester City. He came in with all the hype in the world and he’s lived up to every bit of it. Could he do it without Messi? Of course he could. Could he do it in the PL where there are no easy games, where every team is competitive? Of course he could. Ah but could he do it on a rainy night in Stoke? Mate… he got those sons of bitches relegated so sit back down.

Records for wins, goals scored and total points. The new record margin between first and second place. Manchester City were immaculate against everyone who isn’t Liverpool (plus 45 minutes of an unleashed Man United). Safe to say that it’ll come as no spoiler that there are City players littered throughout these teams of the season, particularly that illustrious first team.

But in an odd way this was also a weak season by Premier League standards. It wasn’t all City’s fault. They hogged points and cruised to the title but they’re not responsible for Arsenal’s lowest points total and worst finish since 1994–95. Burnley had a brilliant campaign under the steady hand of Sean Dyche, even qualifying for Europe, but below their seventh place it got ugly quickly. This was a relegation scrap like no other as the usually reliable soft middle of the division disappeared and if you weren’t playing for Europe then you were playing not to be playing in the Championship.

Which makes the annual Wildcard’s PL Team of the Season honours rather tricky to select in a couple positions but, buddy, don’t even worry about it. I’ve got you covered. The hard yards are complete and the teams have been finalised, eleven players in each with a manager for kicks and all selected in the standard 4-4-2… although don’t take that stuff too seriously. It’s about spreading the love, not designing a tactically flawless eleven. There’s also a preference towards players who played at least 20 games, just to make sure the goodness was spread out over the whole season and not only a few sweet months. You’ll figure it out.

FIRST XI

GK – David De Gea (Manchester United)

There is none better. For the first time in DDG’s career he took home the Golden Gloves with a hefty haul of 18 clean sheets this season, nobody’s had more since Edwin van der Sar kept 21 in 2008-09. Dave’s probably the number one goalkeeper on the planet now, making saves you’d only thought imaginary until you saw him slapping them out of the air, tipping them around the post or hacking them to safety. This chap’s just too good.

RB – Kyle Walker (Manchester City)

If you figured that the step up to the big money in Manchester City was one too far for Kyle Walker then chill because it wasn’t. He simply picked up where he left off with Spurs, gunning down that right flank in support and doing his job at the back. Plus the possession heavy stuff with City suits his game so much better, taking out the misguided crosses and replacing them with short passes and quick movements. After keeper Ederson (you’ll hear that name again soon), Walker was the next most crucial addition to a City side that conceded eight fewer goals this season compared to last, only 27 in total. And they scored 106. Yikes.

CB – Jan Vertonghen (Tottenham Hotspur)

For the last few years Toby Alderweireld has held his own as one of the Premier League’s most dominating defenders while Jan Vertonghen chilled beside him, playing with new consistency but letting his mate get all the plaudits. This season Aldy could only start 13 league games, missing three months in the middle of it all for injury and then finding an in-form Davinson Sanchez had stolen his place while he was out. But it wasn’t Sanchez who steadied the ship, it was Vertonghen. This was his best campaign yet with Spurs. JV was all class. It’s not only how well he reads the game, able to break down attacks before you even notice them, but that silky left boot of his is responsible for starting many a move of their own too. The PFA Team of the Year got this one right.

CB – James Tarkowski (Burnley)

Well now. James Tarkowski, a fella many fans would never have even heard of twelve months ago and now he’s an England international and, even more lucratively, a Wildcard’s PLTOS representative. Tarky was the man who stepped up to cover for Michael Keane’s move to Everton. Keane had a stinker of a season, Tarky had a blinder. He can do the nitty gritty stuff and he can do the polished stuff, he’s just a quality all-round centre-back and a great example that the answer needn’t always come from outside the squad, even in the cash-heavy Prem. Held off a fine case for Nic Otamendi to win this spot because, let’s be honest, Tarks had to do a whole lot more defending.

LB – Andrew Robertson (Liverpool)

Another one who you’d never have guessed at the start of the season… but who had a better time at left back than the Scotsman? He only played 22 games in the PL so that made this more of a debate than it needed to be (Ben Davies and Marcos Alonso were extremely close) but once he earned his way in he was immense, setting up five goals as well as seemingly providing a long term solution to a position that’s been a problem at the Reds the last few seasons, sorry to James Milner. The clues were there in his Hull City days. This dude could be one of the best fullbacks in the division for the next half-decade.

RM – Raheem Sterling (Manchester City)

The Daily Mail’s favourite footballer (don’t ever read The Daily Mail, not even the syndicated links the NZ Herald use). Sterling has put it all together under the tutelage of Pep Guardiola. Numerous crucial goals this season, many of them late ones, from a dude whose finishing used to be his biggest problem. Sterling played the same amount of games as last season but scored 18 goals instead of 7. Oh and he won his first league title, which is always nice. Gonna be a big World Cup for him.

CM – Kevin De Bruyne (Manchester City)

A delightful player to watch on a football field. Pep’s decision to slide him back into the midfield turned out rather well, with City an absolute force in possession and KDB leading the PL in both assists (16) and key passes (106), while also scoring a cheeky 8 goals and generally just committing murder against opposition defences. There isn’t much more that needs to be said.

CM – Fernandinho (Manchester City)

The engine room of Manchester City. Playing KDB and David Silva deeper was a masterstroke from Pep Guardiola but it’s Fernandinho that allowed him to do so. His defensive shield is basically impenetrable. He sees trouble and he ends trouble, covering so much ground in the process - which frees up the team’s many attacking maestros to do what they do best. Plus he’s got a mean pass on him too and, in case you thought all he did was defence, his thunderbastard against Stoke was named Man City’s Goal of the Season… and it ain’t like they had a shortage of those to choose from. Such an underrated player.

LM – David Silva (Manchester City)

And there we are, a complete Manchester City midfield. Had to squeeze David Silva out wide (and the next guy up front) to make it happen but he won’t mind. Silva is beyond reproach. He’s one of the finest players this league has seen in a generation and even without his hair he still isn’t letting up. One of the rare players in the world who can have you gasping at a single touch or pass. 9 goals and 11 assists, about a million clever passes to create just enough space to begin the next siege upon whose ever goal was unlucky enough to have been placed before Manchester City on that day… and also his third Premier League winner’s medal.

FW – Mohamed Salah (Liverpool)

Player of the season right here, no arguments necessary. The Egyptian winger has done things which have gotten him compared to Lionel Messi and that slight hesitation that people have before telling you to bugger off when you say that is the proof that Salah was the best in the league. If you have to think for even a split second about knocking down a Messi comparison then that’s good enough. Salah is super quick, super skilful and playing in a team that absolutely maximises those things. Some of the goals he’s scored have been brain-melting. 32 goals in 36 games, that’s the most ever in a 38-game season. And the joker’s smiled through it all.

FW – Harry Kane (Tottenham Hotspur)

Not fully convinced he got a touch on that ball (you know the one I mean) but officially that’s still another big haul of goals, his fourth season in a row with at least 21 of them. He bagged 30 all up which is a new PB and it takes him to 108 from 153 games in his PL carer. Couldn’t book a third straight Golden Boot but no worries. Is this all about his goals? Yeah, he’s a proper striker, mate. Of course it’s all about the goals. Kane obviously does so much more than simply put the finishing touches on it all but it’s his goals that underline all that impressive hold-up play and prescient movement. Can’t wait to see how he goes at the World Cup too.

MAN – Pep Guardiola (Manchester City)

Once again: records for wins, goals scored and total points. The new biggest ever margin between first and second. This is one of the finest teams of our times (domestically, at least) and it has Pep Guardiola’s fingerprints all over it. He deserves all the awards… although he’ll probably be happy with five players and a manager in the WCPLTOTS first team.

SECOND XI

GK – Ederson (Manchester City)

Bingo. What a difference a good keeper makes, aye? A few eyebrows were raised when Pep went big bucks in for a relatively unknown from Benfica but y’all just gotta trust the scouts. Without the sloppiness of Joe Hart, Claudio Bravo or Willy Caballero it was a different story, here was a dude who could play clever with the ball at his feet AND still make saves! He’s a brave bugger too. A perfect fit.

RB – Cesar Azpilicueta (Chelsea)

Slipped into right back for the fits. Azpi is easily Chelsea’s best defender and he has been for a couple years now. Amongst what was often a disappointing season, capped with an FA Cup victory but highlighted by missing the Champions League next season, there were a handful of players who kept it up at their usual levels and Azpilicueta was one. Brilliant player. Can play anywhere across the backline.

CB – Nicolas Otamendi (Manchester City)

I’m as shocked as you are. Or maybe not quite as shocked because I’ve always kinda rated Otamendi. He’s a hard bastard in a team that always needed a couple of those. There was a learning curve for him under Pep Guardiola, who had different demands upon his centre-backs, and he still might not be safe for next season… but he was damn fine in this one. City’s most dependable defender, stunningly.

CB – Shane Duffy (Brighton & Hove Albion)

Shane Duffy!? Mate… who do you think led the Premier League in defensive clearances? It was Duffy and it wasn’t even close. Led the lot in shots blocked as well, clearly the Irishman was doing some old fashioned defending. It helped to have a solid partner in Lewis Dunk (second in shots blocked) and Matty Ryan in goal was no slouch either. Probably goes a long way to why Brighton were never in relegation trouble all season. Shane Duffy’s awesome.

LB – Marcos Alonso (Chelsea)

Arguably the most dangerous wide defender getting forward in the Premier League. Alonso is in the same bag as Azpilicueta, doing his job to an excellent standard (he was named in the PFA’s TOTS) while a couple others around him maybe didn’t quite repeat the dosage… looking at you, Gary Cahill. Or David Luiz even, who went from First Team to barely even existing. But Alonso was quality. Seven goals with two assists and less than a goal per game when he played. Not all that much worse than last time, to be honest.

RM – Wilfried Zaha (Crystal Palace)

The one-man band is a concept that goes back deep into history to the bards of ages old. Shout out to Wilfred Zaha for reviving the idea. It’s reductive to say that Zaha single-handedly kept Crystal Palace up but they couldn’t have done it without him, that’s for sure. Player of the month in April. Zaha scored nine times and set up three more. His storming and direct style made him a nightmare for any defence. So good.

CM – Wilfred Ndidi (Leicester City)

A couple stats on Ndidi: one is that there was no player in the PL this season who had more shots without scoring a single goal. Another more flattering one is that there was no player who made more successful tackles. Ndidi was signed to be the new N’Golo Kante but that’s an unfair comparison, he’s a different style of midfielder. They do, however, both have that same workhorse energy and the willingness to do the tough stuff. Just quietly, Ndidi brings a bit more going forward though. Get those shots on target and he’ll himself be a target for the top six clubs.

CM – Christian Eriksen (Tottenham Hotspur)

Don’t really need to explain the selection of the man who makes Tottenham tick. Dele Alli had a drop off season, falling out of these three teams altogether, but Eriksen never drops off and he scored another 10 goals with another 10 assists and the only drama of it is that the bloody City mafia means he’s now made four consecutive second teams. Eh, win the title for once and then you can argue, Chris.

LM – Leroy Sané (Manchester City)

Oh look another Man City player, is this getting boring? Leroy Sané got edged out of the first team by Raheem Sterling but I couldn’t justify dropping him any deeper than this one. Same as all those City players, it’s speed and vision and technique and positivity. Like Sterling he’s still even not the refined finished product… which is a frightening prospect. 10 goals and 15 assists and he didn’t make the first team. Manchester City have all the cheat codes.

FW – Sergio Agüero (Manchester City)

It’s a travesty of destiny that Sergio Agüero had never made a PFA Team of the Season before the 2017-18 campaign. Crazy for one of the very best players this league has seen in the last decade. That anomaly has been fixed now but he didn’t quite make my first team. Even if Mo Salah had been swapped to the wing, then Jamie Vardy woulda bumped him down. He only played 25 times which was his problem, although 21 goals makes for a ridiculous strike rate.

FW – Jamie Vardy (Leicester City)

Who picked Jamie Vardy to be the Leicester City title winner that regressed the least? Vardy scored 20 times in 37 games, bossing the line for the Foxes. He’s absolutely rapid and he’s still scoring remarkable goals. Didn’t have the volume of Agüero’s achievements but he also played for a much worse team where he was way more influential.

MAN – Sean Dyche (Burnley)

Nobody does more with less, which is always a sign of a great manager. Of course he took a backup CB and turned him into an England international and WCPLTOTS first teamer. Of course he took a strike partnership of Ashley Barnes and Chris Wood and turned them into Premier League terrors. Of course he didn’t have a problem when Robbie Brady got injured. Of course he didn’t have a problem when Tom Heaton got injured. Of course he took Burnley into Europe for the first time in half a century.

THIRD XI

GK – Nick Pope (Burnley)

Between the excellences of Pope and Tarkowski at the Clarets, who wouldn’t want to play for Sean Dyche? Pope replaced an England international in Tom Heaton and then ended up beating him to the World Cup squad. Popey holds off stiff competition for this third team spot (the first two picked themselves) from the likes of Jack Butland, Jordan Pickford and Matt Ryan.

RB – Antonio Valencia (Manchester United)

Actually a bit of a struggle to find decent right backs for these teams. Nathaniel Clyne was injured and Hector Bellerin unfortunately still plays for Arsenal. DeAndre Yedlin was one who got consideration, as did Victor Moses, but Antonio Valencia is a worthy third teamer. I don’t know why some people still call him a converted winger. They need to cut out their tongues because he hasn’t played wing since Fergie was manager. Tony’s a natural fullback at this level and a bloody great one too. Ashley Young on the other hand… nah, let’s not get into the Mourinho stuff here.

CB – Jamaal Lascelles (Newcastle United)

Fantastic player to watch. He’s not even the most talented CB at his own club, probably wouldn’t be first choice for Rafa Benitez if he was picking on skill alone, yet Lascelles brings too much else to the table for anyone to deny him. Superb leader, immense attitude, complete fortitude. One of those players you watch and think: I wish my team had someone like him. A few cheekily crucial goals help as well.

CB – Alfie Mawson (Swansea City)

The only player worth a damn for the Swans, he should have handed his transfer request in yesterday because he’s too good to go down with that ship. Well, Lukasz Fabianski and Ki Sung-Yueng might also throw their names in that hat, to be fair. But Mawson in particular. Young English centre-back with all the attributes. Held off folks like Harry Maguire, Virgil van Dijk (didn’t play enough), Phil Jones (ditto) and Davinson Sanchez (same deal) for this spot.

LB – Ben Davies (Tottenham Hotspur)

Who even is Danny Rose? Davies pushed that bloke right out of the team, this was the season when the Welshman proved that he’s way more than a backup. He’s one of those players that doesn’t cut corners, always full of effort and attitude. If he adds a little more attacking threat then he can threaten the top two teams next time. Or they might sign someone better… but he’ll always have this season.

RM – Pascal Gross (Brighton & Hove Albion)

There’s one for ya. Brighton paid just £3m for this bloke and he immediately settled in perfectly, scoring Brighton’s first ever PL goal on his way to seven goals and eight assists. Which is outstanding for a mid-table team expecting only to avoid relegation. He might be the signing of the season as far as value for money goes. Gotta say guts to Mesut Özil who got cut for Gross. Also guts to Marko Arnautovic and Jesse Lingard who were candidates for a couple positions but didn’t make it.

CM – N’Golo Kante (Chelsea)

Just because he didn’t win the title for the first time since he moved to England doesn’t mean Kante was doing anything worse. Still the best defensive midfielder out there. Third in total tackles made, clear first in interceptions. Nothing wrong with this guy at all. Jordan Henderson and Jack Cork were next in line.

CM – Paul Pogba (Manchester United)

Way better than the grizzled voices of grumpy telly pundits will have you know. The Pog would be an easy first teamer every season if he had a manager that allowed him a little freedom of expression but even still he scored six goals with 10 assists, at times single-handedly dragging this Man United team forward into attack. Don’t scapegoat him when we all know who the real problem is.

LM – Eden Hazard (Chelsea)

Another who comes under the category of way better than people realised. Eden Hazard seems to do it in peaks and valleys, one great season then one down season. This was his down season but only because the jerries around him weren’t doing their thing. Mo Salah’s giving him competition for the sexiest close control in England now so can’t wait to see how well he bounces back next season.

FW – Roberto Firmino (Liverpool)

Seems about right to add another Liverpool player in, after all Firmino scored 15 goals. By the way, it’s Fur-mee-no, not Fur-mee-neyo. Get it right you goddamned Scousers, seriously. Alexandre Lacazzette was next on the list after Bobby Firmino.

FW – Romelu Lukaku (Manchester United)

Why always Lukaku? Hey don’t blame Rommy for his team’s (perceived) failings. Dude still scored 16 league goals while leading the line with strength and determination. Didn’t add that extra something to his game that he’s still missing but it was pretty damn good for a first season with a top club.

MAN – Jurgen Klopp (Liverpool)

Strange what you can achieve by playing positive football and encouraging your players. One or two other managers might wanna learn those lessons for themselves.

MULTIPLE HONOURS & TRIVIALITIES

Sucks to be David Luiz… did you know he’s still a Chelsea player? Dude was injured and out of favour for most of the way and only played 10 games this season, a long shot from making the First XI last time out. Teammates Cesar Azpilicueta, N’Golo Kante, Eden Hazard and Marcos Alonso also slipped out of the top team but they still lingered in the second or third sides as the four Chelsea representatives in here. The only four who were worth a damn at times.

Romelu Lukaku also dropped a couple teams while Alexis Sanchez and Dele Alli went from firsties to getting completely left out. No dramas with Sanchez, he wore out all patience with his Gunners teammates then transferred to Man United where he scored just two league goals in a dozen starts. As for Alli, he had some better numbers and held down his usual spot with Spurs, but the consensus is that this was a bit of a sophomore slump for the lad. Which is normal. A solid World Cup and a big season next time around are still heavy on the cards.

There are eight players in the first team making their debut appearances there: Tarkowski, Vertonghen, Robertson, Fernandinho, Sterling, Silva, De Bruyne and Salah. Only three players making repeat first team apps then, big ups to David de Gea and Kyle Walker who are each there for the third time while Harry Hotspur has done the quadruple with his fourth straight first team selection. What a player, what a man.

In fact Robertson, Tarkowski and Salah make their first appearances in any team. Pep Guardiola gets his first managerial nod too. Opening it up to the full trio of teams, the other debutants are: Ederson, Duffy, Davies, Zaha, Ndidi, Sané, Pope, Lascelles, Mawson and Gross. Players to have been picked in some capacity in all four seasons of this thing are: David de Gea, Harry Kane, Sergio Aguerö and Christian Eriksen.

Fun fact, if you remove Manchester City players from the equation because they’re not even fair then the first team would read as thus…

De Gea / Azpilicueta, Vertonghen, Tarkowski, Robertson / Zaha, Ndidi, Eriksen, Hazard / Salah, Kane … with Sean Dyche as manager. Could that team beat Man City? Probably not.

No surprises at all then that there are nine Manchester City players represented here, plus a manager. Five of those players are in the first team. Spurs and Chelsea are next most represented with four players each while Man United and Liverpool have three (but Liverpool do also have a manager). There are, for the first time ever, zero Arsenal players in any selection. Truly it is a day of history. Arsene Wenger chose the right time to go.

Anyway, that’s the end of that and if you want to read previous editions of this nonsense to see the teams then follow the links below. If you want to have a big moan or make a constructive argument or even just add your own preferred XI then do so in the comments on bookface or chuck a twitter reply or the usual. You’re more than encouraged.

You’re also more than encouraged to slap an ad for the sakes of The Niche Cache being able to get paid this month (the big corporations are swallowing up independent thought – don’t let them get away with it!). Plus if you pledge a few dollars to us on Patreon then you might even get some goodies in the mailbox. Enough of that now.