In Honour of Chelsea’s Championship (Despite Being Chelsea and All)
This is the obligatory ‘Shot Bro’ column now that Chelsea are officially Premier League champions and there’s nothing else to write about. No point donating all them words to a final predictions thing (see the bottom of this bad boy for them), but going all in on teams of the season takes ages so that won’t be ready ‘til next week. Hence this. Can you tell I’m a little underwhelmed by Chelsea winning this thing again?
Yeah, sorry about that. It’s just that there isn’t a lot more to get excited about there. They were brilliant from the immediate moment that Antonio Conte switched to three at the back. N’Golo Kante was a slam dunk transfer but the incredible impact that David Luiz, Marcos Alonso and Victor Moses (who counts as a transfer for not being loaned out, finally) have shown that this team just never put a foot far wrong. They signed the right manager and they bought the right players. Even Michy Batshuayi, hardly a factor all campaign, was able to pop up with the goal that secured the title.
Obviously there were moments along the way where they were less than perfect. In fact they were never perfect, this wasn’t that kinda team. This was a team with immense pragmatism that played to its strengths and displayed a massive mental fortitude to continually grind out results. Thirteen wins in a row at one point. Losses to Crystal Palace and Man United towards the end showed they were tiring but the lack of depth that was expected to be their big problem turned out to be nothing. Chelsea always had enough gas in the tank, Cesc Fabregas proved that by reviving his Assist King status after spending most of the season on the bench. A couple more injuries might have changed things but you can say that about every champion that’s ever been. You do everything in your power to give yourself the best chance and then hope like hell that your luck holds – that’s sports right there.
You don’t have to love this Chelsea team but you have to respect them. Antonio Conte most of all, what a man to inspire such a determined campaign. Equally as demanding as Jose Mourinho but he’s also able to convince his players that they’re all in the same fight together. We will find a way or we will make one. They made one… and the rest of English football was left in their wake, from the aching chase of Tottenham to the not so impressive efforts of Arsenal or Manchester United. They did it, the Blues did it. They’re champions again – for the fifth time in thirteen years.
What’s weirdest about this is what it does to the memory of last season and the prospect of next. They won this sucker in 2014-15 and then fell off a cliff with the worst title defence the Premier League has ever seen (depending on how Leicester go in their last matches). Allegations of mutiny from their own manager, a lawsuit filed by their former team doctor, some of the finest players in the division suddenly looking like they’re playing a completely other sport. Jose Mourinho was sacked and Guus Hiddink was able to hit the reset button… and now they’re champs again. Was it all a dream?
I’m not sure if you can look at Eden Hazard in the same way knowing that for two of the last three seasons he was one of the three best players in the Premier League and in between it was like some bad movie where he’d swapped bodies with Jack from Down the Pub. Hmm but then he does stuff like this and how the hell can you not enjoy this wizardry? There’s no silkier player than Lionel Messi but Hazard on his day can get pretty damn close.
Then there’s the reputational resurrection that David Luiz had after appearing only to sign as a desperate last minute option and a familiar face. Absolutely superb he was, best centre back in the league this season, despite all the laughter at the time. He’s come a long way from being controlled by a kid on a playstation. Maybe all he needed was the right manager to give him the right kinda role.
Or, best of all, the resurgence of Diego Costa. That dastardly rogue, that repugnant rake, that devious scoundrel that he is. He came to the Premier League and immediately did nothing but score goals and get people sent off. Then his second season, the drama-filled one, he all of a sudden stopped. He still pissed buggers right off but the goals dried up. You could see it in action as well: Costa stopped shooting when he had the opportunity, the ruthlessness was gone. Rather than hound the six yard box for scraps to feast upon he was looking for scraps of the fisticuff variety outside the box. That’s not where you want a killer like him operating. This season he’s back doing all the things he ought to and the goals are flowing. If anything he’s improved on that first season and become less of a pure poacher, more of a pivot and a facilitator.
Diego Costa in the Premier League
- 2014-15: 26 matches | 20 goals | 3 assists | 2.9 shots/game
- 2015-16: 28 matches | 12 goals | 6 assists | 2.4 shots/game
- 2016-17: 34 matches | 20 goals | 6 assists | 3.2 shots/game
Antonio Conte, you’d imagine, won’t drive this team into the ground like Mourinho did. They’ll be back again for another sustained run next term and he’ll be coming up with more genius ways to adapt this side as they face more and more of what Spurs and Man United did to them with the back threes and the man-marking and all that. They will have to do it while also balancing a full Champions League run, something they benefited from avoiding this time out, but there’s time to build up the necessary depth in the squad to handle playing twice a week (and doing so without moaning every time like Old Mate Jose).
However they will probably need to do it without Diego Costa. He’s not best or most essential player in that XI but don’t think for a second that he isn’t hugely important. This title was pretty much won with a thirteen man squad. They had Willian and Fabregas for depth, plus a little bit of Kurt Zouma once he was fit again and some Batshuayi too. Branislav Ivanovic and Oscar were sold mid-season. Asmir Begovic has played two games. Nathan Ake came back from loan at Bournemouth – where he was a key player – to manage 98 total minutes (plus whatever he gets on the weekend) of PL footy.
Diego Costa is a bloody nutcase. You don’t need me to explain this to you, you’ve already seen a hundred videos, read a thousand stories. Just the other day, after they officially won the title, he randomly wandered into the back of the room during a Conte press conference and started acting like a madman, shouting at and interrupting reporters. Eventually he pulled a fire extinguisher off the wall and threatened to fire it off at his gaffer. The Chelsea communications director yelled his name to distract him and David Luiz nicked the extinguisher from him. Conte then took a few more queries from the press while Costa started doing pull-ups in the distance. There was plenty more than that as well, from simulated sex acts of team staff to squirting Lucozade in his own eyes to get rid of the sting of champagne from his own eyes… yeah. Here’s the proof:
God, imagine having him and John Terry in the same dressing room.
But the most pertinent story about that dude is that he’s probably gonna sign in China and we’re all gonna miss his acts of unhinged crazy. He’s one of those characters that are great to have around, stirring up controversy, but they never seem to last that long before getting fed up and leaving. His choice, can’t hate him for it. Replacing him (assuming he leaves) will be priority number one in the summer – yet the fact that Antonio Conte was able to keep him happy and productive this season suggests he knows a thing or two about making things work. On the basis of the last ten months you’d have to guess Signor Conte will figure this one out too.
The Wildcard’s Premier League Predictions – Week 38
Leicester vs Tottenham – Erm, depends who really goes for it. No teams have anything left to play for now so every pick could turn sour with a weakened team list… give this one to Spurs for respect’s sake. 2-1 Totts.
Liverpool vs Middlesbrough – Ah yes, a game that matters. And Liverpool will probably smash them. 3-0 to the Reds, laters bo to Boro.
Watford vs Man City – Easy win to the Citizens, farewell to Pablo Zabaleta. The scenes after his last home game – hell, the whole game once he was subbed on – were magnificent. 2-0 MCI.
Chelsea vs Sunderland – Moyes’ Boys deserve nothing. 1-0 to a severely hungover Chelsea.
Southampton vs Stoke – One last chance for each manager to prove they deserve their jobs, Puel is in more trouble. So I think he wins and books that eighth spot. 1-0 to Saints.
Arsenal vs Everton – It won’t matter if Liverpool win so let’s assume the Gunners do it easy. Everton have been weirdly average lately too. 3-1 to the Gunners.
Hull vs Tottenham – Like Hull are gonna have the time for this after already getting relegated. 3-0 Spurs.
Leicester vs Bournemouth – This one’s for tenth place and it could go any of three ways but the Foxes get the pre-match nod because, you know, they’re better. 2-1 to Leicester.
Burnley vs West Ham – This wreaks of a boring draw. Neither side will complain. Rip the band-aid off. 0-0.
Man United vs Crystal Palace – Between being at Old Trafford and Mourinho promising to finally pick some academy players in a team, it can only be a draw, right? 1-1.
Swansea vs West Brom – One last victory lap for the Swans, shout outs on another year of Premier League footy. 2-1 Swansea.
Good on ya for having a read of these things, if you wanna help the team out then all you gotta do is hit an ad and we can break out the champers like Diego.